Category: Miscellaneous

Sources close to Apple revealed today that the Daylight Savings Time Update package for Tiger and Panther contain a special enhancement required for use of the upcoming Apple TV media adapter: February 2007, will have 63 days in it.

Due to Apple’s promise to deliver the Apple TV “in February, and their failure to have product ready by the traditional end of the month, which contains 28 days in years other than leap years, CEO Steve Jobs opted to manipulate the calendar for his purposes.

“Technically, by agreeing to our software licensing terms, Mac users also agree to be governed by the Stephorian calendar which, admittedly, is a term I just made up,” said Apple senior vice president for worldwide marketing, Phil Schiller, who asked to not be identified in association with this article.

“Under the conditions of that license, Apple can make arbitrary changes to the length of a second or a day, or change the length of months and years,” Schiller said.

“Actually, if you read it closely, we can pretty much do anything we want. I can’t believe you people just click through those things.

“A lot of our customers have been asking us for 30-hour days and 10-day weeks for a while. Yes, we know they were kidding, but it’s too late for jokes now, folks.”

Along with the 63-day February, the year following 2009 will be known as 200X, and Bill Gates’s birth date, along with the birth dates of all his children – but not Melinda, for some reason – will be removed from future Apple calendars.

Because the ubiquitous iPod also uses the same set of calendars, the changes are expected to gain immediate popularity. Linux users will be required to develop their own patches to conform to the Apple calendar. As Apple is unlikely to license the Stephorian calendar for Windows, users of that platform will soon be called “February 63rd Fools” and be forced to move to a small rural community in Indiana.

The Apple TV is schedule to ship by Feb. 63rd, unless further developments make the cancellation of summer necessary.

The release of Apple’s new Airport Extreme Base Station has prompted a plethora of rave reviews.

Strangely, however, all the raves are not for the product itself, but for a review of the product.

Yes, the reviews are in and Glenn Fleishman’s review is as thrilling a review as you’ll read in the set that is reviews of the Aiport Extreme Base Station.

Review reviewers from John Gruber to Mark Frauenfelder have declared Fleishman’s review is better than the product itself.

“This is the review of the Airport Extreme Base Station,” raved Gruber. “Thou shalt take no other reviews before this.

“Check out this bit: ‘Apple just needs to step up to the plate and add gigabit Ethernet to fulfill this speed demon’s full potential.’ Oh, snap! You got served, Apple!”

The pure awesomeness of the review has caused some confusion.

“When I read Fleishman’s awesome review, I thought, wow, this might just be better than sliced bread – better than 10 toasters full of sliced bread,” said Noah Eklestein, an AirPort Extreme Base Station buyer at a suburban Virginia Apple Store.

“But when I got it home and plugged it in, I was really disappointed. Eventually, I realized it was the review I was so excited about. Not the base station.”

The prolific Fleishman was predictably humble about the rave reviews for his review.

“It does seem that many people were interested in my review, for which I am very grateful,” Fleishman said. “It was a little weird when I noticed there were people standing outside of my house with their Airport Extreme Base Stations asking me to sign them. I didn’t make the Airport Extreme Base Station or anything. I just reviewed it. Albeit quite brilliantly.”

Fleishman has also been fielding requests from several Hollywood studios seeking the rights to make the review into a full-length feature movie.

“If such a deal can be constructed so that it’s amenable to both sides, I would be interested, but I will insist that I retain full creative control. I’d hate to see my review turned into some piece of crap buddy film with Owen Wilson and Bernie Mac.

“I’m thinking, oh, I don’t know, maybe Kevin Spacey could play me reviewing the Airport Extreme Base Station. If he’s available. If not, maybe Ed Harris. He’s good. I’d love to see Paul Giamatti play the Airport Extreme Base Station, but I’m somewhat flexible on actors.”

Fleishman said his one non-negotiable point is that it be directed by Christopher Nolan.

“I think only the taut suspense of, say, Memento could do justice to my review of the Airport Extreme Base Station.”

When asked to comment, Apple refused to stay on the subject of the review and kept trying to talk about some product called the Aiport Extreme Base Station.

