Lackluster WWDC Keynote Explained.

Since last Monday’s WWDC keynote, Apple pundits have been falling over themselves attempting to explain what many felt was a lackluster performance by Apple and CEO Steve Jobs.

Some fear that the company has simply fallen behind the curve and that – contrary to Jobs’ protestation that he couldn’t reveal Leopard’s secrets because Microsoft was watching – Apple’s upcoming operating system simply doesn’t have any exciting secrets.

Others even believed that a poor keynote meant that Jobs might be sick.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources close to the Apple CEO revealed over the weekend that the keynote was sub-par simply because Jobs had his period.

According to sources, Jobs was irritable the entire weekend before the keynote, threatening to fire even more people than usual. By Monday morning, Jobs was not feeling particularly “fresh.”

“I don’t want to speak for him,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “but I know that Steve was feeling bloated, crampy and, more importantly, not pretty.

“Several times he asked me if the black turtleneck and jeans he was wearing made his ass look big.”

According to Schiller, Jobs’ performance is predicated on his image of how others perceive him far more often than Apple followers might think.

“When Steve feels pretty, you get a good keynote. When he’s not feeling pretty, you don’t.

“Fortunately, he’s almost always feeling very, very pretty.”

Jobs declined to comment for this story, but did burst into tears as he ran away from reporters.

Nothing tonight.

Ironically enough, the Help Desk guy may have a bad memory module. It took a couple of attempts for it to get recognized when I installed it the other day and tonight the machine locked up when I was about half way through tonight’s post which I hadn’t saved.

Detail your bad memory experiences in the comments. It’ll be kind of a do-it-yourself Help Desk tonight.

To make it a 12-step Help Desk Program, you can take “bad memory experiences” however you want. Don’t feel limited to hardware issues, please go into that time you got pantsed by the seniors in gym class. Or the time you got dumped at the prom. Or the time you wrote that heartfelt note to the guy/girl you liked and he/she spent the next four weeks laughing hysterically every time he/she saw you.

For extra credit, you can guess which one of those actually happened to the Help Desk guy (yes, it was only one of those, thank you very much).

Mac Web Universe Shrinking.

Over the past several years, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been monitoring a frightening trend, one that impacts almost every member of the Mac community.

According the research conducted by the Crazy Apple Rumors Site Labs in conjunction with the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the Mac web universe is shrinking, losing an average of one web site a year.

According to MIT’s Dr. Ranjit Vij, the Mac web universe may be trapped in a collapsing warp bubble that is forcing it to inexorably shrink in size.

Many trace the start of this trend to the disappearance of Bite.org – an “in your face”/”use your toothbrush” Mac rumors site – that went defunct back in late 2001.

More recently it was PerversionTracker in 2004, As the Apple Turns in 2005 and now, in 2006, Drunken Batman has gone silent.

A silence which we here find ominous.

Which site will be next? Daring Fireball? The Unofficial Apple Weblog?

Or Crazy Apple Rumors?

And why is it always the good ones that die too soon? Why not MacOSRumors or PowerPage?

I just…

It’s just that…

Oh, god, I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I DON’T WANT TO…

…

Sorry.

It’s just… very scary, you know?

I mean, no one even remembers the spectacular Mac rumor site done by Dr. Dalen Quaice anymore.

I don’t want to go out that way.

But there is a disturbing portent to this phenomenon.

Go to Apple’s new Leopard page and you’ll see an X fly in with a snow leopard print background. But hover your cursor over the X and move your scroll wheel and you’ll see the X fly away leaving nothing but a black emptiness.

Is it message?

Or more meaningless eye candy?

Or is it a message wrapped in meaningless eye candy?

Keep watching the web.

Executives React to Apple's Stock Option Investigation.

As the investigation in potential stock option irregularities continues, Apple’s current and former senior executives have begun to seek legal counsel.

Former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen has lawyered up, hiring representation from the firm Arguedas, Cassman & Headley. AC&H in turn has hired another law firm that specializes in technology industry stock options – Shea, Thurston & Greaves.

In a bizarre turn of events, ST&G then hired Heinen as a “subject matter expert.”

“Hey, wait a minute!” Heinen exclaimed, looking up from her legal pad suddenly, in the middle of taking her own deposition. “This isn’t right!”

CEO Steve Jobs claimed today that none of his options were backdated, but he did admit to changing a B- to a B+ on his high school report card using a fine point El Marko.

“The sad thing was, it was gym,” Jobs said nodding sardonically.

“Eeeyup. Gym.

“Mr. Stykowski… did not like me.”

In an effort to protect his assets, former head of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein ate his stock options earlier today.

“They’ll never get them now!” a defiant Rubinstein said, shoving company stock option statements into his mouth.

Rubinstein admitted that he may have trouble “exercising” his options at a later date.

Apple declined to comment officially, but the company has always advocated maintaining a high fiber diet.

Mac Users Don't Believe WWDC Leopard Screen Shots.

Despite the seemingly unimpeachable nature of the source, many Mac users believe that Steve Jobs’ Leopard presentation yesterday was nothing but a collection of cleverly Photoshoped images.

After a string of supposed Leopard screen shots were promulgated on the Internet prior to WWDC, many may be gun shy.

As soon as Apple posted the QuickTime stream of the WWDC keynote, Mac users noted some troubling details about the so-called “Leopard demos.”

Analyzing screen captures he had taken of Jobs’ demo of Spaces, Mac user Alex Johnson noted “There’s severe pixellation on the edge of every window. And the font kerning is all wrong.

“Here,” he said pointing at the screen with a Space Food Stick. “And here.”


“Now, sure, it could be because it’s a screen capture of an overloaded QuickTime stream. Or it could be because this is yet another phony collection of Photoshop creations intended to fool eager Mac users into thinking Apple is going to release features called ‘Time Machine’ and ‘Spaces.’

“Wake up, sheeple!” Johnson shouted.

Then he angrily took a bite of the Space Food Stick.

Other Mac users went further than Johnson and speculated that Jobs himself may be a clever Photoshopping, pointing to the pronounced edge of his outline against the screen behind him.

“But I don’t just mean in the picture,” said Carl Stoller. “I mean all the time.

“Maybe I’ve just been burned too many times by Apple screen captures, but don’t you think Steve is just a little too good to be true?”

Apple representatives stood by the veracity of the screen images shown during the keynote.

But, under closer questioning, they did admit that Phil Schiller wasn’t really on a rollercoaster in the iChat demo.