Category: iPod

Apple Engaged In Viral Obsolescence Scheme.

The Apple community was outraged to learn today that Apple has been caught in what government regulators are calling a viral obsolescence scheme.

According to sources within the Justice Department, Apple executives conspired with trend setters, posers and members of the media and the online community to create a sense of urgency around upgrading their iPods or risk being uncool.

As the iPod market has become saturated, Apple used the only means available to it to generate new sales to those who already owned one: peer pressure.

In one Justice Department document forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Apple executives are accused of paying college students to roll their eyes and scoff whenever one of their peers was seen using an iPod that was more than one generation behind the current release.

Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller vehemently denied the charge.

“That is categorically false,” a visibly angry Schiller said. “We never paid anyone to do that.

“We were going to, but then we realized we didn’t have to. They were already doing it for free.”

Despite the seriousness of the charges, the Justice Department is declining to take any action against Apple.

“It’s actually not illegal,” Special Prosecutor David Rivera said.

“I mean, it kind of pisses me off because… well… that iPod mini I had was just fine. Just because [Attorney General] Alberto Gonzales said hot pink was a sissy color is no reason for me to have gone out and bought a 60 GB video iPod. Particularly when my whole music collection is only 10 GB.”

Sighing heavily, Rivera speculated “I dunno. Maybe I’ll get into ‘Scrubs’.”

Editorial: France Full Of Stupid Stupidheads Who Are Stupid.

According to Wikipedia, France is “a country whose metropolitan territory is located in Western Europe, and that is further made up of a collection of overseas islands and territories located in other continents.”

But, alas, that is but half the story.

For France is also full of stupid stupidheads who are stupid.

There is little substance to the French government’s argument that Apple’s iTunes Music Store represents a monopoly threat.

Despite the many, many blog posts, forum comments and drunken barroom rants crowing “Apple’s got the monopoly now, baybee!” and “How’s it feel now that the foot’s on the other shoe [sic], Windoze loozahs?!” and “Hey, while you were in the bathroom, I dunked my testicles in that beer you just drank out of, Robert Scoble!” there is no real evidence that Apple has a monopoly on digital music players or online music sales.

[Editor: Seriously, stop that, you guys. None of the other people in the bar want to see your testicles – let alone see you dunk them in anything – even if it is Scoble’s beer. Which is hilarious by the way. But still… cut it out.]

Anyone who has followed the technology industry knows that Microsoft is the monopolistic tyrant and Apple is the embattled underdog. It’s established technology industry canon. Perhaps the French government – drunk on fine wines and gorged on tasty pastries – fell asleep during the last twenty minutes of Pirates of Silicon Valley, but the rest of us didn’t.

I, for example, never saw it at all.

Anthony Michael Hall gives me hives.

But in summary, the French government would do well to consider what happened to Marie Antoinette when she famously said of the French people “Let them use Rios”, or the 18th century equivalent thereof.

I don’t know the whole story but I believe she was fined quite substantially.

Upcoming Video iPod Not The Video iPod.

Extremely disappointing news has reached the Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters today as sources indicated that the upcoming iPod announcement will not be that of the true video iPod as expected, but another pretend video iPod.

As educated Apple followers will know, the “video” iPod that was released in October was not the true video iPod. October’s faux “video” iPod is really nothing more than a resized photo iPod with a larger hard drive and certain added capabilities.

Such as the ability to play video.

The true video iPod – predicted by rumor sites since the Clinton administration – will be a video powerhouse of untold video power featuring a video screen of gigantic iPod porportions with enhanced video graphics and, most importantly, the ability to play video.

Totally different iPod.

Quite possibly it will also feature free high-speed wireless downloading of movies currently in the theater, force feedback for the Brickles game, free pie and an optional laser cannon for you to use to smite your enemies. These remain unconfirmed, however.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is advising readers to not be fooled by whatever pretender to the throne of the one true video iPod Apple trots out later this week. Wait for the real thing which Apple will almost certainly announce next month or the month after or sometime during the Time of the Lawgiver when apes rule the Earth.

That’s supposed to be around 2050.

The one, true video iPod’s appearance will be notable for causing Apple fans to experience:

  • Weakness in the knees
  • Visions of a chorus of angels sounding upon high
  • A damp, squishy feeling in the loins
  • Stigmata

Rest assured that rumor sites will let you know when the one true video iPod has arrived.

Gates Details Plan For "iPod Killers."

In a question and answer with students, Bill Gates revealed his master plan to create a line of “iPod killers”.

According to the Microsoft founder, the company will focus on developing synergistic relationships with its many hardware partners that leverage value and increase “buy-in”.

Which, he claims, will somehow result in “hot products.”

Unfortunately for Gates, however, the students were unable to hear his comments as they were already listening to their iPods.

“WHAT?” yelled iPod shuffle owner Rick Levitas.  “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“SORRY, DUDE,” said iPod nano owner Darren Nantz.  “I CAN’T HEAR HIM.  MY IPOD IS ON TOO LOUD.”

Pointing to his iPod for emphasis, Nantz repeated two inches from Levitas’ face “TOO LOUD!”

He then held up his hands and shrugged as if to indicate there was nothing he could do about it.

Levitas stared at him briefly before yelling “WHAT?”

Gates quickly moved on to a question about what his favorite color is.