Apple Releases Anti-Patches for Critics

Annoyed by various manufactured criticisms such as the myths that Apple does not give credit to security researchers and that the iPhone battery will die after 400 charges, Apple has announced a new program of anti-patches. According to the company, anti-patches will be delivered solely to the desktops of the jackasses, goobers and ass clowns who populate the anti-Apple web.

Apple’s senior vice president of software Bertrand Serlet said, “The anti-patches will make complainers’ systems function more and more poorly, causing them to be both less secure and more prone to crashing.”

“Many of these complainers go to great lengths to claim that they love their Macs. Yes, well, try to tell us you love them as your files disappear, mouse motion becomes erratic, and your IP and open ports are advertised on IRC channels. Jackasses!

“But the best part,” Serlet added, “is that thanks to Apple Software Update for Windows, we can deliver anti-updates to anyone who’s installed iTunes or QuickTime.”

Apple’s plan has drawn fire from critics.

“Listen, if I want to keep any bugs I find to myself, or perhaps sell them to former Soviet agents, that’s my business,” said David Maynor, widely known for not revealing what he did then didn’t claim were major flaws in Apple’s Wi-Fi drivers one year ago.

“And now Apple is going to make my kernel panic every five hours as revenge? Well, screw them!”

Maynor then attempted to post a blog entry from his MacBook Pro, which had powered down its fan an hour before, leading him to scald his palms.

“Ow! Son of a bitch!”

Serlet declined to comment on rumors that, in lieu of delivering anti-patches to John Dvorak, Apple was just going to stick some angry muskrats down his shorts.

Griffin Introduces iPhone Stylus.

In a press release issued today, Griffin Technology announced the imPress, the first stylus specifically designed for the Apple iPhone.

The announcement was significant enough to draw praise from Chet Pipkin, president and CEO of Belkin, a Griffin competitor.

“Because Multitouch requires the contact of a human finger, we thought it couldn’t be done,” said Pipkin. “But they pulled it off. My hat is off to them.”

Despite earning the admiration of its competitors, the Griffin press release about the imPress contains some disturbing details.

As Apple has indicated, the human finger is the only thing that can reliably drive the iPhone’s Multitiouch interface. For this reason, the imPress consists of a real human fingertip at the end of a sturdy black pen made of advanced composite materials.

Derek Stembridge, vice president of Griffin marketing, confirmed that the imPress used actual human digits.

“Please, just don’t ask me where we got them,” Stembridge said.

“Really. You don’t want to know. I mean, I don’t even want to know. But no matter how badly I scratch my scalp, I just… I can’t seem to get that memory out of my head! Ha-ha!”

Stembridge then began scratching at his head, which was already covered in thick scabs.

“I’ll get it out eventually!” he cackled.

Sources in the retail channel claim the fingers came from Mexican day laborers. But one source who has worked closely with Griffin in the past but declined to be identified told reporters that the fingertips came from young, aspiring country/western performers who were lured into Griffin’s Nashville showroom.

OK, it was Shawn King.

Apple To Offer New MagSafe Product.

In a surprise announcement today, Apple said that it is working to bring its signature ease of use and design aesthetic to a whole new line of consumer products using its MagSafe technology.

CEO Steve Jobs said today that, pending FDA approval, the company will begin shipping MagSafe condoms in time for the holiday prophylactic-buying season.

“Prophylactics are too difficult to use,” Jobs said. “First, they’re hard to open. And when you’re about to get physical with some lovely lady, you don’t want to have to spend all that time rolling one on.

“We call it the Apple Skin, because it feels like skin. And I’d love to show it to you now.”

Jobs then reached toward the waistband of his pants causing a collective gasp from the gathered members of the press. Their gasps turned to sighs of relief, however when Jobs merely pulled an ordinary banana from one pocket and a sheer, silvery black condom from the other.

“Because of the Apple Skin’s anti-bacterial, anti-static surface, it will never pick up germs or dirt, so it doesn’t need to be wrapped,” Jobs said.

