New iPod Nano Photo Leaked.

While other easily debunked photos have recently been seen on the web, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources have forwarded the definitive photo of the actual iPod nano to be announced next Wednesday.

According to a source who claims to be within the iPod division, the new nano will feature several totally awesome features. Most notably, Apple has done away with the controversial non-user-replaceable battery in favor of crank-driven power and every eighth album in Coverflow will be a picture of Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

While most Apple followers hailed the new features to surely be announced next week, some were skeptical.

“What the fuck is that?” asked Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch.

“No, really, what the fuck is that? Because is sure as hell isn’t a new fricking nano.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t walk away from me, bitch!”

Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber wondered “Why the fuck is there a first generation shuffle click wheel on it? And why’s it so much blurrier than the rest of the image? And what’s that crap around the handle of the crank? And…”

None of this skepticism, however, takes into account the super awesomeness of the features of the new iPod nano which will surely rawk several million sawks.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but was somewhat blurry and pixelated around where Infinite Loop meets the rest of Cupertino, as if it had hastily been pasted there.

Apple Announces Sept. 5th Special Event.

Apple sent out invitations to press announcing a special event on Sept 5, emblazoned with the tantalizing tagline, “The beat goes on.” Although most analysts believe this to be the release of long-overdue new iPod models, sources deep within Apple indicate that’s not the case.

Branching into other consumer fields, Apple is introducing a line of audio-equipped kinetic devices. The first in the line, the iWhisk, takes advantage of the miniaturization advances used in the iPod nano to cram a 1 GB music player into the ergonomically designed handle of a stainless steel whisk. According a source in the iPod division, the key feature of the line is that the mixing motion generates kinetic energy, removing the need for a battery.

The source said “This is Steve’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all those class-action lawsuit assholes who bitch about battery life. You want more battery life? Shake your moneymaker.” The source refused to define “moneymaker,” but said, “Oh, I think you know what I mean.

“Shake it. Shake it real good.”

The source noted that the iWhisk is just the beginning. Apple intends to add music-enabled martini shakers, Shake-a-Puddin, and, oddly, maracas which are technically already music-enabled.

While these products are definitely under development, other sources indicate there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.

Or it could be porn-related.

Hotz-Mania Sweeps the Globe.

Just days after announcing that he had successfully hacked an iPhone so that it can be used on a service other than AT&T’s, New Jersey resident George Hotz has already become a media darling and his star continues to rise.

Already having appeared on CNBC last week, Hotz has a busy week ahead of him:

  1. Monday: Dinner at the White House (alone, strangely, as president Bush isn’t there).
  2. Tuesday: Will unlock an iPhone LIVE! on Good Morning America wearing goggles and a white lab coat, assisted by the New York Giants cheerleaders. Diane Sawyer will inexplicably refer to him as “Professor Hotz”.
  3. Wednesday: Stan Sigman will be brought before him, prostrate and pleading for his life. Hotz, however, is unmerciful, and kills the whimpering Sigman with his bare hands, mounting his corpse on the white picket fence outside his house as a warning to other long-winded cellular providers.
  4. Thursday: Will sign a three-movie deal with Miramax for “iUnlocked It! – the George Hotz story”.
  5. Friday: Hot chicks everywhere will declare that they’ve “got the hots for Hotz!”
  6. Saturday: Hotz flies to England to be knighted by the Queen. There is an uncomfortable silence when the Queen says “We also have the hots for Hotz! Yes. Quite.”
  7. Sunday: On the seventh day, Hotz – creator of the unlocked iPhone – will rest.

Asked what the big deal is about a dude with a soldering iron and an open social calendar, Apple Phone Show host Scott Bourne said “He hacked an iPhone, dude! Oh, my god! You can use it with a T-Mobile account now! Don’t you see?! This changes everything! He is our new master! All hail George Hotz!”

Bourne then admitted he really had no idea what the hell the big deal was, either.

Suspects Wanted In Apple Store Break-In.

Seattle police have two suspects in their sights for the break-in Wednesday morning at an Apple Store in Seattle at the company’s University Village branch: Rob Enderle and George Ou.

The soi-disant analyst and security expert were spotted on University Way North – known as “The Ave” – just a couple miles from the mall, near the usual assortment of street kids and homeless people, hawking Apple laptops out of a canvas bag.

“Five dollah, five dollah, five dollah,” Ou was heard to call.

When police approached the pair, they stuffed the computers back in the bag, and ran off surprisingly fast, eluding arrest. “We know what they look like,” Seattle Police spokesperson Marcia Graystone said. “For some inexplicable reason, their pictures are already all over the Web. Apple has also agreed to loan us several black helicopters with white Apple logos to continue the search.”

While the motivation for the theft are unclear, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber said that he suspected Ou and Enderle were trying to create a lower-priced secondary market for Macs to drag Apple’s stock down.

“They might also have been aiming for iPhones, but didn’t recognize the boxes, having never seen or touched an iPhone, much like fairy hunters never having seen a fairy,” Gruber said.

“Also, they are both enormous dicks, and anything they do must be seen in that light.”

Matt Deatherage of MDJ, a frequently published analytical journal, added that Ou and Enderle might have been trying to suggest that Apple products were insecure, and had become confused about the difference between system security and physical security of an Apple Store.

“They’re so totally uninformed about the Mac and iPhone platforms that this kind of mistake was inevitable,” Deatherage noted.

Seattle Police expect that Ou and Enderle will next hit the What The Fuck Mac Store located near the site of their attempted computer resale.

Apple stock was up $1.23 on the news and the company said all laptop owners whose computers were stolen by Ou and Enderle will receive either a free pony or an evil goat – their choice.

CARS Announces LolPogues.

You’re probably wondering why I’m taking a break from scouring the waffle establishments of this fair nation in an effort to find the Entity and save us all from robot annihilation. I’m sad to say that it’s because I’ve been forced to respond to the juvenile antics of David Pogue and his cabana boy, Shawn King.

After a Twitter exchange with Mr. King in which I commented on Mr. Pogue’s lackluster level of outreach to the rest of the Apple web, King posted this image to his Flickr account.

Ha-ha. That’s very funny. I’m out here busting my hump trying to save everyone from killer robots and…

Whatever.

Now, while that is Pogue in the picture, the sign is clearly the work of King (little known fact, Pogue is actually illiterate and dictates all of his columns and books, probably what he’s doing on the phone there).

But despite King being to blame, he’s so easy to make fun of that I thought it would be more fun to mock Pogue. Plus, the glory of this is using something that King created to mock me as a means of mocking someone else, thereby doubling his bad karma.

Sweet.

So, who wants to make some lolPogues?

Here’s the lolPogues template to which you can easily add your own text using any half-decent image editor. Then just upload the image to Flickr and add it to the lolPogues group.

I’ve even put together a couple of samples to show you how easy it is.

Hey, if I can do this with my iPhone and the top-secret version of Photoshop for iPhone while riding down I-95 in a car being driven by a talking dog, you can surely do it in the comfort of your home with your Performa and copy of PhotoDeluxe.

Now get cracking!