Apple Performance Completely Dependent On Wall Street Jargon.

Stunning news today as a report by MarketWatch reveals that Apple’s viability hinges entirely on “a long-term bearish technical pattern.” Rumor sites were struggling to defend their relevance as the reporters of upcoming Apple products – things that people might actually wish to exchange currency for in future Apple fiscal cycles – as that information is clearly useless.

According to MarketWatch, what’s important when considering investing in Apple is not the particulars of the company – its management, its expectations for upcoming quarters, even its P/E ratio – it’s what the current groupthink is.

The bear counterattack totally engulfed the bulls’ attack; hence the name “bearish engulfing.” This is a sign that bears were able to withstand the best that bulls had to offer and came back even stronger.

Asked to interpret, the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg was at a loss.

“I don’t know what this means, really,” Mossberg admitted. “I think there are these guys who think they’re bears and these other guys who think they’re bulls and, apparently, there are more bear guys than bull guys. Or something. And somehow because of that you shouldn’t buy Apple.”

Other analysts confirmed that, while it’s not currently recommended to buy Apple stock – nor have they ever admitted that it is – it’s not really Apple’s fault.

“Apple’s not a bad company,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “It’s just mathematically challenged. I mean, look at the mathematical technicals.”

According to MarketWatch,

Mathematical technicals, which are derived via calculation of data over a specified time period, help investors gauge the momentum of a stock’s move by measuring its current performance to that of its recent past.

Niles fell silent, however, when asked to explain how “mathematical technicals” were any different than attempting to pick tomorrow’s Lotto numbers based on the numbers that have appeared over the past few days.

“It just is, OK?”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s month-end and daddy’s gotta pay the bills! Today’s edition of the Help Desk is the all-product placement dance mix!

Q: I have an iMac that I use as kind of a media hub for my photos and music and video. A lot of the files are the only copies I have, so I’m really concerned about backup. What do you suggest?
A: I suggest the biggest, most expensive hard drive from the fine folks at LaCie that you can possibly afford by taking out a second mortgage on your home. LaCie: manufacturers of quality backup storage drives.
Q: Oh. Wow. That seems… like overkill. I mean… I have a G3 iMac with a CD burner an about a hundred iPhoto pictures and maybe 500 songs and… well… really no video at all yet. I just… is that really necessary?
A: Uh… no. No. I guess not. If you want, you could just get an iPod shuffle and a very expensive DVD burner from our glorious technological overlords at LaCie.
Q: Uhhh… You’re pretty much going to suggest a solution involving LaCie no matter what I say, aren’t you.
A: What? No! That’s… absurd.
Q: I have moles in my underwear drawer.
A: LaCie makes a fabulous mole trap that fits right in your unmentionables drawer!
Q: What?! No they don’t!
A: Well… no. But they could. They’re very smart.
Q: Oh, stop it.

Q: I have a LaCie Firewire drive and I’m having a problem with using it with iDVD. I’m trying to burn a… hey… wait a minute… You just put a link to a LaCie product page… Hey! You did it again!
A: Well, there’s nothing wrong with providing a helpful link to fabulous products from LaCie in case our readers want to make a purchase. Of some… you know… LaCie products.
Q: You’re just a link whore! A dirty, dirty link whore!
A: Oh, come on. If it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right?
Q: Because you’re getting a kickback?
A: Oh, yeah! That’s it!
Q: Pff!

Q: Oh, jeez, you know what, I was going to ask a question, but I’m kinda tired and since I know you’re just going to turn it into an excuse to link to… them… just go ahead and do it.
A: No! No! You’re ruining it for me! You need to say it!
Q: [sigh] OK. … LaCie.
A: Yeah, baby!
Q: Ack, god, I feel so cheap!
A: Oh, that totally wears off after a few sweet, sweet kickback checks!

Steve Jobs Fires Someone In His Sleep.

According to sources in Apple’s product marketing division, analyst Hugh Kogan has received the most unusual honor of having been fired by a sleeping CEO Steve Jobs.

Kogan claims that as both he and Jobs slept on Tuesday night, their dreams crossed over and Jobs conducted his firing transcendentally.

