Category: Miscellaneous

Apple and quantum theorists everywhere are eagerly awaiting the next lawsuit against the company as the number is quickly approaching infinity and no one is exactly sure what will happen.

“This is very exciting, said Dr. Javier Castonguay of the University of California. “The rate of increase in lawsuits against Apple is exponential and soon there will be an infinite number of them.”

When that happens, according to Castonguay and several other leading quantum theorists, the company will either be forced to declare bankruptcy times infinity, or the portion of the space/time continuum that the lawsuits occupy will fold back on itself and all of the lawsuits will cease to exist.

Despite the even odds, Apple was upbeat about its chances.

“Apple has a strong commitment to the sciences and we’re excited to play a part in the history of quantum theory,” said CEO Steve Jobs.

“And.. well… 50-50? I’ll take those odds.

“We got a lotta lawsuits.”

One of the most interesting corollaries to Apple’s condition is that as the number of lawsuits against the company approaches infinity, General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s stress level is generating fantastic amounts of energy.

“Nancy really has some guys from the International Atomic Energy Agency interested in her!” laughed Jobs. “Ha-ha! Because… eventually… you know… KA-BOOM!!!”

Indeed, several research institutes have contacted Apple about attempting to harness Heinen to power the eastern seaboard.

“Yeah, we’ve been trying to get her to take some vacation…” Jobs admitted.

Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.

An Indian news service reported today that Apple, following the lead of hundreds of other American companies, is opening a massive technical support center in India.

Almost immediately, a whine of epic proportions went up from the Macintosh community, largely consisting of concerns that Indians:

• Possibly because they had to live under the rule of the British Empire for almost 200 years, still speak English with a “reel funnay accent.”
• Despite being college educated and hard working, the fact that they were born into a society with a lower cost and standard of living somehow means they’re stupid or incompetent.

One legitimate concern was that forcing someone named Harischandra to answer the phone “Hello, my name is Harry. How may I help you?” may be considered an international human rights violation.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has instituted the following measures to ensure that the help desk service delivered by its Indian call center is on par with or exceeding the company’s existing reputation for quality:

• The hit movie Monsoon Wedding will be a free iTunes download to help acclimate Apple customers to the Indian accent.
• All support question will be answered in the form of a light-hearted Bollywood musical number, featuring hundreds of dancers, a full orchestra with a zither and a bansuri, and a lot of head movement and coy blinking and smiling meant to convey such topics as “Please reboot in single-user mode.”
• The company will only be hiring hot, buxom Indian women such as are depicted in any illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.
• Every 100th help desk caller is allowed to skip the Hindu cycles of death and rebirth and go straight to enlightenment.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but sources say that CEO Steve Jobs has taken up Bikram yoga in the last month.

Earth-shattering news tonight as Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed rumors that Apple is in talks to acquire Disney.

CARS has learned that on Monday Apple will announce an eight-way deal to acquire Disney, one that will also send slugger Juan Gonzalez to the New York Mets and require the U.S. to cede Orange County, Calif. to Finland.

According to sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs and actor William Shatner, Apple will trade Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller to Lenovo for cash considerations.

The cash – which will not be inconsiderable for an executive of Schiller’s stature – will then be used to help fund a purchase of Disney and, for some reason, a six pack of Old Milwaukee. The SEC – because of rules instituted after the release of The Terminator in 1984 – will mandate that Disney sell off all the animatronic characters in its theme parks to prevent Apple from using them to create a breed of super-powerful, killer robots.

The animatronic characters will be sold to the Seattle Mariners where they will be guaranteed to be ineffective. The Mariners will send Ichiro to the Indians who will send Gonzalez to the Mets. The Mets will then trade Victor Diaz and two minor leaguers to the Angels. California will send Orange County to Finland and Finland will go out to lunch with some friends and then go see Finnish crooner Ville Valo.

Sources were unable to say for sure what Apple would then do with Disney, but there was some thought about making little games for the kiddies.

Reports today indicate that Apple is set to announce some “fun new products” next week. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed these reports and, further, learned what these products will be.

In an interview on the Apple campus today, Apple head of hardware engineering Peter Mehring was remarkably forthcoming.

Displaying a table full of new products, Mehring walked through each, explaining it at detail.

He may have been drinking.

“This one’s a paddle with a rubber string with a ball on the end!” he said, visibly excited. “I, personally, cannot get enough of this thing! Ha-ha!”

Mehring picked up the paddle game and attempted to demonstrate but was unable to make contact.

“Dammit.

“Here, let me try again.

“Dammit!”

Putting the paddle back down, Mehring said “Well, you get the idea. Loads of fun. People are really going to like that one.”

Moving on, Mehring described a paper-based system where users enter types of words – nouns, verbs, etc. – at random into stories often with hilarious results and something remarkably similar to Lawn Darts.

Asked if Apple – already the target of numerous class action lawsuits – was concerned about the potential for litigation, Mehring insisted that these products were “fun” and that anyone not having “fun” with them would be voiding their warranty.

Continue reading Apple Discontinues Sales To Stupid People.