Crushing your soul, one little angel at a time

Good news is, Apple ripped Ringo a new one and won in the Apple vs. Apple Corps suit.

Doesn’t it remind you of those super-hero crossovers where Spider-Man fights the Fantastic Four or something? You’re both so good. Why are you fighting? They almost always turn out to be over a misunderstanding. Or mind control. I wonder which one this was over?

Bad news is, it’s “Fricking get some shit done already” week here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site and, sadly, the activity known as “posting” is not a member of the “shit” set. Howard needs a tick bath, the Entity’s CD collection isn’t going to rip itself, Masako needs to work on some ad coding, Ugluk caught a mammoth over the weekend he’s got to gut and skin (at least he said it was a mammoth, but I’m a little suspicious as the Point Defiance Zoo is missing an elephant), Thor’s performing the first all-nude open-heart surgery at the Mayo Clinic, Chet’s making cut-out dolls of all the Apple executives and I’m learning how to win friends and influence people…

THROUGH THE POWERS OF VOODOO!

…

It’s a… correspondence course.

Anyway, we’ll be around and we’ll check in from time to time. See how you’re doing. Maybe bring you a casserole. That kind of thing.

In the comments, please tell us the deep, dark fear that lurks inside you.

Other than us taking a week off.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take a look at what happens when the Help Desk doesn’t get any calls.

It’s not pretty.

A: No, look, I’m just saying that at times the Hulk has had god-like strength, so if Superman fought him during one of those times, I think the Hulk would win.
MACGRUDER: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. Superman is just as strong as the Hulk, plus he’s smarter and has heat vision and shit. It’s not even a contest.
A: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.
MACGRUDER: Whatever. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.
A: Oh, stop it. OK, let’s move on to the next question. ‘Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannson – who would you rather do?’
MACGRUDER: What?! Oh, man! When did the GREs get so hard?!
A: …
MACGRUDER: What?
A: This isn’t the GRE. This is a quiz in Maxim.
MACGRUDER: Oh. Are you sure? There was that one that involved numbers.
A: That was about how many nipple slips Halle Berry had last year. And you answered that way too fast.
MACGRUDER: I… can have a hobby.

THOR: So then Schiller said to Tim Cook, you take either one, but the sexbot stays with me!
A: Ha-ha! Oh, man, that is classic!
THOR: I know!
UGLUK: Me no get it.
A: Ha-ha! What?
THOR: Oh. Well… you understand the “wing man” concept, don’t you?
UGLUK: Yes, but Schiller say ugly one have wide, child-bearing hips. Why he no want one with wide, child-bearing hips?
A: Uh…
THOR: Well, Ugluk, I think they were mostly just kidding around. We weren’t really going to go home with any of them.
UGLUK: Ugluk perhaps not find your fornication humor amusing. Procreation taken very seriously in my clan. Where – I have you know – wide, child-bearing hips seen as very attractive. Ugluk’s mother, for example, have wide, child-bearing hips.
A: Oh. Jeez.
THOR: I’m terribly sorry. That was very culturally insensitive of us.
A: Yes. I’m sorry.
UGLUK: …
THOR: …
A: …
UGLUK: Ha-ha! No, Ugluk just messing with you! Ha-ha!
THOR: What?
UGLUK: Ugluk like pretty women with large breasts just like next guy!
A: Oh! Ha-ha!
THOR: Ah! Good one!
UGLUK: You should have seen expression on face!
THOR: Ha-ha! Ah!
A: Ha-ha! Ahhh… Wait. Is liking wide, child-bearing hips the same as liking a big can? Because…
UGLUK: Dude…
THOR: Dude…
A: Well… I just want a ruling there.

