Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, more bitching and moaning about Apple!

Q: Man, Apple is so lame! They don’t use open standards! I want my documents, photos and spreadsheets to be useable on any platform ten years form now. I mean, who knows how long Apple’s going to be around or how long I’m going to want to hitch myself to Steve Jobs’ whims?
A: Oh. So, you must use Linux and open-source applications.
Q: What? No. Have you seen that crap? It’s practically unusable. Fricking tabs and buttons all over the place.
A: Uh, well, please tell me you don’t use Windows.
Q: No, no, no. No, I use a moleskine for my word processing, I get my pictures printed at this hour photo place – they do good work – and I have a big… green… ledger.
A: Uhhh… huh.
Q: Oh, yeah, laugh now, but you’ll be laughing out the other side of your mouth when Apple says you’ve gotta bark like a dog to get your data!
A: …
Q: …
A: Woof! Woof! Woof-woof!
Q: Oh, shut up.

Q: I’ve really had it with Apple. I just bought a Power Mac and I’m terribly disappointed. I expected more from a company with a reputation for quality products.
A: Well, it’s all relative, I guess. Apple does have a higher customer satisfaction rating than any other computer company.
Q: That may be, but they’ve totally lost mine. I mean, this keyboard is horrible! You practically have to pound the keys and then they stick.
A: Oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Q: It’s not! And don’t even get me started on this hockey puck mouse!
A: Hockey puck mouse? What did you just buy?
Q: A G4 400. Sawtooth? Yikes? One of those. Got it off eBay.
A: … And you’re complaining about Apple’s quality control.
Q: Well… yeah. They did make it.
A: I see. You know, I hear those Mac Portables were pieces of crap, too.
Q: Really? Man, what is wrong with them?!

Q: Apple has just completely pissed me off.
A: Oh? Well, what is it this time? iPod battery not working anymore? MacBook Pro not cooking your grilled cheese sandwiches to perfection anymore? Phil Schiller not returning your personal phone calls?
Q: No. No. Nooooo.
A: OK, then what is it?
Q: Um… is it still a grilled cheese if it has tomato in it?
A: Yes.
Q: Oh. Then never mind.

Apple Announces Something.

Apple announced something today at a press conference at the company’s Cupertino campus. Unfortunately, all accounts of the event were devoid of any details of what, exactly, it was that Apple announced.

This incident truly brings into question the company’s decision to use supermodel spokespersons, which male reporters apparently find rather distracting.

According to the New York Post’s Page Six “We Hear…” section, supermodel Gisele Bundchen shot a campaign for Apple’s “new Mac line” last week. Bundchen then flew to Cupertino where she announced…

Uh… something.

Reached at his office shortly after the event, Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said “You know, the whole thing was kind of a blur. I remember a bikini and…

“I don’t really remember anything else.”

Analysts cannot decide whether Apple’s new program is ill-advised or a stroke of genius. If the company hopes to attract attention to new Intel-based Macs, hot babes in bikinis may distract more than reporters.

However, if the company was announcing that it was yet again the subject of a lawsuit, a distraction might be just the thing.

“I guess it was bad,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “But, honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Wasn’t listening. There was lycra and skin and…

“Oh, mama…”

Despite the controversy, many Mac users have asked Apple to escalate the new policy to naked hot spokesbabes.

Mac Users Demand Anti-Windows Immigration Legislation.

As the realization that their values are being compromised by an inundation of inbred, Windows-using yahoos spread today, the Mac community began to rise up and demand action.

“In order to protect our vital cultural heritage as Mac users, we ask that the Mac community be sealed off until futher notice,” said a statement issued by a collection of commenters on this site.

Recognizing a vital voting bloc in this year’s mid-term election, politicians raced to pander to Mac users.

President Bush today vowed to build a 150 mile collection of fences around Apple Stores in an effort to keep Windows users from migrating to the Macintosh. Republicans in Congress pressed for stricter measures that would require former Windows users to switch back.

House Democrats, meanwhile, proposed a tepid reeducation program that would help Windows users acclimate to the Macintosh community by teaching them some of the basics of good taste.

House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi said, “Many Windows users simply don’t know, for example, that War At Home is really a horrible, horrible show.

“Truly awful. Abysmal. Absolutely unwatchable.”

For most Mac users, however, none of this pandering was satisfactory.

“I won’t be happy until Windows users are shot before they come within thirty feet of a Macintosh,” said columnist Andy Ihnatko.

“I’m kind of a stickler that way.”

Many were concerned that an influx of Windows users would mean fewer Macs for those who bleed six colors.

“Macs for Mac users!” a collection of protestors shouted unironically outside the flagship Fifth Avenue Apple Store.

Apple declined to comment for this story other than to repeat “‘Macs for Mac users’?”

