Macworld unveils Macworld Insider Insider

Just moments after announcing its new premium subscription service, Macworld Insider, Macworld magazine announced its new premium premium service, Macworld Insider Insider.

“Macworld Insider gives you full RSS feeds, electronic access to back issues and full prima donna status in the Macworld forums,” said managing editor Jason Snell. “It’s the subscription service for the elite Macworld reader. The reader who’s a cut above the usual yahoos who read our magazine.

“Macworld Insider Insider, however, is for those above the elite.”

According to Snell and a press release written on the softest of lambskin in the finest India ink and delivered by a naked lady riding a white stallion, “Macworld Insider Insider is the Macworld magazine subscription service for the Illuminati of the Apple world, those who are influencers, opinion makers, those who pull the puppet strings.

“People like John Moltz.” (At least that’s what my press release said.)

For an undisclosed amount (because if you have to ask, you can’t afford it), Macworld Insider Insider subscribers will receive:

  • More unneeded justification for their already overblown, smug feelings of superiority.
  • A personal reading of each edition by a supine Andy Ihnatko, wearing nothing but a towel.
  • Frequent calls throughout the day from editor Dan Moren to give you the “inside scoop” on what Steve Jobs is doing right now. Here’s an exclusive preview: “Hi. It’s Dan. No, he’s still eating the falafel, but he took a phone call about five minute ago from someone and said ‘Fine. Sure. OK.’ and then hung up. Not sure what that… I GOTTA GO I THINK HE SEES ME BEHIND THIS PLANT. [click]”
  • Complete video of Chris Breen’s latest colonoscopy.
  • One (1) Rob Griffiths, mint in box.
  • “Complete access” to Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, if you know what I mean.
  • A Macworld tote bag.

In a comment thread on the article announcing Macworld Insider, readers — unaware of Macworld Insider Insider — bemoaned the fact that we live in a market economy.

“It is unacceptable to expect the working proletariat — the true engine of all economic activity — to have to pay for goods and services that ultimately are produced on their own backs,” said commenter Carl Marks. “Your capitalist exploitation will collapse under the weight of its own greed and be swept away by the fires of the coming glorious socialist revolution!”

Commenter Lenny Trotts agreed. “$3 A MONTH IS TOO MUCH SB FREE MACWORLD #FAIL”

While both Macworld Insider and Macworld Insider Insider are available immediately, video of Breen’s colonoscopy is still going through the post-production work Breen insisted on in order to make his colon look “stunning”.

(Disclaimer: I have been known to write for and receive payment from Macworld and there may be incriminating photos of me on the Internet drinking with some of their staff. Scandalous, really.)

Tomorrow's products today

As you know, we here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are plugged in to the highest levels of Apple’s executive management.

(You know what’s really crazy? That’s actually true. Or used to be.)

So, needless to say, we know exactly what the company is announcing tomorrow and are here to reveal them now so you don’t even have to bother tuning in on Wednesday or read any Internet reports or wait until Thursday to read about them in the “news”-paper so just *go to bed, old man!*
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The all-new iTV – Apple has completely reconceived the Apple TV, making it smaller, iOS-based and 100% more trademark-infringing. Or is that 200%? Well, whatever, it won’t matter because the new device is so jeans-creamingly good that customers and competitors alike will simply choose to gird their loins in plastic rather than give it up (girding your loins in plastic is just good hygienic sense anyway). According to sources, Apple has found a way to provide an almost infinite supply of content for virtually nothing. The company has circumvented the stringent entertainment company licensing restrictions by simply streaming the content from the future when it’s no longer covered under copyright.

“We had to go pretty far into the future,” the CARS source said, “Because Congress and then the American Socialist Party Commissariat and then the Glaxxon Squid Imperium and then the Robot Hive Collective and finally the All-Knowing Unimind keep extending the copyrights. But, about fifteen hours before the sun goes nova, everything is copyright-free!”

Apple will charge a dollar an episode simply to cover timeshifting costs.

The new iPod touch – Will gain not only front and back cameras, but also side cameras that will make it easier to parallel park in tight spaces.

The all-new iPod nano – The nano will go square and gain a touch-sensitive screen that will be able to run App Store apps in a tantalizing mode known as “so small as to be unviewable”. The iPod nano will have 187 cameras on it facing in all directions.

The new iPod shuffle – The current iPod shuffle has proved to be only modestly popular because of the tiny form factor and the complicated click-navigation system. Recognizing this, Apple has decided to flex of its innovative might and eschew form factor entirely. Instead, the iPod shuffle will be sold as a concept. “The new iPod shuffle concept allows users to think about music in ways they never could before,” the source said. “The problem with listening to music is that you are restricted by the artists’ interpretations. But most people are unable to make their own music that doesn’t just suck. The iPod shuffle concept solves this dichotomy.”

With the iPod shuffle concept, users will conceive their own musical paradigms in a Platonic framework provided by Apple that brings order to the formless cacophony of their stunted capability for musical expression. The iPod shuffle concept retains the $59 price tag but requires commitment to an immersion program that lasts 3 months. The battery is not user-serviceable.
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That’s it!

So, kind of a slow year.