HOWARD: Still no calls?
A: No. But, to tell the truth, I figured out around lunchtime that the phone wasn’t plugged in. I just left it that way. It’s just that I was getting so much done.
HOWARD: But… you’re playing Call of Duty.
A: Yes. Yes, I am. Ask me how many Panzers I’ve take out.
HOWARD: Mmm, no. I live in fear that information like that is going to one day push something important out of my brain. Like how to breathe. Then I’m going to be flopping around on the floor trying to remember how to get oxygen into my lungs when all I can think of is the number of Panzers you took out. I just came in here to let you know that we’re going to that new Irish bar to get a head start on Cinco de Mayo. It’s going to be a whole evening of multi-ethnic public drunkenness. The Entity already teleported over to grab a table. You coming?
A: Well… no. I’m just so swamped.
HOWARD: With… defending the Ardennes?
A: Well, yeah. It’s not like the non-player characters are going to do it. I mean… look at this guy. He just keeps getting hit by this German dude and falling down and getting back up again. Over and over and over. I don’t know how the Allies won with guys like this.
HOWARD: C’mon. I’ll buy you a two-olive martini with Quintessential.
A: Well… OK. I’ll just leave the game up on the outside chance they actually do hold the Ardennes without me.
HOWARD: OK. Sounds good.
A: But I bet I’m going to come back on Monday and that guy’s still going to be getting hit and falling down over and over. I just don’t get that.
HOWARD: There’s a good chance you’re over-thinking this.

Apple Engaged In Viral Obsolescence Scheme.

The Apple community was outraged to learn today that Apple has been caught in what government regulators are calling a viral obsolescence scheme.

According to sources within the Justice Department, Apple executives conspired with trend setters, posers and members of the media and the online community to create a sense of urgency around upgrading their iPods or risk being uncool.

As the iPod market has become saturated, Apple used the only means available to it to generate new sales to those who already owned one: peer pressure.

In one Justice Department document forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Apple executives are accused of paying college students to roll their eyes and scoff whenever one of their peers was seen using an iPod that was more than one generation behind the current release.

Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller vehemently denied the charge.

“That is categorically false,” a visibly angry Schiller said. “We never paid anyone to do that.

“We were going to, but then we realized we didn’t have to. They were already doing it for free.”

Despite the seriousness of the charges, the Justice Department is declining to take any action against Apple.

“It’s actually not illegal,” Special Prosecutor David Rivera said.

“I mean, it kind of pisses me off because… well… that iPod mini I had was just fine. Just because [Attorney General] Alberto Gonzales said hot pink was a sissy color is no reason for me to have gone out and bought a 60 GB video iPod. Particularly when my whole music collection is only 10 GB.”

Sighing heavily, Rivera speculated “I dunno. Maybe I’ll get into ‘Scrubs’.”

Apple Switching To Windows.

The Macintosh community was devastated to learn today via a report on osViews that Apple will be switching to Windows.

According to an article by “Sharp”, Apple will migrate from the Mach kernel to Windows Vista, fulfilling the vision of at least some, “Sharp” said.

One camp believes Apple MUST adopt Windows in order to survive.

While it is undeniably true that Apple MUST adopt Windows in order to survive, research by Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff indicates that other things this group believes are:

  • If you’re ever lost in the forest and you don’t have any food, you can survive for 8 weeks by eating your own liver.
  • That kid Mikey from the Life cereal commercials died by drinking Coke and eating Pop Rocks at the same time.
  • If you want something bad enough and you wish really, really hard and you write a crappy web editorial as if it were going to happen, it just might!

Still, they are right that it is undeniably true Apple MUST adopt Windows to survive.

Sadly, the Mac community is still in denial over Apple’s decision to migrate to Windows.

“Hmm, I’m not so sure,” said Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber. “Normally I believe everything I read on the Internet, but the whole thing just sounds so completely, intensely, and painfully stupid to me. I actually have a headache after reading ‘Sharp”s posts.

“But he does have a cool 3-D diagram of the different technologies all fitting together like a puzzle, so… maybe it is true.”

After reading the following passage, however, Gruber quickly moved from “denial” into the “anger” phase.

