Apple To Announce "Fun" New Products Next Week.

Reports today indicate that Apple is set to announce some “fun new products” next week. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed these reports and, further, learned what these products will be.

In an interview on the Apple campus today, Apple head of hardware engineering Peter Mehring was remarkably forthcoming.

Displaying a table full of new products, Mehring walked through each, explaining it at detail.

He may have been drinking.

“This one’s a paddle with a rubber string with a ball on the end!” he said, visibly excited. “I, personally, cannot get enough of this thing! Ha-ha!”

Mehring picked up the paddle game and attempted to demonstrate but was unable to make contact.

“Dammit.

“Here, let me try again.

Dammit!

Putting the paddle back down, Mehring said “Well, you get the idea. Loads of fun. People are really going to like that one.”

Moving on, Mehring described a paper-based system where users enter types of words – nouns, verbs, etc. – at random into stories often with hilarious results and something remarkably similar to Lawn Darts.

Asked if Apple – already the target of numerous class action lawsuits – was concerned about the potential for litigation, Mehring insisted that these products were “fun” and that anyone not having “fun” with them would be voiding their warranty.

No post today

Today is the day when we here in the States celebrate our favorite dead presidents.

Harrison Ford and David Palmer.

Wait, that’s not right.

Harrison Ford’s not dead.

Still, he was a great president in Air Force One. And, to all you kiddies out there, in the real Star Wars, Han Solo shot Greedo before Greedo inexplicably fires over his fricking shoulder. I mean, how stupid is that? Greedo’s a fricking bounty hunter and he shoots like three feet over Solo’s shoulder.

Lucas is such a wanker.

That’s why we don’t celebrate him today.

Well…

Anyway…

No post today.

I dunno.

What do you think?

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: Hi! [munch-munch]
A: Uh, hi!
Q: Mmmf. Yeah. Hang on a sec. [munch-munch] I’m eatin’ bacon!
A: Wha… oh. Well. OK!
Q: Yeah! Let me just get through this. [munch-munch]
A: Uh… sure. I guess.
Q: Just take a sec. [munch-munch] Mmm. [munch-munch]
A: OK, but… you’re just shoving more into your face.
Q: Well, I got a lot of bacon to go through.
A: Well, why don’t you call back when you’re done.
Q: What?! It’s just a couple dozen rashers of bacon!
A: Uh… I’m gonna move on.
Q: Oh, man!


Q: Wait, there’s bacon?
A: What? No… I mean, that guy…
Q: Well, if he’s getting bacon, I want some bacon.
A: But… I’m not giving out the bacon. He just had his own bacon. And because he was eating it, he couldn’t ask his question.
Q: So… I can ask my question… or I could go out and get some bacon.
A: That’s right.
Q: …
A: Uh…
Q: …
A: Hello?
Q: …
A: Hmm. Well, I’m not sure I blame him.


Q: OK! I’m back! Whew! I finished ’em! 24 rashers of bacon! Ha-ha! Oooh, man, that was good.
A: OK, well, what’s your question?
Q: Well, I’m thinking about getting a Mac mini to use as a media hub to play music and connect to my TV to play shows downloaded from iTunes. I’m concerned about the [mmph] graphics card, though. [mmph] – excuse me – Is the graphics card in the Mac mini good enough for watching iTunes [mmph] video at high quality?
A: Wait… are you eating something again?
Q: Just pudding.
A: Pudding?! You follow up bacon with pudding?
Q: No! C’mon. I had stick of butter in between.
A: You… you don’t get to ask a question.
Q: Oh, don’t be like that. C’mon, I have more pudding.

Amazon Challenges Apple.

While many news outlets reported today a rumor that Amazon may challenge Apple’s online music store, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has issued a challenge of a different kind.

In a personal email, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos challenged Apple CEO Steve Jobs to a fight to determine who would own the online market for music sales.

According to an email forwarded to CARS, Bezos said Jobs could pick from the following list of contests:

  • A slap fight, the winner to be determined by who falls on the floor, curls up in a ball and shrieks “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” like a little girl first.
  • A drinking game based on watching Olympic ice skating. Jobs and Bezos will drink once every time someone mentions the new scoring system, twice every time a US skater falls. Last man conscious wins.
  • Hitting each other on the head with gigantic hammers until one of them passes out.
  • A greased, homo-erotic wrestling match in the semi-nude.

According to sources close to Jobs, upon reading the email the Apple CEO likened it to being challenged to fight for the right to eat his lunch, which he already brought to work in a brown paper bag with “Steve” written on it with an El Marko.

“It’s already my lunch,” Jobs reportedly noted. “Why would I agree to fight for it?

“How many times do I have to put up with this crap?” Jobs reportedly asked. “‘Microsoft to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Google to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Amazon to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Army of Brazilian Hitler clones to challenge iTunes.’

“Call me when you’ve got more than a million subscribers for your brilliant subscription-based service. There’s a great idea. Those have already worked so well.

“Uh, also call me when you’ve cloned a million Hitlers. It’d probably be good to know if that happens too.”

Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers.

The Macintosh community was devastated to learn today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein was devoured by beavers.

According to sources, the Apple executive was sitting quietly in his office when approximately a dozen vicious, killer beavers entered and completely consumed him.

“All I could see was Jon flailing his arms as he went down behind the desk,” said Rubinstein’s assistant, Rob Sanders. “Then there was this gnawing sound and those tails… flapping in the air…

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget those horrible tails.”

A visibly shaken Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook was uncertain how the beavers got as far as Rubinstein’s office.

“They apparently signed in and received badges and everything,” Cook said. “We’re going to, um, look into our security procedures.

“Won’t help Jon, though. Poor bastard.”

Other Apple executives were less matter-of-fact than Cook.

“Nooooooo!!!” screamed Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian, falling to his knees and tearing at his shirt. “Johnny! JOHN-NY!!!

“He was just six weeks from retirement! Why is it always the good ones?!”

Cupertino animal control is asking residents to keep an eye out for a gang of roving beavers.