Category: Miscellaneous

In a bizarre ending to the Apple/SecureWorks controversy (also known as Security Bitch Watch), technology industry sources indicate that the two companies – previously at bitter odds over the security of Apple’s Airport hardware and drivers – were seen making out together in the parking lot behind the dumpster.

More than just being extremely, disturbingly icky, this is particularly surprising as Apple announced it was releasing a wireless security patch late today and took the opportunity to take a jab at SecureWorks, giving them no credit for discovering any vulnerability.

News of their subsequent makeout session was, therefore, a shock to many.

“Wha-?” said ZDNet’s George Ou upon hearing the news. “But… but… after all I did for SecureWorks I thought…

“I thought SecureWorks and I… were…”

Ou burst into tears and ran into the girls bathroom.

According to those in the know, the entire controversy had built to this moment.

“You know how it is,” said Apple’s friend Gary shrugging. “You argue with someone and the tension builds between the two of you. It builds and builds and then finally the only thing that will release all that tension is… you know… makin’ out.

“Oh, don’t judge them,” Gary scolded. “Like you’ve never done it.”

Apple might have commented for this story if it wasn’t mashing face with SecureWorks.

Surprising news came from a surprising source today as Disney CEO Bob Iger revealed that Apple’s upcoming iTV device will have a hard drive.

Iger did not reveal whether the hard drive was just for caching streamed content or could be used for storage and retrieval, but he went on to detail several other features iTV will have.

“Steve didn’t go into many details,” Iger noted, “and I hope he doesn’t mind me telling you all this! Ha-ha! I’m kind of new at this! But it’s just that we’re very excited about iTV here at Disney.”

Iger said that the iTV will allow a user to receive wireless streams of alien broadcasts from the Gamma Quadrant featuring fearsome fights between different alien races which are wagered upon by disembodied brains soaking in some kind of brain fluid.

“We have an exclusive deal with the brains,” Iger said proudly.

According to the Disney CEO, the iTV will also allow users to watch movies in the bathroom, should they have a TV already in their bathroom.

“I guess that’s kind of obvious,” Iger admitted. “But I think it’s cool. I’m really looking forward to that.

“Not that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Now. I think I’ll probably spend more in there when I get my iTV. I just… think it’d be cool to watch a couple of scenes from, oh, Bubble Boy while you’re waiting…

“Well… never mind.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to remind Apple followers that getting their rumors from a guy who hangs out with Goofy is if not a step down from getting them from Ryan Meader at least a lateral.

MacNN and other sites report today that Apple has filed a patent for “a device with multiple touch sensing devices”.

While some hold that this is proof positive that Apple will finally deliver a touch-screen tablet device that does half of what the Newton did, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources believe it is a foray beyond the realm of the computer world.

According to those in the know, Apple is set to take its customers to a whole new level of touch sensory experience and deliver a breakthough in viscoelastic liquids not seen since the 1940s.

“Play-Doh, Silly Putty, they’ve both gotten soft,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “That market’s ripe for someone to come in and sex it up. Kids have been pressing Silly Putty against comic strips for over fifty years. That’s boring.”

Pogue said that Apple’s superior design capabilities make the company uniquely qualified to deliver a souped-up version of the venerable wads of squishable material for play.

“I’m thinking maybe chrome and aluminum squeezable dough that records a movie when you press it against a computer or TV screen.”

Asked how that could possibly work, Pogue shrugged off the question.

“Is that my problem? That’s not my problem. That’s Apple’s problem. Why are you asking me? You should be asking them. They’re the ones with the problem.”

Sources at Apple declined to comment, but did note that Pogue recently went off his meds.

Blockbuster news that is sure to rock the Macintosh community has been forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site today.

According to sources, Apple will merge with Google as has recently been speculated after the addition of Google’s CEO to Apple’s board.

Further, the resulting hardware and software powerhouse will then merge with Sun, as has recently been speculated.

Then, the company will crush Linux, as has also recently been speculated, by implementing a 3-step plan:

1. Seize control of SourceForge and other online repositories of open source code.
2. Linus Torvalds wakes up with a penguin head in his bed.
3. Bribe existing Linux users to convert to OS X with the promise of getting them dates with actual girls.

Once Linux is destroyed, the company will then expand again by merging with Oracle, as has been speculated will happen since Nostradamus first predicted it in 1557.

But Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle will not stop there.

The company will then merge with the Science Patrol – the organization featuring Ultraman – and International Rescue of Thunderbirds fame.

Now a force beyond all ken, of a magnitude that even the gods themselves – let alone Microsoft – would shake to hear its name, Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle/Science Patrol/International Rescue will, strangely, divest itself of all its primary assets. It will then operate as a holding company that purchases real estate properties on spec in hot markets and sells them at inflated prices before quickly moving on to another town.

Kind of a letdown, isn’t it?

Shocking news has been slowly leaking out of Apple over the last few weeks that several youngsters attending Apple Camp resorted to cannibalism after being locked into the Manhattan Village, Calif., store accidentally.

Staff members were uncertain how it happened and why the children might have resorted to cannibalism so quickly.

Responding to a mall fire drill, Apple employees fled the store and locked the glass doors behind them, unaware the children had been left behind.

“They were only in there for fifteen minutes!” said a distraught store manager Lilly Holden. “I just don’t know how you can consume a 75-pound 9-year-old in that amount of time.”

According to Holden, the 12 children had been playing at the iMacs in the back of the store the last she had seen them.

“They were working on their own GarageBand songs,” she said. “I guess I should have suspected something was already going wrong before the fire alarm when it started to sound like the Carmina Burana back there.”

Behavioral psychologist Robert Reedman said that the line between human and animal is thin and that isolation from society – no matter how brief – can often tear down the facade of civilization.

“Personally,” Reedman said, “I can’t ride up one floor in an elevator without having to ‘mark my territory’, if you know what I mean.

Adjusting his pants, Reedman added, “But that’s just the way I roll.”

CEO Steve Jobs placed a personal call to the parents of the consumed child expressing his condolences and offering them a free iPod nano.