In a disappointing announcement, Apple admitted today that some dude in Nigeria has your most recent .Mac sync.

“We’re not sure how it happened,” said an embarrassed senior vice president of software development Bertrand Serlet. “But everyone’s .Mac syncs have been going to this dude in Nigeria.

“For, uh, like five years. Whew! Boy, is there egg on our faces!”

Serlet indicated that he wasn’t sure why anyone hadn’t noticed until now.

“There are only about 14 people actually using .Mac syncing, so that might be part of it. Also, Mac users don’t really have any sensitive information. It’s all phone numbers, recipes, comic book collections and kitty pictures.

“Really. They’re the lamest bunch of losers I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to sell crap to.”

While this raises serious issues for OS X security, testing indicates that this announcement does not impact Leopard’s Back to My Mac feature, which allows a user to connect to a Mac remotely using a .Mac connection.

“Yeah,” said Macworld’s Chris Breen, “Our testing shows that Back to My Mac is not affected.

“‘Cause ‘Back to My Mac’ doesn’t work. Seriously. I’ve been trying for days and I can’t get the damn thing to work at all. So, no problemo there.”

Further, sources in Nigeria say the dude, Ajani, is totally cool and would never use your .Mac sync for nefarious purposes anyway so…

Apple’s release notes, oft criticized for their scarcity of information, are about to get even more cryptic.

When Apple delivers the iPhone 1.1.2 update tomorrow, sources say, the company will have the release notes performed by mimes, the first in its new strategy for the medium.

“Many developers do not realize this,” said Apple’s senior vice president of software engineering Bertrand Serlet, “But we consider our release notes to be performance art.

“We tried a minimalist style – giving out as little information about a particular update – and it apparently wasn’t popular so we’re taking it in a different direction. Now our users can have a greater appreciation for the pathos, humor and joie de vivre of the iPhone 1.1.2 update than can be expressed through the mere written word.”

Some, however, expressed concern over the move.

“Apple should really be careful here,” said TidBITS‘ Adam Engst. “Because some people really hate mimes. Like all people. It’s one of the few things that brings people of all kinds together. Except the French, of course.”

Indeed, according to the Anti-Defamation League, the number of hate crimes against mimes was greater in 2006 than those against any other group, with the exception of gay black Jewish lawyers.

It’s still unknown exactly how mimes will be able to convey complex ideas such as “There is a known issue with garbage-collected applications using Core Image to process frames from Core Video”. But Serlet insisted that Apple followers will be swept away by the emotional power of a mime performing release notes such as “Xcode now passes the path to the SDK in use to Rez using the -isysroot flag”.

Apple customers are asked to tip the mimes whatever spare change they have and to refrain from kicking them, no matter how great the temptation.

Amazing news rocked the Apple world today as a furtive comment at a dinner party has confirmed that Apple is working on a tablet device.

In the world of Apple rumors, it doesn’t get any more rock-solid than a furtive comment at a dinner party.

As exciting as this news is, it also has implications for the rumor business. Many Apple observers have long considered the tablet device to be the Holy Grail of Apple rumors.

“We may be looking at the end of the Apple rumor business,” said AppleInsider’s Ryan Katz. “I mean, after this, I got nothing. What else is there? We did the Intel switch. We did the phone. What’s left?”

Other than the sexbot beat (double entendres are fun!) which currently is only being worked by reporters at Crazy Apple Rumors Site, sources indicate that the rest of the rumor sites are just working on the tablet, the 10.5.1 update and what Greg Joswiak had for lunch.

“It was a soup of some kind,” said ThinkSecret’s Nick dePlume. “Could have been chili. We’ll have an exclusive on today’s lunch sometime later in the week.”

“This lunch beat is a daily grind,” dePlume complained.

The rumors sites will be holding a general symposium next week to discuss other crap we can make up that Apple might possibly maybe release some day, some time in the future.

In a surprise announcement on today’s quarterly call with analysts, Apple said that it was adding a new product line that would revolutionize yet another industry: slave trading.

“When we were looking into this, we were surprised at how inefficient slave trading is today,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “Scarce supply, erratic prices often driven by the proximity of law enforcement or the balance of one’s cocaine bill with the buyer. The Apple White Slave takes the guesswork out of finding quality slave labor.”

Jobs said that Apple’s White Slaves – all of which are adults between the ages of 18 and 30 – would all be offered at one flat price of $10,000.

This prompted some analysts to deride the lack of choice.

“This is just another example of how it’s always Apple’s way or the highway,” said Rob Enderle of the Rob and Mary Show. “Let’s say you’re looking to acquire several 9-year-olds. Well, Apple’s not interested in your business.

“This is why they’re going to go out of business any day now. I mean, have you heard they’re into slave trading?! And no 9-year olds! What is up with that?!”

Jobs did point out, however, that despite the name, the Apple White Slave is an equal opportunity forced labor solution.

“White is not in reference to the slave’s race,” Jobs noted. “It’s in reference to a wonderful program, just like (Product)Red program that’s currently available in our iPod lineup. See, it’s not the Apple White Slave, it’s the Apple White Slave. See the difference? And for every Apple White Slave you buy, a portion of your purchase goes to Project White.

“Which, ironically, helps fight the white slave trade. But you know…”

Jobs did say, though, that the Apple White Slave is not for sexual purposes – as the term “white slave” is usually used – and that violation of this term of the license agreement could result in “bricking” of the Apple White Slave.

Although he did not explain how exactly that would happen.

It’s thought that this particular stipulation was added to protect future sales of the Apple Sexbot.

The Apple White Slave will go on sale immediately and be offered exclusively through Apple retail stores on a large wooden block to be added in the back.

After yet another Greenpeace report complaining about Apple’s environmental record, sources indicate that the company is now just screwing with the international non-profit agency.

As Greenpeace chastised Apple for using toxic chemicals in the iPhone, there were indications that that wasn’t all they might find in its products.

“Yeah, I think we stuck a baby seal in the Mac Pro,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “And there may be some rhino in the iMac. Just a little. Near the USB ports.”

Despite being a vegetarian, Jobs seemed exceedingly gleeful at having further antagonized an organization that has been a thorn in his side. Jobs’ glee was shared by other Apple executives.

“Whatever you do, don’t look in the iPod classic!” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Ha-ha! Whew! ‘Cause… ha-ha! Yeow.

“It’s um, panda. Eeyup. Turns out panda is a really good conductor. Who knew? Also looks pretty. Not like marine turtle, though. That is… mmmmmwah!”

Shaking his head, Schiller said ruefully “Wish we could get some more marine turtle. Damn.”

Apple products also reportedly include mountain gorilla, whale, dolphin and African elephant.

Other than all the executives, Apple declined to comment for this story, other than to say for the record that it was just screwing around and there really weren’t any animal parts in its products.

Other than iLife. Which has spotted owl.