Category: Miscellaneous

You may have seen today that some other sites have posted poor Photoshop mock-ups of a supposed Apple phone. Please be advised that this is not the phone that Apple will announce at Macworld next month.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received actual photos of the forthcoming Apple phone and it looks nothing like that.

While members of the CARS have seen the photos, we are unable to post them because of the grave danger they pose to the Apple community. The reason for this is that the Apple design process and the genius of Jonathan Ive and Steve Jobs have reached such a pinnacle that the Apple phone is so blindingly beautiful that it cannot be viewed directly without driving the viewer insane.

The photos received by CARS were first viewed by Scooter the mail room guy who opened the envelope they came in and has since been in the men’s room clawing the flesh off his face. Fortunately, Scooter suffers from severe acne and his dermatologist said this may actually improve his skin condition.

If he’s not left a drooling psycho case.

We think he’ll get better.

We hope he’ll get better.

It’s not a great way to spend the holidays, though.

The Entity is, of course, immune to the effects of viewing the Apple phone and was even able to construct a pair of protective goggles that we’ve been using to look at the pictures.

At the risk of sounding like that Gizmodo jackass, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s not white and it’s not chrome and it’s not brushed metal…

And yet it’s all of those. And it’s all the iPod nano colors and all other colors there are and yet…

It’s no color at all.

Kinda hard to describe.

Plus it comes with a lanyard!

How cool is that?!

We’re still not sure how Apple’s planning on getting around the whole “people go insane when they look at it” thing.

They say the G4 Cube did the same thing, though, so…

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, when you see some supposed pictures of the Apple phone, if they don’t drive you insane, then they’re just crappy Photoshop mock-ups.

That’s all.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Crazy Apple Rumors Site and a consortium of other Apple rumor sites announce today that they are suing Linksys for restraint of trade over the company’s announcement of its new iPhone line of consumer handsets.

“Linksys, in delivering a product with the same name as a widely rumored Apple product, has severely damaged our ability to do business,” said Think Secret’s Nick dePlume.

“Apart from the difficulty in having to clarify that the iPhone we are talking about is not the Linksys iPhone but the widely rumored Apple iPhone, Linksys’ announcement severely damages our credibility by making it appear as if we could have gotten the entire thing wrong.

“Which we may have. I mean, I don’t speak Chinese, for chrissake. Have you tried working with Chinese sources? There’s the language and the time difference and the source building sessions where you have to eat things like chicken feet.

“It’s hard. It’s not like the old days when Apple sources would just walk up to you on the street and hand you a wad of confidential documents.

“Stupid Steve Jobs.”

The consortium is seeking an immediate injunction on the use of the iPhone name and $1.4 billion damages from Linksys.

“That probably sounds like a lot,” said Apple Insider’s Kasper Jade. “But remember that this comes as we’re entering the busy time of year for us – the time leading up to Macworld San Francisco – so the damage is particularly bad. Plus we have a lot of Christmas bills we need to pay off.

“And I’m getting sick of this stupid business and I’d really just like to cash out.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site editor John Moltz said the consortium might be willing to settle out of court for a lesser amount if Linksys executives agreed to admit that they were “great big poopy heads who smell like the feet of indigent Finnish day laborers.”

“We don’t really get anything out of that,” Moltz said. “I just think it’d be funny.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources today indicate that Apple, despite the numerous patent claims and weeks of rock-solid reports of multiple iPhone models, only started working on the iPhone yesterday.

According to those in the know, the company had not even considered getting into the cellular phone business until it became apparent that rumors of an iPhone were not going away and that the company would be considered a failure if it didn’t produce.

“Well, we didn’t want to do one,” said Apple hardware engineer Alan Kane, “but now we kind of have to. Sheesh.

“Everyone’s all ‘Ooh, the iPhone’s got a slide-out keyboard and video and songs and it’s GSM and CDMR, M-O-U-S-E.’ And you know how Steve hates to let people down. Oh, he hates it.”

Apple is rushing to get the iPhone designed and prototyped before Macworld San Francisco next month so that it can be announced during the keynote.

Kane said it should be no problem.

“We’ll just cram. Pull a couple of nighters. We made the first iPod in a week and a half. I mean, it’s just a hard drive. And we didn’t even write the OS.

“If worse comes to worse, we’ll just mock something up with foam core board and some glue. A couple of pipe cleaners. That’s what we did with the iTV.”

Other than Kane and several senior executives and PR officials who provided background information, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Analysts have reached a fever pitch in their attempts to outdo each other in iPhone prognostication.

A report from Piper Jaffrey’s Gene Munster earlier today claimed that it is “almost certain” that Apple will announce an iPhone in January. This prompted Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers to declare that not only will Apple announce an iPhone, it actually already has and they’re sold out.

In his first quarter forecast for Apple, Niles said that Apple has already sold 7 million iPhones and 3 million iPhone Pros, and that the company is seeking relationships with other Chinese manufacturers because it is unable to keep up with demand.

In reality, Apple has not announced and refuses to comment on the existence of the iPhone.

Wall Street Analysts call Niles’ report “premature speculation.”

Reached for comment, an embarrassed Niles was apologetic.

“I don’t know what happened,” Niles said. “Maybe things were going a little too fast. Back and forth, faster and faster… all this hot speculation… I think I just got too excited. Maybe it was too long since the last time I wrote one of these. Maybe it was a combination of things.

“This has never happened to me before. I swear.”

Apple sighed heavily and declined, yet again, to comment on the iPhone.

Sources in a sushi restaurant near One Infinite Loop have forwarded this internal document left behind by Apple employees conducting a working lunch.

The document appears to begin with Apple’s recent and current offerings and then lays out the company’s future strategy for each major product line years to come. This is an astounding view into what’s to come from Apple.

Wireless evolution

• AirPort
• AirPort Extreme
• AirPort Turbo
• AirPort Mach 5
• Ultimate Airport with black Nick Fury
• AirPorsche, Es Ist Sehr Awesome!
• AirPort Extended Play
• AirPort Unlimited
• AirPort Forever
• AirPort and Robin
• AirPort Rebranded 2.0
• AirPort The Awakening
• AirPort Vs. Freddie Kruger

Computers

• Power Mac
• PowerBook
• Mac Pro
• MacBook
• MacBook Pro
• MacPro Book Pro
• ProBook MacMacMacitty ProBook
• MacPro Professional Edition with Windows Vista Unlimited to the Extreme
• MacBook Returns
• MacBook and Robin
• MacBook Pebble Beach Celebrity Pro-Am
• MacBook Pro Bowling

Software

• Final Cut Pro
• Final Cut Express
• Final Meat Cutlets
• Final Express – Director’s Cut
• Mac Express Pro Cut, Finally
• Final Cut Amateur
• Final Cut Amateur Porn (Grainy VHS Edition)
• Final Cut Begins
• Final Cut and Robin
• Final Calcutta – Bollywood Musical Pro
• Final Fantasy Express Cut Pro XIV (Subtitled “Anime Dude Looks Like A Lady”)

iPod

• iPod
• iPod mini
• iPod shuffle
• iPod nano
• iPod nano nano
• iPod video
• iPod video killed the radio star
• iPod nano y nano
• iPod electric shuffle
• iPod and Robin