Category: Miscellaneous

NUMBER 27…

…DAN MOREN.

Rob Enderle has unleashed the latest drippings from his brain pan today, taking Apple to task for releasing an iMac update not worthy of its abilities and Mac blogs for their treatment of the “Sticker Guy” controversy.

Unwittingly, however, Enderle tipped his hand in linking to Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s coverage of “Sticker Guy”.

As a highly respected source on all things Apple – as evidenced by his constant use as a quote machine by lazy journalists – CARS staff expected that Enderle’s writing must be widely read. However, a review of our referrer logs shows a grand total of eleven (11) click-throughs (actual true fact). Given the fact that at least five (5) of those click-throughs were conducted by CARS staff members and friends, this leads to the startling conclusion that Enderle’s writing just doesn’t generate any traffic unless he nonsensically bashes Apple.

According to sources, however, this fits a consistent pattern throughout Enderle’s life.

“Rob’s constantly been seeking attention,” said a long-time friend who asked only to be referred to as “Ricky”.

“It’s a desperate cry for help.”

According to Ricky, Enderle was the middle child of 16 (Ricky was unclear how one is exactly the middle of an even number), born to poor, itinerant Baptist sharecropper Mormon Jewish lesbians in southern Nebraska during the Great Depression.

“Middle children are constantly trying to stand out,” Ricky said. “Rob did so by making things up. First it was imaginary friends, then it was magical fairy ponies that visited in the night and pooped under his bed.

“But everyone knew who was really pooping under his bed.”

According to Ricky, it was Rob’s older brother, Hubert, who was quite the practical joker and well-liked by everyone, unlike Rob.

Ricky went on to ask that Mac users not under any circumstances click through any links to Enderle’s writing or interviews.

“Don’t encourage him,” Ricky pleaded. “He’s a sick, sick man.

“Very sick. Really, really, really sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.”

Ricky then shook his head sadly at how sick Rob Enderle is.

In a press release issued today, Griffin Technology announced the imPress, the first stylus specifically designed for the Apple iPhone.

The announcement was significant enough to draw praise from Chet Pipkin, president and CEO of Belkin, a Griffin competitor.

“Because Multitouch requires the contact of a human finger, we thought it couldn’t be done,” said Pipkin. “But they pulled it off. My hat is off to them.”

Despite earning the admiration of its competitors, the Griffin press release about the imPress contains some disturbing details.

As Apple has indicated, the human finger is the only thing that can reliably drive the iPhone’s Multitiouch interface. For this reason, the imPress consists of a real human fingertip at the end of a sturdy black pen made of advanced composite materials.

Derek Stembridge, vice president of Griffin marketing, confirmed that the imPress used actual human digits.

“Please, just don’t ask me where we got them,” Stembridge said.

“Really. You don’t want to know. I mean, I don’t even want to know. But no matter how badly I scratch my scalp, I just… I can’t seem to get that memory out of my head! Ha-ha!”

Stembridge then began scratching at his head, which was already covered in thick scabs.

“I’ll get it out eventually!” he cackled.

Sources in the retail channel claim the fingers came from Mexican day laborers. But one source who has worked closely with Griffin in the past but declined to be identified told reporters that the fingertips came from young, aspiring country/western performers who were lured into Griffin’s Nashville showroom.

OK, it was Shawn King.

In a surprise announcement today, Apple said that it is working to bring its signature ease of use and design aesthetic to a whole new line of consumer products using its MagSafe technology.

CEO Steve Jobs said today that, pending FDA approval, the company will begin shipping MagSafe condoms in time for the holiday prophylactic-buying season.

“Prophylactics are too difficult to use,” Jobs said. “First, they’re hard to open. And when you’re about to get physical with some lovely lady, you don’t want to have to spend all that time rolling one on.

“We call it the Apple Skin, because it feels like skin. And I’d love to show it to you now.”

Jobs then reached toward the waistband of his pants causing a collective gasp from the gathered members of the press. Their gasps turned to sighs of relief, however when Jobs merely pulled an ordinary banana from one pocket and a sheer, silvery black condom from the other.

“Because of the Apple Skin’s anti-bacterial, anti-static surface, it will never pick up germs or dirt, so it doesn’t need to be wrapped,” Jobs said.

Jobs then demonstrated how the Apple Skin is applied. Holding the banana in an erect fashion close to the Apple Skin, the condom literally jumped the distance and slid effortlessly onto the phallic fruit.

“And because it’s MagSafe,” Jobs said, “you’re safe. You’re ensured a snug, comfortable fit no matter how clumsy a lover you are.”

For reasons unknown, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell suddenly burst into applause before trailing off uncomfortably when no one joined in.

Several Apple sites are organizing a letter writing campaign to encourage the FDA to approve the Apple Skin as soon as possible. Lines have already begun to form outside Apple Stores across the country.

After weeks of outcry from customers and the press about the company’s apparent lack of action concerning a growing Internet phenomenon, Apple has finally announced its strategy for lolcats.

At a press event on the Cupertino campus, CEO Steve Jobs said that an upcoming revision to .Mac would enable users to automatically add lolcats text to any of their iPhoto images.

“I think this is going to be a really exciting feature for our customers,” Jobs said. “And I’d love to show it to you now.”

Taking a sip from a bottled water, Jobs sat down at a keyboard and monitor and brought up .Mac.

“We’ve got some standard, pre-built lolcats text you can see here in this pull-down menu. Let’s say I want to add ‘I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?’ to this picture. First, I select the picture… then I select ‘I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?’ from the list of pre-defined lolcats texts… and then it’s just one click.

Clicking a button, Jobs created an image of a clearly uncomfortable-looking iPod product marketing manager Stan Ng dressed up in a crude cat suit with “I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?” emblazoned on it in sans serif text.

“Boom. It’s that easy.”

Jobs also said that Apple’s lolcats technology would be added to the iPhone so users can add humorously truncated text to the pictures they take with the unit’s built-in 2 megapixel camera.

“And the great thing about that,” Jobs noted, “is that the iPhone’s on-screen keyboard is already so difficult to use that it’s highly likely to interpret your keystrokes in a hilariously misspelled fashion. So it makes rolling your own lolcats almost automatic.”

The iPhone implementation also includes a feature where users can, Madlibs-like, supply their own words to complete the commonly-used lolcats syntax “I’M IN UR [blank], [blanking] UR [blank].”

“This is light years ahead of what anyone else is doing with lolcats. And it’s only available on .Mac and the iPhone.”

Microsoft was expected to respond shortly by announcing its own strategy which will consist of a crayon that users can use to write lolcats text on the images that appear on their screens.