iPhone Details Leaked.

Apple sources confirmed today in an off-the-record interview that the iPhone would support eighty frequency bands, up from the seven bands promised during the product’s introduction in January.

Worldwide GSM phones typically support four frequency bands, or ranges of spectrum, because of the differences in licenses for use of the airwaves in different countries and regulatory domains. An additional three or more bands are needed for data support.

Apple spokesperson Anuj Nayar, who confirmed before the interview that his name would not be used nor the contents of the interview disclosed, said, “We’re just here to blow that out of the water, just like everything that comes from Apple.”

Nayar explained that 20 of the additional bands would allow the iPhone to be used in micro-nations that had strange licensing requirements. “Rapa Nui, get ready for the iPhone!” he cried.

But, Nayar continued, an additional 25 bands would allow the iPhone to work “anywhere there’s a radio playing or the television on.” Just as in the countless science-fiction movies, the iPhone can take over any normal broadcast means for its own purposes.

Nayar confirmed that the iPhone “would not be evil in its normal operation”.

Additional band support include infra-infra-sonic, allowing the iPhone to use 4 herz (Hz) ground waves that can penetrate hundreds of miles underground to speak to mole people – “You know, mole people,” Nayar said – and the resonance frequency of krypton, oxygen, and several “of your favorite elements.”

The Beatles will be allotted a special super-band so that the iPhone can produce Beatles tunes by being placed near your old vinyl copies of the band’s albums.

“But don’t tell the RIAA!” Nayar laughed. “Ooh, boy, they don’t like you not paying for it twice! Ha-ha!

“Uhh… this conversation never happened, right?”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today’s Help Desk answers the musical question…

Q: How does Apple do that voodoo that it does so well?

A: Well, as a matter of fact, it turns out that it’s real voodoo. So, uh, as far as how they do it… I think it’s mostly chicken blood.

Q: I’ve owned Macs for about ten years now and I’ve always wondered, is Apple down with OPP?

A: Oh, yes, totally. Apple’s been down with OPP for, what, two years now?

Q: Wow. Really? Like, who? You said something about Melinda Gates the other day. Is it Melinda Gates?

A: What? What does she have to do with Other People’s Processors?

Q: Huh?

A: Other People’s Processors. You know… when Apple switched to Intel and got down with OPP.

Q: Uh…

A: What did you think it meant?

Q: I’d… rather not say now.

Q: Is this burning I feel for my MacBook an eternal flame?

A: While I’m sure you like your MacBook very much, no.

Q: Oh. So it’s probably just processor heat. Should I just get a Podium Pad or something?

A: Uh… well, sadly, in your case, only some of the burning is processor heat. The rest is VD.

Q: Oh. Wait a minute, how do you know?

A: Oh, we know. We know. For some reason we have sources at Apple and also down at the clinic. I’m still not really sure why.

New iMacs Coming.

Sources indicate that at a special event on March 20th Apple will announce new iMacs that will rock the hardware business as only an Apple product can.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that the new iMacs will come in an exciting new form factor. In 2003 Apple introduced iMacs with a circular base. In 2004 it introduced iMacs with an all-in-one rectangular form factor.

“Based on the latest trends in design, a highly-placed source said, “The 2007 iMac will be in the shape of a rhombus.”

Marketed under the catch-phrase “ParalleloWHAM!”, the new iMacs will feature Samsung’s brand new 17, 20 and 24-inch non-perpendicular LCDs

“We haven’t the slightest idea why Samsung decided to make monitors with non-perpendicular corners,” a source who was totally not Greg Joswiak said. “But when [Apple CEO] Steve [Jobs] saw them, he flipped. He said ‘We’ll take as many as you can make!’

“And I’m looking at Jony [Ive] like, hey, Elton, help me out here! But Jony’s such a butt-kisser he’s like, ‘Oh, Steve, I couldn’t agree more! Non-perpendicular trapezoids are where design is going to be in two years. You’re way ahead of the curve again! Rectangular screens are so 2006.'”