Mac Community Flooded With Hillbilly Windows Users.

MacNewsWorld reports today that investment banks are bullish on Apple in large part because of the iPod “halo effect”, where customer satisfaction with the iPod results in the purchase of a Mac.

But as more and more people switch from Windows to the Mac, Mac users these days are taking a look around and concluding “There goes the neighborhood.”

An informal survey of the Mac community conducted by Crazy Apple Rumors Site revealed that many feel that the influx of former Windows users has effectively cheapened the overall quality of the Macintosh experience.

“I was in an Apple Store yesterday and I was appalled at the quality of the customers, said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg. “In the span of five minutes I saw a woman with an ‘I’m the best grandma!’ t-shirt and a grown man with one of those rat tails.

“Frankly, I didn’t even think these people were allowed on Fifth Avenue, let alone the Apple Store.”

But New York is not the only place members of the Mac community were expressing dismay at having to share their favorite platform with slack-jawed mouth breathers just bused in from Windows, USA. Users in Tennessee were likewise sickened.

“Is this the kind of people we want in the Macintosh community?” asked Shawn King of Your Mac Life. “With their polyester stretch pants and their mustaches and their minivans and their According to Jim fan fiction?

“According to Jim fan fiction! I’ve seen it! It’s horrible! I mean, of course it’s horrible, it’s based on According to Jim! It has to be horrible by definition!”

Several law firms have expressed interest in starting a class action lawsuit against Apple to have the influx of former Windows users stopped before more damage is done.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Crazy Apple Help Desk helps Apple executives with their problems!

APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: It’s Steve. Let’s do this thing.
A: Steve. Steve. Steve.
JOBS: Look, I don’t even know why I’m calling you. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m sure there’s something wrong with you, but there’s nothing wrong with me.
A: Steve, Steve, Steve. “Nothing wrong” with you? Nothing?
JOBS: Well… maybe… maybe one thing.
A: Mmm-hmm. Let it out.
JOBS: It’s just… it seems that, I’ve had people tell me that… I… I…
A: C’mon, Steve. You can do it. Open up.
JOBS: I might be addicted to firing people.
A: There. There! You said it! You took the first step on a journey of recovery. Was that so hard?
JOBS: [sigh] Whew! Feels good. Feels… powerful. Although, everything I do feels powerful.
A: Uh, yes. But the next step is to begin a 12-step program toward recovery. You’ll never be fully over it. You’ll always be a firer. But through the program you’ll learn to say “No. Today I will not fire anyone. Today I choose not to fire anyone.”
JOBS: Hmm. Well, you know what? I don’t really want to do that.
A: Um, well, Steve…
JOBS: That’s my thing. That’s what I do. It’s a great motivational tool.
A: Steve. Steve. It’s tearing you apart and everyone you love!
JOBS: … No it isn’t.
A: Oh. Uh… well then. Carry on.
JOBS: Wait… how did you get on my schedule for today?
A: I’d rather not say.

CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER PETER OPPENHEIMER: I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
A: Well, that’s what we’re here for.
OPPENHEIMER: It’s embarrassing…
A: No, no. We all need help from time to time. What’s your problem?
OPPENHEIMER: I… I love too much.
A: Love too much?
OPPENHEIMER: Love too much.
A: Love too much.
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm. Too much. Too much love. I do it too much. I overdo it on the love.
A: Too much. You love too much.
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm. I do. I mean… who knew that not everyone likes long hugs?
A: Long hugs? That’s how you love too much?
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm-hmm.
A: Well… how long do you hug people?
OPPENHEIMER: Well, I… I don’t know. Twenty, thirty minutes.
A: Twenty or thirty minutes?
OPPENHEIMER: Is that… is that too long?
A: Pff! No! You go right back out there and keep hugging people for… twenty or thirty minutes! There’s nothing wrong with that!
OPPENHEIMER: Well, that’s what I thought!
A: You’re not the one with the problem. They’re the ones with the problem.
OPPENHEIMER: You know, it’s nice to hear that from someone else! Give me a hug!
A: Oh… uh… no, um… I don’t… uh… well… um… you’ve got me now…
OPPENHEIMER: See, isn’t this nice?
A: Uh… did you… happen to see what time it was when you started hugging me… ’cause… I’ve got a dentist appointment…
OPPENHEIMER: Shh…

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: Uh, yeah, I hate to tell you this, but that wasn’t Peter Oppenheimer.
A: What?
COOK: Yeah, apparently there’s been someone going around impersonating Peter.
A: Uh, so any idea who he is?
COOK: Just some big sweaty lunk who likes to hug people.
A: Wow. But wait a minute. Then why did he kept whispering monthly iPod inventory levels in my ear?
COOK: Oh. Huh. Well, maybe it was Peter…