Apple Inc. and the Beatle’s Apple Corps announced today that they have entered into an agreement to share the “Apple” trademark. This replaces a previous agreement and marks a new – more collaborative – stage in the two companies’ interaction.

While the announcement says that the terms of the settlement are confidential, Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to obtain the following list of items that are included:

• The entire remastered collection of the Beatles music will be available only through iTunes, but Apple must also take all that warbly crap Yoko did, too.
• Apple will create a special-edition Ringo iPod, which – in a secret arrangement worked out between Paul McCartney, Yoko Ono and Steve Jobs – will actually just be a regular iPod with “Ringo” engraved on the back.
• Apple Corps will also drop an unrelated lawsuit against Phil Schiller over the similiarities between “Schillermania” and “Beatlemania”.
• The “sosumi” system sound will be renamed “multi-year non-binding licensing agreement”.
• Jobs gets to smoke the last bit of residue from the bag of hash Lennon was on when he wrote his songs on Magical Mystery Tour.
• Paul McCartney will pen a soulful, heartfelt ballad to the Quartz Composer Engine.
• To seal the deal, Jobs’ daugher Lisa will marry Sean Lennon, the son of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In exchange, Jobs will receive one sturdy ox.

Apple Inc. and Apple Corps declined to comment for this story, but did issue a statement indicating that CFO Peter Oppenheimer “is the walrus. Goo goo g’joob.”

The first follow-up product to the not-yet-shipping iPhone was announced in a surprise special Apple presentation today in Cupertino.

“The iDream will provide 1000 hours of full-motion, 7.1 Dolby surround dreams with the quality you expect from Apple, Pixar, and Disney,” CEO Steve Jobs said.

Furthering their success in making Mac OS X into an embedded operating system that can run a mobile phone, a wireless base station, and a media translation system, iDream ports the OS X into neurochemical structures in the human nervous system that mimic computer processors.

“With iDream, we have fulfilled our vision of bringing the best experience, with 7.1 Dolby surround sound, to the true center of our digital lives: the brain,” said Jobs.

Jobs detailed his long-held belief that the human brain provides a substandard user experience and that Apple was uniquely positioned to take a leadership position in this highly fractured market.

“Each person has his own unique human experience,” Jobs noted. “That’s incredibly inefficient.”

He then closed his eyes for 10 seconds, opened them, and said, “Boom. There. I was just in Maui with Jennifer fricking Connelly. It was awesome. And now everyone can have the same experience.”

The iDream uses the wetware capacity of the brain to store up to 75 petabytes of information using the holographic, standing-wave structure of neuronic activity. Additional storage may be obtained by using the new BUID disk format to repartition a brain to store fewer unnecessary or unwanted memories – like that time you asked Kim Karcher if she wanted to go to the 9th grade dance and she laughed so hard Crystal Pepsi came out her nose – and by using thorough compression.

Jobs mentioned the movie Johnny Mnemonic as an example of this methodology, but no one in the audience would admit to having seen it, although several shuffled uncomfortably in their seats.

Apple expects to deliver iDream as a rapid-fire series of frightening images, static, and JavaScript via any WebKit-based browser and possibly later in the form of a red pill.

Despite Apple’s exceptional first quarter results which the company announced yesterday, its stock was down over five points today as analysts took a skeptical outlook on the second quarter.

While analysts were mostly just dubious that Apple could continue to sell 500 million iPods a quarter, the fact that the company’s second quarter guidance included plans to spend spring break “going wild” in Ft. Lauderdale probably did not help.

“In a twelve week quarter, you can’t afford to lose one whole week getting plastered and having sex with strangers,” said Piper Jaffray’s Gene Munster.

“And it’s not just that week. It’s bound to affect Apple’s performance after that. You don’t wake up with your head on a beer-soaked night stand in a hotel you’re not registered in with your panties around your ankles and then immediately go back to hawking products.

“Well, unless you’re Paris Hilton! Ooh! Boo-yah!”

Apple, however, said that it had worked hard all semester and deserved to “blow off a little steam.”

“It’s not easy selling 900 million iPods,” the company said, “And if I want to reward myself by entering a wet t-shirt contest, making out with other hot chicks on camera and throwing up on in the back of a police van, that’s my decision!”

Several analysts downgraded Apple today from “outperform” to “slut.”