Serious iPad Flaw Discovered

Apple is hastily trying to respond to a serious iPad flaw that has only now come to light after customers have been using the device for several weeks. The company’s support forums are rife with complaints about the iPad’s deleterious effects, including one from Ryan McCloskey of Dayton, Ohio.

“I was sitting down on the couch to watch Netflix on the iPad,” McCloskey said. “And I noticed these scuff marks on the coffee table… right where I was going to put my feet.

According to McCloskey, the optimal ergonomics in his home for the iPad involve him sitting in a slouched position on his couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table and the iPad resting on his thighs, using the “false boner” created by his jeans as a stand. And since acquiring his iPad, McCloskey says, he’s been sitting like this so much he’s destroyed an heirloom coffee table that’s been in his family since 1985.

From Anchorage to Key West, from San Diego to Bar Harbor, this position has widely been confirmed as the most optimal by iPad owners who have used the device for more than a week.

The result is a rash of scuffed and scraped coffee tables across a nation where sitting down around the coffee table to enjoy beer, board games and electronic devices (but, ironically, not coffee) has long been considered not really a national pastime per se, but some kind of more ill-defined national activity of unspecified frequency and duration.

The devastating coffee table Armageddon inflicted by the iPad has, of course, prompted the predictable lawsuit.

“Apple’s astounding disregard for the damage the iPad has done to its customers’ furniture is reprehensible,” said attorney Rhys Shea. “Even the company’s own marketing materials negligently suggest customers prop their feet up on their coffee tables to the detriment of their finish and structural integrity.”

Won't somebody think of the furniture?
(Images copyright Apple, Inc.)

“The members of my firm’s class action suit against the company will not be satisfied until they have their entire living room sets replace,” Shea said.

“Because all the pieces match, you know. You can’t just replace the coffee table. You have to replace the cabinet and the side table… the whole living room set.”

Apart from the class action, a group of concerned parents has formed to protest the iPad. The group claims that the kind of relaxed sitting position the iPad elicits — one that parents have been telling their children not to do for decades, if not millennia — will incite disobedience, sloth and immoral behavior.

Spokesperson Maureen Crimp said “I’ve seen the data. The correlation between sitting in a slouched position with your feet on the furniture and the kind of depraved activities that are tearing our society apart — masturbation, driving over the speed limit, premarital sex and watching ‘Glee’ — is almost 1:1.”

Not one to miss an opportunity, Griffin Technology announced today the $49.95 Sole Soother for iPad, a revolutionary protective covering for tables and other surfaces. The Sole Soother will be available in July in leather, neoprene, and microsuede fabrics and include an integrated 30-pin dock connector for charging and mounting the iPad when not in use.

Apple, despite being described as trying to hastily respond, did not respond to requests for comment.

Desperately Seeking Sexbots

I don’t know who the guy in the video below is but, if I did, I could tell him that waiting for Apple to deliver sexbots is a waste of time. With them it’s all “Ooh, iPhone this” and “Ooh, iPad that” and “Ooh, look at me in this leather teddy, does this make you hot? Ooh, you want me to announce some products? Hmm? Do you want me to do it all dirty?

What?

Anyway, while you’re idly thumbing through the Sears lingerie catalog waiting for Apple to realize where the real money is, you might take a gander at this video thing my good friend Geoff Barnes is doing.

Who knows? You might even learn something.

Probably not, but if you’re a shut-in or something it’s possible.

Stark Expo Hires Paul Kent.

In a stunning blow to IDG, Stark Expo has hired away the man widely credited for keeping Macworld Expo afloat since Apple stopped attending the conference after last year.

Stark Industries CEO Pepper Potts, who sits on the board of Stark Expo, explained the move.

“After the events of Stark Expo 2010, we need someone with Paul’s experience in rebuilding confidence in a conference,” she said. “As you can imagine, it’s a little hard to get exibitors to sign on for Stark Expo 2011 when their pavillions were all destroyed by automated battle drones controlled by a Russian maniac bent on revenge. Paul brings a proven track record of being able to accentuate the positive in a difficult situation.”

For his part, Kent was melancholy about leaving Macworld Expo behind, but excited about the opportunity presented to him.

“I’ll miss the people of the Apple community who I’ve worked with for so long,” Kent said. “That truly was the best thing about putting this show on every year. The people.”

“But, holy crap, is Stark Expo paying me a lot of money! I mean, I threw out a number that was so big astronauts could see it from space and they added a zero to it! I should have switched to defense industry conference planning years ago. No offense, but so long, Mac suckers!”

Composing himself and wiping the tears of laughter out of his eyes with a crisp $100 bill, Kent said “No, but seriously, I’m gonna miss you.”

Kent does have his work cut out for him. So far the only two exhibitors signed on for 2011 are Stark Industries itself and Xe Services.

“I’m pretty sure that, with the help of my obscene entertainment budget and the Stark Industries luxury box at Yankee Stadium, I’ll be able to sign on some more big-name exhibitors this summer,” Kent said. “I dunno, does anyone make cases for weapons systems? People like cases.”

IDG CEO Bob Carrigan issued a prefunctory statement expressing his personal disappointment while wishing Kent all the best.

Carrigan was later seen at a Boston drinking establishment crying while sipping a crantini.