Jobs then demonstrated how the Apple Skin is applied. Holding the banana in an erect fashion close to the Apple Skin, the condom literally jumped the distance and slid effortlessly onto the phallic fruit.

“And because it’s MagSafe,” Jobs said, “you’re safe. You’re ensured a snug, comfortable fit no matter how clumsy a lover you are.”

For reasons unknown, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell suddenly burst into applause before trailing off uncomfortably when no one joined in.

Several Apple sites are organizing a letter writing campaign to encourage the FDA to approve the Apple Skin as soon as possible. Lines have already begun to form outside Apple Stores across the country.

iPhone News Good News For Mac Fans.

In an encouraging sign that iPhone news may finally be petering out, the biggest piece of news today surrounding Apple’s new cell phone was that the company announced that it would be releasing a new iPhone bag.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced iPhoneBag 2.0, a follow-up to the signature iPhone launch bag.

“We heard you, Jobs said. “We know how much you liked the bag in which the iPhone came in and, bam, we’ve got a new bag, due out by late July.”

The new bag will include upgraded handle with a greater thread count in the all-cotton handles, higher-resolution printing, a glossier varnish overprinting, and sturdier paper.

“The iPhoneBag 2.0 will last you through the two-year contract required to obtain the bag,” Jobs said.

“Finally some iPhone news that I really couldn’t care less about,” said Macworld senior editor Chris Breen.

“I’ll tell you, I actually threw my bag out. I really did. Without even thinking about it.”

When pushed, Breen admitted that he threw out the bag for the second iPhone he purchased. The first he’s keeping in a pristine “mint in the bag” condition on a shelf in his office.

“This is going to be a collector’s item some day,” Breen said, somewhat defensively.

“Actually, you know what? It already is.”

But the Mac community universally welcomed the news that iPhone news just isn’t news anymore.

“OK!” exclaimed an exasperated Daniel Jalkut of Red Sweater Software. “Let’s all just go back to talking about the Macintosh because everyone already has an iPhone now. So, it’s not news!

“Eeyup. Everyone but me, that is.

“Soo, let’s just talk about the Mac. You all remember the Mac, right?”

