OF THE CELESTIAL FIREBALL!
OF THE CELESTIAL FIREBALL!
The world of mobile telecommunications was shocked this morning to discover that former AT&T Mobility CEO Stan Sigman is not the man people thought he was.
Just 12 hours after the event honoring his induction into the Wireless Hall of Fame and his rambling 5-hour acceptance speech, Stan Sigman was revealed to be not a man at all but a piece of performance art.
Speaking to gathered media, San Francisco performance artist Julian Leflaunt said that for the past 40 years, he has been playing the part of “Stan Sigman” as part of a piece entitled “Corporate ‘Leadership’ and The Folly of the American Enterprise”.
“I created everything about Stan,” said Leflaunt. “From his horrible public speaking ability to his post-retirement goatee.”
Working as a Bell stockman the 1960s, Leflaunt says, he became aware of the vapid nature of our vaunted executive class.
“I was determined to show the CEO for what he was: a long-winded oaf concerned with nothing more than achieving personal glory off the back of the worker. These emperors of our economy have no clothes, I thought, and I set out to devote my life to showing them to the rest of the world as I saw them.”
Cleverly manipulating the bureaucracy at Bell, Leflaunt recast himself as “Stan Sigman”, the name being a play on “standard signal man”, which the artist says represented the conformity enforced by corporate America on the proletariat.
So his life’s work began. But then, Leflaunt said, something strange happened.
“As much as I wanted to hate him, I grew to love Stan,” he said. “My feelings for him as a rising CEO did not change — I still believed him to be the most useless of cogs in the capitalist machine — but as a person I found him to be sympathetic and even tragic. His love of golf for its moments of platonic camaraderie and closeness with other men, a closeness he always craved from his father but never got. His passion for quarter horses, driven by his recurring childish fantasies of being a cowboy on the frontier of the late 1800s. The more I rounded out his character, the sadder he became to me.”
Leflaunt admits that the piece got out of hand.
“I really had no intentions of carrying it on for more than 40 years,” Leflaunt said. “But I couldn’t stop. I needed to see how it ended! And then the iPhone deal just fell into my lap.”
Leflaunt was concerned the deal was almost his undoing.
“I was frightened that I had overplayed my hand at Macworld Expo in 2007,” Leflaunt said. “I wanted to deliver a truly dreadful speech, I felt that was important to the piece, but when I shook Steve Jobs’ hand after I was done, I thought I saw him give me a look. I flew home in a cold sweat.”
For his part, Jobs says he was completely unaware that the man he had worked with on the most significant product release of the decade was an utter fabrication.
“I had no idea,” said a disbelieving Steve Jobs. “I mean, one time he was chuckling in the middle of a meeting for no discernible reason, but… wow. Incredible. My hat’s off to him.
“Anyway, this totally voids our exclusivity deal with AT&T so… Verizon iPhone in January.”
Asked what he will work on next, Leflaunt says he plans on taking his first vacation in 40 years, claiming the others were in character so they don’t count. Then he plans to devote time to cat memes on the Internet.
“That’s where all the cutting-edge work is being done nowadays,” he said.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs was reportedly stopped at Japan’s Kansai International Airport because a security scan detected weapons in his luggage.
But shame on Jim for not mentioning he was going to do this on the elite Apple press email list we all belong to. We here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site (which, by the way, Wired, is trademarked in the state of Washington) have known of this incident since it happened back in July. But we did what good reporters do: we covered it up.
That’s our commitment to you: covering up the stuff you really shouldn’t know about.
Just moments after announcing its new premium subscription service, Macworld Insider, Macworld magazine announced its new premium premium service, Macworld Insider Insider.
“Macworld Insider gives you full RSS feeds, electronic access to back issues and full prima donna status in the Macworld forums,” said managing editor Jason Snell. “It’s the subscription service for the elite Macworld reader. The reader who’s a cut above the usual yahoos who read our magazine.
