Macs Just As Vulnerable To Wolverine Attack.

A disturbing report was released today by computer security research firm Computer Security Research Inc. indicating that – despite the belief held by most Mac users that their computers are nigh invulnerable – Macs are just as likely to suffer wolverine attack as computers running Windows.

“This is very disappointing to me as a technology professional and as a Mac user, Hol-y crap!” he exclaimed. Turning to the door to a back room, Marteau shouted “Henri! Nous avons besoin d’un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents!”

“Aw! Merde!” a voice – presumably that of Henri – replied. “J’ai presque finis les laisse rose!”

A five minute rapid-fire argument ensued in French that Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were unable to transcribe, but which left a chastened Henri to the task of constructing un crapload de pièges avec les petite dents.

Until adequate protection can be devised, Apple is advising users to keep their Macs away from arctic regions were the wolverine is primarily found.

Intel-Based Macs Make Their Own Gravy.

After Apple’s announcement that the MacBook Pro would ship with faster than expected processors, few Mac users expected that Intel-based Macs would hold other surprises.

But Mac user Alton Brown of the Food Network’s Good Eats has discovered that – in a treat that all Mac users will enjoy – all Intel-based Macs make their own gravy.

Brown first made this discovery last week after receiving delivery of a brand new 1.66 GHz Intel Core Duo Mac mini.

“Previous Mac I’ve owned have all made juices of various kinds,” Brown said. “I had a lime iBook, for example, that made lime aid. It was delicious. Particularly in the summer. Very refreshing.

“Anyway, I had a pan going and I had the Mac mini sitting there and… I dunno. I was just curious.”

“I was also completely soused on cooking sherry. Whew! Man, was I drunk.”

Brown discovered that, when mixed with cream and flour, the dripping from a heated 1.66 GHz Intel Core Duo Mac mini will create a rich gravy suitable for any festive occasion. Brown has also subsequently tested a MacBook Pro and an iMac.

Asked what the Macs he’s tested taste like, Brown indicated that the Mac mini gravy tastes like beef gravy, while both the MacBook Pro and iMac taste like chicken gravy.

“I don’t know why that is,” Brown said quizzically, taking another sip from the pan his mini was sitting in. “Maybe it’s the GMA graphics card…”

Apple declined to comment, but in what may be an unrelated incident, the entire Cupertino campus smelled like bacon today.

Upcoming Video iPod Not The Video iPod.

Extremely disappointing news has reached the Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters today as sources indicated that the upcoming iPod announcement will not be that of the true video iPod as expected, but another pretend video iPod.

As educated Apple followers will know, the “video” iPod that was released in October was not the true video iPod. October’s faux “video” iPod is really nothing more than a resized photo iPod with a larger hard drive and certain added capabilities.

Such as the ability to play video.

The true video iPod – predicted by rumor sites since the Clinton administration – will be a video powerhouse of untold video power featuring a video screen of gigantic iPod porportions with enhanced video graphics and, most importantly, the ability to play video.

Totally different iPod.

Quite possibly it will also feature free high-speed wireless downloading of movies currently in the theater, force feedback for the Brickles game, free pie and an optional laser cannon for you to use to smite your enemies. These remain unconfirmed, however.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is advising readers to not be fooled by whatever pretender to the throne of the one true video iPod Apple trots out later this week. Wait for the real thing which Apple will almost certainly announce next month or the month after or sometime during the Time of the Lawgiver when apes rule the Earth.

That’s supposed to be around 2050.

The one, true video iPod’s appearance will be notable for causing Apple fans to experience:

  • Weakness in the knees
  • Visions of a chorus of angels sounding upon high
  • A damp, squishy feeling in the loins
  • Stigmata

Rest assured that rumor sites will let you know when the one true video iPod has arrived.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Help Desk offers tips for what you can do to keep your Mac safe.

Q: I’m horribly concerned about the OS X Trojan that does nothing malevolent. So concerned that I have trouble sleeping at night and when I finally do fall asleep at 3:00 AM I have nightmares about the Trojan invasion of Tyre. Bunch of dudes in skirts running around… Horrible. Just horrible. Anyway, can you expound at length today, eschewing all other questions, on how I should best deal with the current security crisis… or epidemic… call it an epidemic if you like… facing the Mac?

A: As you well know, we here at Crazy Apple Help Desk have a vast experience with Macs, OS X, security issues and hot, steamy sex with Salma Hayek that far outweighs that of any of our readers.

Don’t go to Chris Breen or John Gruber or Rob Griffiths if you want help on any of those subjects, either.

Although I heard Breen actually nailed Crystal Bernard once. Which, you know, that’s great and all, I guess, but it was in 1988 and he won’t stop talking about it.

At any rate, allow us to dip into our impressive breadth of knowledge and convey at least a small portion of it to you as best we can.

I’m talking about Mac security, not sex with Salma.

That’s between us and Salma.

But allow us to just reiterate:

Hot.

And.

Steamy.

But for the purposes of this discussion – the one about OS X security threats and how best to protect yourself – that’s neither here nor there.

Still…

…

Hot and steamy.

…

OK.

The most certain means of protecting your Mac is to not, under any circumstances, remove it from the box. This is a classic rookie mistake. A lot of switchers, for example, will make this mistake. Typical Windows user. Rush to get the computer out of the box, get yourself all excited and then like thirty seconds later they’re all apologies, “Oh, my god, I can’t believe it! That’s never happened before! Oh, I’m so sorry! I can usually go a lot longer than that!”

Yeah, right, Windows boy.

Anyway, if at all possible, keep your Mac in the box it came in and place it in a spare room and lock the door from the inside.

Tell no one.

Except your clergyman.

Apparently there’s some sort of mojo they can do to keep the devil out.

Depending on your denomination. I mean, if you’re a Unitarian, don’t even go there, girlfriend.

Also, many people do not take the term “fire wall” literally enough. Tricking your router out by painting it like a van with flames and a big Frank Frazetta of a dude with a sword probably won’t keep it safe from malware, but it will make you look like a real badass.

That’s gotta be worth something.

Finally, uh, don’t open files from strangers and make sure Safari’s set to not automatically open downloads.

G’nite!

Q: …

You didn’t have sex with Salma Hayek.

A: Um…

Well…

…it was dark.

Apple to Open Tech Support Facility In India.

An Indian news service reported today that Apple, following the lead of hundreds of other American companies, is opening a massive technical support center in India.

Almost immediately, a whine of epic proportions went up from the Macintosh community, largely consisting of concerns that Indians:

  • Possibly because they had to live under the rule of the British Empire for almost 200 years, still speak English with a “reel funnay accent.”
  • Despite being college educated and hard working, the fact that they were born into a society with a lower cost and standard of living somehow means they’re stupid or incompetent.

One legitimate concern was that forcing someone named Harischandra to answer the phone “Hello, my name is Harry. How may I help you?” may be considered an international human rights violation.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has instituted the following measures to ensure that the help desk service delivered by its Indian call center is on par with or exceeding the company’s existing reputation for quality:

  • The hit movie Monsoon Wedding will be a free iTunes download to help acclimate Apple customers to the Indian accent.
  • All support question will be answered in the form of a light-hearted Bollywood musical number, featuring hundreds of dancers, a full orchestra with a zither and a bansuri, and a lot of head movement and coy blinking and smiling meant to convey such topics as “Please reboot in single-user mode.”
  • The company will only be hiring hot, buxom Indian women such as are depicted in any illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra.
  • Every 100th help desk caller is allowed to skip the Hindu cycles of death and rebirth and go straight to enlightenment.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but sources say that CEO Steve Jobs has taken up Bikram yoga in the last month.