Category: Miscellaneous

Stunning news today as a report by MarketWatch reveals that Apple’s viability hinges entirely on “a long-term bearish technical pattern.” Rumor sites were struggling to defend their relevance as the reporters of upcoming Apple products – things that people might actually wish to exchange currency for in future Apple fiscal cycles – as that information is clearly useless.

According to MarketWatch, what’s important when considering investing in Apple is not the particulars of the company – its management, its expectations for upcoming quarters, even its P/E ratio – it’s what the current groupthink is.

The bear counterattack totally engulfed the bulls’ attack; hence the name “bearish engulfing.” This is a sign that bears were able to withstand the best that bulls had to offer and came back even stronger.

Asked to interpret, the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg was at a loss.

“I don’t know what this means, really,” Mossberg admitted. “I think there are these guys who think they’re bears and these other guys who think they’re bulls and, apparently, there are more bear guys than bull guys. Or something. And somehow because of that you shouldn’t buy Apple.”

Other analysts confirmed that, while it’s not currently recommended to buy Apple stock – nor have they ever admitted that it is – it’s not really Apple’s fault.

“Apple’s not a bad company,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “It’s just mathematically challenged. I mean, look at the mathematical technicals.”

According to MarketWatch,

Mathematical technicals, which are derived via calculation of data over a specified time period, help investors gauge the momentum of a stock’s move by measuring its current performance to that of its recent past.

Niles fell silent, however, when asked to explain how “mathematical technicals” were any different than attempting to pick tomorrow’s Lotto numbers based on the numbers that have appeared over the past few days.

“It just is, OK?”

With the advent of Burst.com’s lawsuit against Apple, demographers now say that nearly every person in the world is in one way or another a litigant against Apple.

Dr. Neil Sawin of the University of Washington said “So many people are now direct litigants against Apple, but many more are involved in class action suits or are shareholders or employees of companies suing Apple for trademark or copyright violations.”

Sawin’s team of researchers has found one individual out of the world’s 6.5 billion people who is not in any way part of a lawsuit against Apple.

“He holds no patents, owns no Apple products and has not entered into a previous binding contract with Apple related to the use of copyrighted logos of trade names,” Sawin said.

Nuagobe Machungo, an 11-year-old goat herder from Mozamibique, was surprised to hear of his unique status.

Speaking through a translator, Machungo, clearly surprised at his sudden notoriety, said “I am but a simple goat herder. I do not mean anyone any harm.

“I sleep in the hills with my flock,” he added, pointing to the hills as if for emphasis.

Disturbingly for Apple, however, Machungo indicated that he was thinking of selling one of his goats to buy an iPod shuffle so he could listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers during the long periods of time he is roaming the hills with the herd, looking for grazing pastures.

“I like the song ‘Californication’,” Machungo said, smiling broadly. “Although I do not understand what it means.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but sources inside the company indicate that CEO Steve Jobs is considering giving Machungo a complimentary iPod shuffle in order to stay on his good side.

In what lawyers for plaintiffs are saying was a blatant act of intimidation, Judge Edward Mann – the adjudicator of the Apple Corps vs. Apple Computer case – found the cap of his prized iPod shuffle in his bed.

Mann, who had already admitted to being an iPod user, was quite shaken by the incident.

“It was terrifying,” Mann said hugging his torso, still wrapped in a terrycloth bathrobe.

“In all my years on the bench, I’ve never felt so violated. So vulnerable. It’s a 1 GB model and I really love it. It’s quite precious to me, so this is particularly painful.

“Of course, it just snaps right back on…” Mann admitted, pantomiming the motion of snapping a shuffle cap on. “Just… click… and it’s back on. And I suppose it’s possible it just popped off as I was listening to it in bed…

“But still…”

Lawyers for plaintiff Apple Corps quickly filed a motion against Apple asking that the company be held in contempt of court.

“This blatant act of intimidation won’t stand,” said Geoffrey Vos, counsel for Apple Corps. “Apple Computer’s threats of violence against Judge Mann must be dealt with in the strictest manner possible.”

Reached for comment at his dentist’s office, Apple CEO Steve Jobs, his cheeks stuffed with cotton balls, said “Judge Mann has a nice house. Nice family. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.

“I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be careless… with the exception of the first 25 years. I would suggest that Judge Mann do the same.”

Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Shocking news hit the Newton-using community today as Apple quietly announced that the Newton 2100 and the eMate 300 were officially declared “obsolete.” A declaration of obsolete means that Apple has discontinued hardware service with no exceptions and service providers cannot order parts.

Reaction from all 15 Newton users was swift and angry.

“Who’s obsolete, Steve Jobs, you bitch?” asked a visibly agitated Grant Hutchinson. “Your momma, that’s who. It’s… it’s your momma who’s… um… obsolete.

“I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make any sense. This is just really upsetting.”

More disturbing than those who – like Hutchinson – expressed anger, were those continuing to live in denial.

“Steve said he was going to replace the Newton,” said Adam Tow, sitting in a corner hugging his knees and rocking back and forth while tapping at his Newton 2100 compulsively. “Steve wouldn’t lie to us. He wouldn’t lie to us! Why would he lie to us? He has no reason to lie to us!”

A review of online materials indicates that Jobs has lied to Apple customers no fewer than 3,453 times.

“A Newton replacement is coming!” Tow shouted. “It’s coming! Just wait! You’ll see!”

Apple declined to comment for this story other than to say that Tow is wrong and a Newton replacement is not coming.

Reports are coming in that a tantalizing new Apple product has been delayed over concerns that it is just too super-duper cool.

Sources indicate that the company is concerned that unless it is able to supply at least one – and perhaps two – units to each and every person on the face of the planet, it will face not only lawsuits, but all-out rioting in the streets.

“It’s rare that working for a technology company makes you afraid for global geo-political stability,” said a source in Apple hardware engineering who declined to be identified, “but we really need to ramp up production on this one before release.

“There are about 6.5 billion people in the world right now. And, frankly, we’re a little concerned we’re not going to be able to find capacity. Or components.

“Or cardboard for the boxes they’re gonna come in.”

The source did emphasize that the device was totally cool and mentioned that he has recently taken to sleeping on the floor of his cube just to be near it.

Information on the new device is extremely sketchy at this point, but Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that it will be the size of a PSP with the power of a cluster of 150 Power Mac G5s and will allow for input via keyboard, pen, voice or modulated brain waves from adhesive sensors placed on the user’s scalp.

It’s also possible it’ll be nothing like that at all, but be super-freaky wicked in some other way.

But one thing is for certain – it will be shiny and come in an understated cardboard box with a tasteful picture of the product on it.

And, despite its utter coolness, people are certain to complain it’s too expensive no matter how much it costs.

Shortly before they shell out whatever it will cost to buy one.

Or two.

Apple declined to comment for this story officially, but shifted uncomfortably in its seat.