The new iMacs have already been delayed as Apple has had difficulty in finding vendors of rhombus-shaped corrugated boxes to ship the units in.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story and the source who was not Joswiak declined to pick up the tab for lunch at the sushi place.

New Beta Coming From Parallels.

Parallels announced yesterday that Parallels Desktop is out of beta and now provides compatibility with Leopard and Vista.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has plans to expanded its product line-up beyond merely allowing Mac OS X and other platforms to run other operating systems in separate environments.

Parallels Desktop for Reality, expected to go into beta shortly, goes one step further, allowing separate bubble universes to form on any computer running Windows 2000, XP, Vista, Mac OS X, and releases of Linux that do not contain the word “foobar” in source-code comments.

Desktop for Reality uses the hypervisor feature of modern processors to tear small rents in the fabric of time and space, and then encapsulate those in a graphical user interface. Because processors can calculate at rates that allow relativistic effects to appear in each window’s frame (or window) of reference, time can be slowed or sped up within each bubble universe.

For instance, a Photoshop rendering operation that might take 100 years in regular time can be launched in a virtual window in which time is sped up to a factor of 100,000 relative to our own. While this would require a display that could handle 1024 by 1920 parsecs to display, Desktop for Reality can scale to fit. Also, sources warns that Photoshop images will be red-shifted or blue-shifted, depending on time dilation and the observer position in our universe, and require additional color correction.

Sources believe that its Incoherence mode will be used the most, however. In Incoherence, fundamental events in the computer history timeline can be modified before a bubble reality is launched. The beta comes preloaded with “Woz decides to keep building calculators for HP,” “Jeff Bezos was killed in that helicopter crash and replaced with a robot named Amazon Prime,” and “IBM buys MS-DOS outright from Ballmer, Gates, instead of licensing it.”

Preliminary release notes for the beta of Desktop for Reality say that side effects may include vertigo, nausea, and hallucinations due to the computer’s localized control over the creation of bubble universes and time flow, but only because they need to tweak the USB 2.0 drivers a bit further. They also warn that you should make sure and leave Ironic Outcome unchecked in the Edit menu, as it might result in you being trapped within a universe of your own making in which Mac OS X never existed.

Apple Clarifies Apple TV Delay.

Sources close to Apple revealed today that the Daylight Savings Time Update package for Tiger and Panther contain a special enhancement required for use of the upcoming Apple TV media adapter: February 2007, will have 63 days in it.

Due to Apple’s promise to deliver the Apple TV “in February, and their failure to have product ready by the traditional end of the month, which contains 28 days in years other than leap years, CEO Steve Jobs opted to manipulate the calendar for his purposes.

“Technically, by agreeing to our software licensing terms, Mac users also agree to be governed by the Stephorian calendar which, admittedly, is a term I just made up,” said Apple senior vice president for worldwide marketing, Phil Schiller, who asked to not be identified in association with this article.

“Under the conditions of that license, Apple can make arbitrary changes to the length of a second or a day, or change the length of months and years,” Schiller said.

“Actually, if you read it closely, we can pretty much do anything we want. I can’t believe you people just click through those things.

“A lot of our customers have been asking us for 30-hour days and 10-day weeks for a while. Yes, we know they were kidding, but it’s too late for jokes now, folks.”

Along with the 63-day February, the year following 2009 will be known as 200X, and Bill Gates’s birth date, along with the birth dates of all his children – but not Melinda, for some reason – will be removed from future Apple calendars.

Because the ubiquitous iPod also uses the same set of calendars, the changes are expected to gain immediate popularity. Linux users will be required to develop their own patches to conform to the Apple calendar. As Apple is unlikely to license the Stephorian calendar for Windows, users of that platform will soon be called “February 63rd Fools” and be forced to move to a small rural community in Indiana.

The Apple TV is schedule to ship by Feb. 63rd, unless further developments make the cancellation of summer necessary.