Jobs Conducts Enigmatic Firing.

Just three weeks before Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference, Jobs conducted a firing today that has many followers scratching their heads.

As close followers of Apple know, the name of every person Steve Jobs has fired is an anagram for the next product the company releases or updates. In December of last year, Jobs fired engineer Al Pheppilone, whose name is, of course, an anagram for Apple iPhone.

The problem? The name of the engineer Jobs fired today is Xerxes Ng.

“Uh, well, OK, uh,” began Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “Oh! It’s, uh, X-Ser… uh, no. How about Sex… well, probably not…

“No, wait! It’s X-Ser… oh, no, wait, I tried that.”

“Maybe we should ask [the New York Times’ David] Pogue. Does the Times have a Jumble?”

For his part, Pogue was simply incredulous.

“What the hell kind of a name is Xerxes Ng anyway?!” Pogue demanded. “I mean, the guy’s half Persian half Vietnamese? Why the hell couldn’t Jobs have fired that dude named Mac Proboko? I mean, he’s a total slacker.”

Apple followers are now watching the company closely in the hopes that Jobs will fire someone with at least a few more vowels in the weeks between now and WWDC.

Woz Announces New Venture.

In a surprise move, Steve “Woz” Wozniak announced today that he was founding a new firm to compete with Apple, Inc., a company he started with Steve Jobs 30 years ago.

Like Apple, Wozniak’s PhonePhreaks Unlimited will market a line of handheld devices, computers, and phones. Unlike Apple, however, PU products will only incidentally be computing devices and telephones. Rather, Woz said he is poised to capture the hacking and pranking aesthetic.

“When you use the wPhone, you’ll receive a slight electric shock when it rings, unless you remember to enter ‘skcussboj’ every morning,” Wozniak said in a conversation overheard through a shotgun mike aimed near his backyard.

“Better still, you can set the device so that when someone asks you to see your wPhone, it will produce an ear-splitting shriek and an electric shock when they start messing with it. It’s awesome! Waaaaa!!! Ah-ha-ha!”

The wPhone will primarily work as a voicemail system, including a voicetree prepopulated with endless loops and Polish jokes. It will also allow the user to receive and place calls, but only to for-fee sex talk lines and Dr. Phil’s home phone.

A wWoz computer will be an aquarium full of mechanical fish, which will emit puns on a regular basis. A Woz Pro desktop model will only run Mac OS X in a form of emulation that experts haven’t yet figured out, but seems to involve BeOS, nuclear radiation, and cells scraped from Woz’s cheeks.

It is unclear whether Woz believes these products will actually compete with Apple offerings or if this is yet another prank. Or whether the idea of the products is a bigger prank than his production of them. Or if Wozniak is simply too inscrutable to fathom.

Analysts speculate that the firms hired to manufacture the PU products will find that when the schematics are turned into circuit boards, the metal traces will reveal a picture of Woz mooning Steve Jobs.

Nothing Happened In The Apple World Today.

While several sites did report a smatter of news, analysts agree that nothing of consequence happened in the Apple world today.

Indeed, the day was so inconsequential, that sources in Cupertino say tumbleweeds were seen to blow across Infinite Loop as CEO Steve Jobs and COO Tim Cook stood and watched.

“It’s quiet,” Jobs noted.

“Yeah,” Cook agreed, chewing a piece of straw. “Too quiet.”

Despite the utter lack of activity on the Apple campus, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller’s bulletin board still held an ironically-captioned sticker claiming “If you think this place is dead now, you should see it around quitting time.”

The Apple campus wasn’t the only place where nothing was happening. Third-party software developers, iPod accessory makers and other peripheral manufacturers had all but taken the day off.

At the Wall Street Journal, Walt Mossberg took a three hour nap. Across town at the New York Times, David Pogue leaned back in his chair and tossed pencils into the ceiling tiles.

Apple didn’t so much decline to comment for this story as it really just didn’t have anything to say.

“Phewwww,” Jobs breathed.

“Eeeeyup,” Cook sighed.

Apple Sued For Failure To Deliver Implied Ponies.

Just hours after being sued by a group complaining that MacBook screens do not actually display millions of colors but only hundreds of thousands, Apple was hit by another lawsuit.

A group of customers is alleging the company has failed to produce on an implied promise that every Apple product comes with a free pony.

“While it was never explicitly stated in any of their materials,” attorney Leonard Embree said, “Everyone I know thinks that that Macs come with ponies.

“It’s just a given. You buy a Mac, an iPod, an Apple TV, and you get a free pony.

“But check the message boards at Apple’s support site and you’ll see hundreds of users complaining that so far there have been no ponies. Where are the ponies, Mr. Jobs? Where. Are. The. Ponies?”

For his part, CEO Steve Jobs insisted there was never any contractual obligation on Apple’s part to supply ponies.

“We’ve been very clear about this,” Jobs said. “Any ponies that might result from owning Apple products are simply an end result. So, buying an iPod might make you more attractive to wild ponies that may just start showing up at your doorstep. Or, buying a Mac might make you more productive and therefore you might find the time to take up the care and feeding of a diminutive equine.

“Although, why you’d want to do that is beyond me. Of course, I just ride my employees around so I don’t really have use for some hay-eating poop factory.”

As a side note, Jobs claimed that it is a well-documented fact that the human eye can only see 18 colors.

“So, this whole business about whether the MacBook displays hundreds of thousands or millions is simply academic.”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

This week’s Help Desk has been outsourced to cheap labor from indiscriminate countries with a loose grasp of the English language!

Q: I am being troubled with the iMac! It always shut down with improper mood and rough abandon! Why it do this?!
A: You are being hit reset button with force of knee to the groin?
Q: No! All touches to machine are like those of effeminate Estonian man!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha! Estonians!
A: They are funny!
Q: Their derision provides spastic amusement!

Q: The iPod is the playing of music, but not the display of picture of iPhoto. iTunes is of right setting with harmony of connection, but transfer is as absent as attractive woman in Slovakian beauty contest.
A: Hmm. When plug of jack, is iPod of list with icon displayed with the certainty of arms akimbo?
Q: Uh… what?
A: When plug of jack… When iPod is in position of submission to USB male parts.
Q: Oh! Dirty intercourse of white cable!
A: Yes! There is icon of metal square with nipple.
Q: Metal square with nipple?! This being iPod of the shuffle!
A: Ack! My village elders to hit me with sticks of embarrassment!

Q: Apple’s Backup app, with terrible aforefront, will refuse the conduct, much as Slovenian women refuse the sex of their foul-breathed and grotesquely bearded men.
A: For Backup of the Apple, begin the pushing with roundly button of menu.
Q: It is with roundly Slovenian woman I would like to begin the pushing!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ahhhhh… Seriously, though, once you’ve had a plump Slovenian chick you’ll never go back.
A: Oh, reaaaaallly…