Fadell Has Screaming Tantrum.

In a disappointing sign of Apple’s executive team’s ability to effectively manage the company, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell had what child psychologists call “a tantrum” this afternoon.

According to sources, when told that his division would not be receiving the revenue for the iPhone upon its release, Fadell stomped his feet in protest.

“But it’s an iPod!” Fadell said. “It plays music!”

“Well,” CEO Steve Jobs explained gently, “So does the Mac. But the iPhone’s in a category of its own. For the time being, [COO] Tim [Cook]’s going to get the revenue.”

“But it’s an iPod!” whined an increasingly pouty Fadell.

“Uh, no it’s not,” Jobs said.

“Is so, is so, IS SO!” Fadell yelled, dropping to the floor and pounding it with his fists.

“It’s not really his fault,” Jobs said. “He had a lot of sugar earlier and didn’t get a nap.”

But Fadell isn’t the only executive with maturation issues. According to sources:

  • Tim Cook “acts out” in senior staff meetings.
  • Ron Johnson is on ritalin.
  • Donald Rosenberg sometimes doesn’t “use his words.”
  • Bertrand Serlet runs like a girl.

Apple’s stock dropped five points on the news, without the help of Engadget.

Another Speed Bump Coming.

Just days after speed-bumping the MacBook, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple will be deploying another speed bump this weekend.

Ironically, while all previous Apple speed bumps have caused things to go faster, this one will actually slow things down.

According to sources in Apple’s facilities organization, Cupertino road crews will spend Saturday and Sunday speed-bumping Infinite Loop at the request of COO Tim Cook to make traffic on the Apple campus safer for pedestrians.

“It’s no secret that we put this off for years because [CEO] Steve [Jobs] likes to drive at speeds approaching that of sound,” Cook said. “But now that we’ve finished the secret tunnel that lets him come and go as he pleases, we can address the safety of others.”

After an uncomfortable pause as the implications of of his statement sank in, Cook added “Well, he, uh, never really hit anyone. Hard.

“I mean, that guy’s already up and walking again. It’s just… it’s not a big deal.”

As is typical of Apple’s design philosophy, these will be no ordinary speed bumps. Sources say the bumps have been specially designed by Jonathan Ive and are made of advanced ceramics that will convert the pressure of the cars that pass over them into electrical energy that will help power the campus.

“They will also be gorgeous to look at,” Cook said. “Which will cause drivers to slow down even further.

“They will also smell like strawberries and champagne.”

Asked to comment about the speed bumps, Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group called them “reckless” and predicted that they would actually cause traffic to speed up on Infinite Loop.

Why Does Printing Suck?

Since the dawn of time man has asked three eternal questions.

Why am I here?

Is this all there is?

And…

Why does printing suck so badly?

I mean, WTF? It sucks whether I’m using OS X or Windows. It possibly even sucks on Linux. It’s a little hard to say, though, as Linux is only used as a desktop operating system by four trolls living under a bridge in Norway.

And I don’t mean “troll” in the sense of the forum pejorative. These are actual trolls.

But anyway, I am uniquely qualified to address this question as I was there when printing was invented. And it was not at all like you have heard. Or can imagine.

Until I tell you about it. And then you’ll probably be able to imagine it. Or at least get a fairly good idea. Not perfect, of course, but directionally correct.

Yes, I saw the Navajo god Aychpee cast the ASCII characters upon the fire and conjured them to appear on sheets of birch bark left hanging from the roof of the sweat lodge. Sadly, the conjuring of spirits is not easily translated to the world of ones and zeros.

Works a little better with analog, but that’s not really relevant to this story.

Attempting to take printing to the digital world got off to a rocky start. When Wang (stop giggling) forced the first printer driver coders to spend 18 days in the desert in nothing but a loin cloth and do mescaline to try to get in touch with their spirit guides, the result wasn’t exactly user-friendly.

Actually, it was 142 pages of Wingdings. It was only after the second attempt where they had some park rangers stand over their shoulders and put in the occasional semicolon or squiggly bracket that they actually got the printers to respond.

And that was on the Wang (stop giggling), which only used four characters.

Those characters were…

Anyone?

No. It was a, e, t and the ampersand (stop giggling).

But that was over 40 years ago. You’d think they would have gotten it right by now, right?

Sadly, discord between competing furies continues to cause things like Print Center or Printer Setup Utility or whatever it’s called this week. Even Apple’s continued attempts to appease these furies by naming its operating system releases after big cats has yielded them little.

There is hope for the future, however. Apple’s web site currently lists one opening entitled “Shaman”, another “Dark Mystic” and a third “9th Level Warlock”, although the latter is thought to be to deal with the evil goat.

Printing. Alas, we are stuck with it.

Until Apple releases digital paper with tiny bubbles that change color that can be reused as many times as you like.

Which, fortunately, is going to be next week.

Apple Working On Killer App For The iPhone.

Sources inside Apple’s software engineering group indicate that the company is hard at work putting the finishing touches on the killer app for the iPhone, which is set to be released next month.

As users have come to expect from Apple, the application takes a real-world problem and delivers an integrated solution featuring an ease of use unlike anything else currently available.

According to sources, by combining Google Maps, Craig’s List and the iPhone, Apple will provide the mobile cellular customer a heretofore unknown ability to easily find hookers and strip joints.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, CEO Steve Jobs said “By leveraging our existing relationship with Google and a new one we’ve forged with Craig’s List, we’ll have randy cell phone users satisfied faster than you can say…

“Well, something dirty.”

The application is called iVice and uses APIs specially written for Apple that allow the iPhone to provide a Google Map of the closest prostitutes and adult entertainment outlets posted to Craig’s List.

“Craig’s List – the most complete list of live adult entertainment data – provides the addresses which Google Maps – the best mapping application – displays on the iPhone – the most revolutionary mobile platform,” Jobs explained.

“This just made sense.”

“And I’d like to see someone say the iPhone doesn’t have a serious business application now. If ever there was a business application, this is it.”

Other than Jobs, Apple representative declined to comment for this story because they thought Jobs would get mad.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

And you’ll be happy to know that this week we have a Help Desk episode for you! Uh, unfortunately, we somehow lost the middle parts in post-production. I’m not sure how that happened. We’ve got the first line and the last line, but that’s it.

Hey, that’s an improvement over the last two weeks, right?

OK, let’s see what we’ve got.

Q: I have a brand new 8-core Mac Pro and I need to do some high-end video editing. I’ve got enough horse power, of course, but I’m concerned about my storage. What’s a reasonable amount of storage for high-end video processing?
A:
Q:
A: That’s not salad dressing.

Hmm. That was an odd one. Uh… I’m not sure what was going on there.

It… uh…

Well, let’s try the next one.

Q: My iMac seems to have a problem connecting to iChat. I can get through on the same network using my MacBook, but not on the iMac. What am I doing wrong?
A:
Q:
A: Well, that’s fine for you, but what about the manatee?!

I think that had something to do with sea mammals.

Well, obviously, but I mean Mac-using sea mammals.

Q: My PowerBook has served me well for several years now, but I’m thinking it’s time to upgrade to a MacBook Pro. What are the considerations I should make?
A:
Q:
UGLUK: [glack] Ugh. Uh… me think me swallow it.

Now that one I remember! Ha-ha! Ahh…

But, uh, you kind of had to be there.