Now in 2006, the Intel compatible version [of OS X] is out and bundled with the new machines. But just like it led a secret life for 5 years, the Runtime Layer version (like OPENSTEP on Sun, or Rhapsody on WinNT) is at their disposal. So, evidently, they’re looking to Vista to be the underpinnings of the continued “Mac look & feel” and allow their userbase to run ALL Mac OS X app’s as well as ALL Windows app’s natively.

“That’s so unreadable that I really have no idea what exactly he means,” Gruber said. “There are some wild leaps of logic there but…

“OH, MY GOD, APPLE’S CONVERTING TO WINDOWS!”

“Sharp” did not mention that the future Mac OS as he describes it would, by definition, be just as susceptible to existing Windows malware, nor did he explain how switching to an underlying architecture that it has no control over would somehow make Apple more viable.

But, the ability to run Windows apps with an Apple interface would just be so unbelievably boss-a-rific that no explanation was needed.

Because all Mac users love Windows apps. And, really, what Apple MUST have to survive is that vertical market point-of-sale system for the wholesale dental supply industry.

But it is an anonymous comment on “Sharp”‘s original article at osViews that fleshes the story out and makes it clear how undeniably true – and boss – it is.

According to the comment, the decision to switch to Windows came at an Apple board meeting where posts by “MacRumors alumni” were read out loud and “largely agreed with”, prompting Steve Jobs to pick up the phone and call Bill Gates who agreed to delay Windows Vista until January so the announcements could be made at the same time.

So, don’t blame Microsoft for Vista being so late.

Puh-leeze.

As if.

Don’t go there, girlfriend.

What the post doesn’t say and Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been able to confirm is that Jobs then picked up a magical phone and called the following individuals and received their approval on the deal:

  • Ray Ozzie
  • The ghost of Amelia Earhart
  • The Easter Bunny
  • Santa
  • Aslan
  • Waldo

While the migration plan is all but assured, Crazy Apple Rumors Sites sources have forwarded a diagram detailing another proposed Macintosh platform of the future that is said to be as equally likely as that described by “Sharp” and is being presented as a last-ditch alternative by certain anti-Microsoft elements within Apple.

Apple would not comment officially for this story, other than to confirm that it is switching to Windows.

Apple Payroll Really Sick Of Administering Jobs' $1 Salary.

Sources within Apple’s payroll department indicate they are sick and tired of administering CEO Steve Jobs’ $1 salary and wish he’d “just get a fricking real salary already.”

Jobs has famously taken just a $1 per year salary while reaping great rewards in other forms of compensation, including a personal airplane. This allows the mercurial CEO to claim the high road by repeatedly pointing out that his compensation is exclusively performance-based.

But payroll administrator Beth Lao claims that Jobs’ $1 salary actually costs the company about $10, 00 extra a year to administer.

For example, as Apple is on a bi-weekly pay schedule, Lao is forced to divide Jobs’ $1 salary by 26 and then apply any taxes.

“You know, it’s a fucking bitch trying to figure the FICA on 4 cents,” Lao said.

“And, of course, to make it come out to exactly $1, it’s not 4 cents every pay period. It’s 4 cents for 22 pay periods and then 3 cents for the other four. And Steve doesn’t want the four 3-cent pay periods to come all together, he wants them to come each at the end of a quarter.

“What a jackass.”

Further, Jobs must be taken out of the normal salary review process as he does not receive any cost of living increases and certainly not any market adjustments.

“There’s no field for that!” Lao shouted at the SAP salary administration screen shown on her computer. “He’s going to pop up every month and i’m going to have to put in a salary adjustment and then back it out! Mother fu…”

Lao has repeatedly asked her manager, Darren Pinales, why Jobs cannot simply be paid $10,000 a year and then donate the net of taxes to charity. Pinales has responded that if Lao would like to ask Jobs herself personally, he would be glad to fill out her termination notice.