“It was wild, Kogan said. “Steve was in my dream and I was in Steve’s dream. We were in Grand Central Station, which is kind of funny because I’ve never been there… hmm… But maybe Steve has…

“Anyway, he beckoned to me from across the empty, cavernous main hall and as I approached him I noticed he had white earbuds in his ears. The other end of them was plugged into a block of cheddar cheese Steve was holding in his outstretched palms. I could hear Deep Purple’s Smoke On The Water playing.

“That’s when he fired me.”

Since it was still just a dream, Kogan was uncertain whether or not the firing was also in effect on this plane of existence. The next day he stuck his head into Jobs’ office to confirm.

“Am I…?” Kogan began to ask.

“Totally,” Jobs replied, cutting him off without looking up from the plans for the 21-inch tablet device and media center that will run on OS X “lite”.

“And for the record,” Jobs continued, “that was muenster and it was Iron Butterfly’s In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

Suddenly, Yoda appeared in a corner of Jobs’ office, looked at Kogan disapprovingly and said “That… is why you fail.”

“Wha…?” said a startled Kogan. “Oh, hey, this is a dream again!”

Looking up, Jobs said “What? Oh. No. That’s an animatronic Yoda George Lucas gave me. It says that all the time. You’re still fired.”

“Oh,” a disappointed Kogan said.

Kogan’s resumé is on line for prospective employers without astral projection powers.

17-Inch MacBook Pro Still Stupid Big.

Disturbing reports are coming in from Apple customers who have just purchased the recently released 17-inch MacBook Pro. According to these sources, the new laptop is just as stupid big as the 17-inch PowerBook it’s replacing.

“Apple simply has not corrected the overt stupid bigness of the 17-inch form factor, said Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell. “These laptops are so big as to be effectively unusable. It’s like someone threw up aluminum all over your desk. It’s ridiculous.”

Some sources had indicated that Apple was working on a technology that would have obviated the need to obey the Pythagorean theorem, allowing the company to pack a 17-inch diagonal screen into a 7 X 9-inch laptop on the MacBook Pro line. Apparently, that technology has not come to fruition.

“It’s troublesome that Apple let its customers down like this,” said former San Jose Mercury News columnist and noted Mac user Dan Gillmor. “We expect more from Apple than whining about the laws of mathematics.

“As it is, only the people who currently own 17-inch PowerBooks are going to want to use the 17-inch MacBook Pro,” said Gillmor. “And, sure, the people who were specifically waiting for Intel-based 17-inch Mac laptops. And maybe a couple of hundred thousand other people.

“But, for those of you who haven’t had a chance to lay hands on one of these things, let me just tell you, it is some kinda stupid big.”

According to sources, the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big that it can be easily bent by putting one end into a pair of vice grips and pulling very hard on the other end.

“I bet you can’t do that with a 12-inch iBook,” Snell said.

“Mostly because it’s plastic and it’d probably just snap like a stale cracker. But, still, shouldn’t we as Mac users be able to put our laptops into vice grips and attempt to bend them to no avail?

“I dunno. Maybe it’s just me.”

Apple failed to return numerous inquiries asking why the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big.

New iPod Sr. VP Now Bucking For Floor Marshal.

Sources indiate that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Tony Fadell is hoping to turn Apple’s decision to build a second Cupertino campus to his advantage. If and when the iPod division moves into new digs, a lot longer to become floor marshals. People who’ve already taken the fire safety class, who know CPR and who – even though it’s not required – brought in their own flash lights.

Pulling out brand new 6 D-cell Maglite, Oppenheimer added “The ones they give you in the floor marshall kit are really crappy.

“And, yes, I’m talking about me. But I think Phil [Schiller]’s also taken the fire safety class.”

CEO Steve Jobs has so far chosen to stay on the sidelines of this particular power struggle as he is already reportedly embroiled in an argument between Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive and Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson over items purchased from the vending machine.

Look for our three-part series entitled “If A Snickers Doesn’t Fall But Then Is Knocked Down By A Baby Ruth, Who Owns The Snickers?”