“Macworld Insider Insider, however, is for those above the elite.”
According to Snell and a press release written on the softest of lambskin in the finest India ink and delivered by a naked lady riding a white stallion, “Macworld Insider Insider is the Macworld magazine subscription service for the Illuminati of the Apple world, those who are influencers, opinion makers, those who pull the puppet strings.
“People like John Moltz.” (At least that’s what my press release said.)
For an undisclosed amount (because if you have to ask, you can’t afford it), Macworld Insider Insider subscribers will receive:
In a comment thread on the article announcing Macworld Insider, readers — unaware of Macworld Insider Insider — bemoaned the fact that we live in a market economy.
“It is unacceptable to expect the working proletariat — the true engine of all economic activity — to have to pay for goods and services that ultimately are produced on their own backs,” said commenter Carl Marks. “Your capitalist exploitation will collapse under the weight of its own greed and be swept away by the fires of the coming glorious socialist revolution!”
Commenter Lenny Trotts agreed. “$3 A MONTH IS TOO MUCH SB FREE MACWORLD #FAIL”
While both Macworld Insider and Macworld Insider Insider are available immediately, video of Breen’s colonoscopy is still going through the post-production work Breen insisted on in order to make his colon look “stunning”.
(Disclaimer: I have been known to write for and receive payment from Macworld and there may be incriminating photos of me on the Internet drinking with some of their staff. Scandalous, really.)
As you know, we here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are plugged in to the highest levels of Apple’s executive management.
(You know what’s really crazy? That’s actually true. Or used to be.)
So, needless to say, we know exactly what the company is announcing tomorrow and are here to reveal them now so you don’t even have to bother tuning in on Wednesday or read any Internet reports or wait until Thursday to read about them in the “news”-paper so just *go to bed, old man!*
The all-new iTV – Apple has completely reconceived the Apple TV, making it smaller, iOS-based and 100% more trademark-infringing. Or is that 200%? Well, whatever, it won’t matter because the new device is so jeans-creamingly good that customers and competitors alike will simply choose to gird their loins in plastic rather than give it up (girding your loins in plastic is just good hygienic sense anyway). According to sources, Apple has found a way to provide an almost infinite supply of content for virtually nothing. The company has circumvented the stringent entertainment company licensing restrictions by simply streaming the content from the future when it’s no longer covered under copyright.
“We had to go pretty far into the future,” the CARS source said, “Because Congress and then the American Socialist Party Commissariat and then the Glaxxon Squid Imperium and then the Robot Hive Collective and finally the All-Knowing Unimind keep extending the copyrights. But, about fifteen hours before the sun goes nova, everything is copyright-free!”
Apple will charge a dollar an episode simply to cover timeshifting costs.
The new iPod touch – Will gain not only front and back cameras, but also side cameras that will make it easier to parallel park in tight spaces.
The all-new iPod nano – The nano will go square and gain a touch-sensitive screen that will be able to run App Store apps in a tantalizing mode known as “so small as to be unviewable”. The iPod nano will have 187 cameras on it facing in all directions.
The new iPod shuffle – The current iPod shuffle has proved to be only modestly popular because of the tiny form factor and the complicated click-navigation system. Recognizing this, Apple has decided to flex of its innovative might and eschew form factor entirely. Instead, the iPod shuffle will be sold as a concept. “The new iPod shuffle concept allows users to think about music in ways they never could before,” the source said. “The problem with listening to music is that you are restricted by the artists’ interpretations. But most people are unable to make their own music that doesn’t just suck. The iPod shuffle concept solves this dichotomy.”
With the iPod shuffle concept, users will conceive their own musical paradigms in a Platonic framework provided by Apple that brings order to the formless cacophony of their stunted capability for musical expression. The iPod shuffle concept retains the $59 price tag but requires commitment to an immersion program that lasts 3 months. The battery is not user-serviceable.
So, kind of a slow year.