Apple declined to comment for this story but got a blank look on its face when asked about the Mac.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a brand new iPhone that I’m having trouble activating. I’ve talked with AT&T and Apple but neither one seems to be able to resolve this issue. But that’s not why I called.
A: Oh. OK, then why did you call?
Q: I called because… I BRING EVIL TIDINGS!
A: Gah! Dammit, why the hell are evil tidings always in capital letters?
Q: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF THE TIDINGS! LEST YE… UM… LEST YE CONTRACT A REALLY NASTY RASH.
A: Yeah, yeah. OK. Nasty tidings rash. I don’t need that.
Q: NO. YOU DON’T. I’VE NEVER HAD ONE MYSELF, BUT I HEAR IT’S QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE.
A: OK, so lay it on me. What are these tidings?
Q: YOU REMEMBER THE CYBER APOCALYPSE?
A: Oh, yeah. Big bad thing. Was foretold by three signs, all of which came to pass. But it never showed.
Q: YEAH, WELL, IT’S SHOWIN’. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A: Uh, octosquid? So what?
Q: SO WHAT?! IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Um, what?
Q: I SAID IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Gah! I heard you! I meant “What has begun?” And do you still need to be in all caps?
Q: UM, YES. EVIL PORTENTS JUST DON’T LOOK AS EVIL IN LOWER CASE.
A: OK, fine. Drama queen. So… what is it? This is like the fourth sign in the trilogy? Why am I supposed to care?
Q: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN’T A SIGN. THIS IS THE QUICKENING!
A: The hey with the what now?
Q: YOU WILL, OF COURSE, RECALL YOUR DÉTENTE WITH TENTACULOUS?
A: Tentaculous?! The giant octopus creature at the center of our galaxy, Tentaculous?!
Q: YES. RHYMES WITH “SPECTACULOUS”.
A: You know that’s not a word, right?
Q: YES.
A: Well, yeah, it’s kind of hard not to remember traveling 50,000 light years to fight a bunch of octopuses to a standstill.
Q: HMM. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT MORE.
A: Oh, shut up. Just tell me what the octosquid means.
Q: THE OCTOSQUID IS THE SYMBOL OF YOUR ALLIANCE WITH TENTACULOUS. THIS IS BUT THE FIRST, BUT SOON THE RANKS OF THE OCTOSQUIDS SHALL SWELL…
MACGRUDER: Heh-heh. “Swell.”
A: Get out of here, Chet.
Q: …AND THEY SHALL JOIN YOU TO FACE THE HORROR THAT AWAITS.
A: You don’t mean…
Q: I DO.
A: Oh, my god.
Q: YES.
A: George Ou and John Dvorak in thongs?!
Q: UM. NO. I WASN’T THINKING OF THAT.
A: Oh, thank god.
Q: ALTHOUGH, NOW I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF THAT. THANKS VERY MUCH. I’LL HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT.
A: Sorry.
Q: NO, WHAT I WAS REFERRING TO WAS THE ARMIES OF KILLER ROBOTS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THEIR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
A: Huh? I didn’t hear about any robot rampage.
Q: WELL, OK, RIGHT NOW I’M JUST REFERRING TO THE MURDEROUS RAMPAGE OF THE TRANSFORMERS AT THE BOX OFFICE. BUT IT’S GOING TO GET WORSE, BELIEVE YOU ME.
A: Oh. Heh. Boy, it’s all in how you hear it, isn’t it? Because after what I said killer robots doesn’t seem so bad.
Q: WELL, FINE. GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN IS MORE EVIL THAN KILLER ROBOTS.
A: OK, so is there something I’m supposed to do? I mean I always relied on the Entity to tell me what to do in these situations. Man, I wish he was here.
Q: EVEN HIS POWERS COULD NOT STEM THIS TIDE ALONE.
A: No, I just mean to answer calls like this. I hate this ponderous crap.
Q: OH.
A: Nothing personal.
Q: SURE. AS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO, WHY, YOU KNOW IT YOURSELF.
A: Um… I don’t think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.
Q: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS.
A: OK. Uh… hmmm… nnnnope. I got nothing.
Q: LOOK DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF.
A: I’m drawing a blank here.
Q: YOU’VE KNOWN THE ANSWER ALL ALONG.
A: I… don’t think so.
Q: REMEMBER!
A: Uh… huh?
Q: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU GO ON A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY, OK?! A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY! HE ONLY GOT SPIT OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE IN THE FORM THAT YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH AND YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK TO HELP DEFEAT THE TECHNOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE YOU WILL FACE AND SAVE ALL CARBON-BASED LIFE ON THIS PLANET!
A: Oh… wow! I just thought that was gas!
Q: MY GOD! IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER RECEIVED ANY KIND OF PORTENTS BEFORE!
A: I have so! It’s just that the Entity used to draw me little pictures.
Q: OH, GREAT. WELL, NEXT TIME I’LL KNOW TO BRING SOME PAPER AND CRAYONS!
A: So, I’m guessing that this is one of those quests where I won’t get a lot of instruction so I should probably just get in the car and start driving.
Q: RIGHT. NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT.
A: OK, well, I think I’ll take Howard. Leave Thor in charge. Maybe take some Baked Lays if I’m trying to find the Entity. He always liked Baked Lays.
Q: MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
A: Hey. Who are you, anyway?
Q: A FRIEND. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME… DEEP SQUID.
A: “Deep Squid”? Really?
Q: IS… THAT NO GOOD? I’M REALLY KIND OF BETWEEN CODE NAMES. HOW ABOUT TENTACLE BOY?
A: Uh… I think Deep Squid is better.
Q: OK.
A: So… Deep Squid. Does this have anything to do with Apple?
Q: OH, YES.
A: OK.
Q: AT LEAST… I THINK SO.
A: [sigh] OK. Great. Well, I’m gonna go pack.