New Apple Product Doomed To Failure.

Apple announced a new product today, which analysts and Mac followers have already judged to be doomed to failure.

“This new Apple product is seriously deficient,” wrote Tristan Fisk of Mac-A-Licious in the web site’s wrap-up of today’s announcements.

“It lacks several key features that our reporting indicated it would have, and is not as feature-full as competing products from other vendors. Apple has missed the boat on this product. It will never sell.

“And, of course, it’s priced too high.”

This phenomenon – currently being played yet again out on web sites throughout the Mac community – has been applied to numerous Apple products since the failure of the Power Macintosh, such as the original iBook, the iPod, the 2002 iMac, the iPod mini, the iMac G5, the original Mac mini, the iPod nano and the video iPod.

“Logicians call this ‘Dvorak’s Razor’,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue.

Also know as Apple Cubism, Pogue said the maxim states that the simplest explanation for any new Apple product is that it will fail.

“It’s also called ‘Lazy Apple Pundit’s Disease’,” Pogue said.

Despite the volume of electronic ink spent upon the subject, it was uncertain if these Apple nay-sayers were talking about the iPod Hi-Fi or the Intel-based Mac mini.

“Actually, I’m not even sure myself,” said Wayne Hesten of Macs-Ahoy, who wrote an entire column on the subject of the certain doom the latest Apple product faced.

“Does it matter?”

Rumor Sites Fail To Step Up.

It is with great sadness that I must take to the keyboard to discuss the current state of the Mac rumor sites.

Some times it as if only this rumor site – the one you’re reading right now – sees what is going on.

Last week, Apple confirmed that it would announce some “fun new products” tomorrow and the rumor community has responded with a dial tone – as if it were asleep at the switch.

So far the most “exciting” rumor is that Apple will announce an iPod boom box. Apple Insider even speculated that the company would release an AIDS awareness iPod.

An AIDS awareness iPod.

Because we all know how much fun AIDS is.

Look, this is pathetic. I’ve never been more ashamed to be part of the Mac rumor community than I am right now. And believe me, over the years there have been more than one opportunity to be really embarrassed.

Like that time Nick de Plume predicted Apple would release iPod socks and Apple did, in fact, release iPod socks. I mean, holy crap, that’s just embarrassing for both Nick and Apple because… you know… iPod socks, fer crissake.

Clearly Apple has challenged us yet again and CARS will not only meet that challenge, but we will beat the living shit out of it with a baseball bat and dump its lifeless corpse in an unmarked grave in the desert for the scorpions to lay their eggs in.

That’s just how we roll.

Scorpions. We roll with scorpions.

Small “s.” Not the… the band…

Anyway, without further ado, let us bring you our prediction for tomorrow’s “fun” announcement.

Ah, there’s the key. “Fun.” What’s “fun”? Yes, many of our many readers will point out that sex is fun (particularly in groups… and with fruits and vegetables), but… sexbots? Apple failed to meet our sexbot challenge 4 years ago and there’s no reason to think that they’re any more up to the task now.

So what else is fun?

Well… monkeys are fun. Monkeys in little hats.

Yes. That’s it. Monkeys in little hats.

Now, we did not come to this decision lightly. There was some concern amongst the CARS staff that monkeys in little hats – while fun! – may be played out. Seriously, you can’t shake a stick without hitting a monkey in a little hat.

But let’s look at the lesson of the iPod. It wasn’t the first MP3 player to the market, but it was the first to take the market to its full potential.

We believe Apple could do the same with monkeys in little hats.

While the concept may seem a little tired now, the MP3 player market – populated by low-capacity flash-based products that broke easily and had difficult-to-use interfaces and smelled badly – seemed tired in the fall of 2001.

Apple could own the market for funny monkeys in little hats. Monkeys in little hats with the legendary Apple ease of use and reputation for quality. People would love that.

So, what’s it going to be, Apple? Are you up to it?

Are you up to…



…little hats?

I hope so, because seeing those little monkeys running around in little hats with Apple logos on them…!!!


Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I just got back from the Apple Store where I picked up a brand new MacBook Pro. I was really jazzed because I had heard that they were shipping with faster processors than planned. But when I got it home, I was really disappointed. Mine, at least, doesn’t have a faster processor.
A: No?
Q: No. As a matter of fact, mine didn’t come with a processor at all.
A: Really? Well… what’s where the processor should be?
Q: Wait. Let me look. Um… looks like ham.
A: Ham?
Q: Ham. I mean… good ham… Black Forest… smoked… but… still… ham.
A: Does it… run?
Q: Um… no.
A: Oh. You should probably take it back, then.
Q: Aw, shoot. Really?
A: Well, yeah. Why not?
Q: It’s just… it’s just that… it came with all this really good rye bread…

Q: Oh, man!
A: What? What?
Q: Oh, man, that is bullshit!
A: What is? What is it?
Q: I just heard that I bought the 999,999,999th song on the iTunes Music Store! And do you know what I got? Do you know what I got?!
A: Um… a grim sense of irony?
Q: Wha…? No! No! I got nothing! Nothing!
A: Well, how do you know it was you? I mean, how could you possibly know that?
Q: They sent me an email!
A: Oh. Oh. That’s just rude.
Q: Yeah! And it’s… got all these little… emoticons…
A: Oooh.
Q: Little… tongue sticking out…
A: You know… does Apple ever… I dunno… strike you as a little strange?
Q: Hmm…

Q: Hey, where can I get me one of those hamMacs? I’m starving.
A: Well, I think that one was probably a fluke. But I know where you can get an iMac with advanced Jell-O technology.
Q: Pff. Jell-O?! That’s not going to fill me up.
A: OK. OK. Well… how about pudding?
Q: Pudding?! Wow! There’s a pudding-based Mac?
A: No. I just have some pudding singles.
Q: Oh. Uh… sure.

Apple Developers Not Taking Trojan Seriously.

In a disturbing sign that Apple faces an uphill battle should OS X be attacked by a more malicious virus, sources indicate that OS X developers at the company are not taking the Oompa-Loompa Trojan seriously.

In fact, Apple developers’ main reaction so far has been to laugh almost uncontrollably at the mere mention of the word “Trojan”. The unfortunate choice of the name “Oompa-Loompa” as a descriptor for this Trojan has only exacerbated the situation.

“Ha-ha!” said developer Chad Latham. “Oompa-Loompa Trojan! That is classic! Heh-heh. Little tiny Trojan. Heh-heh-heh.”

Latham and fellow developer Rob Gregory then did that annoying fingertips-only handshake.

No amount of chastising by senior management has corralled Apple’s juvenile developers.

“Look, I know that the name of this particular kind of malicious application is the same as a condom brand name,” Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian said.

“Wait… what’s a kind of condom?” a snickering Gregory asked.

“Uh… a Trojan,” Tevanian said.

Latham and Gregory burst out laughing.

“Ha-ha! Oh, man, you totally got him to say it!” Latham said.

“Ha-ha-ha!” Gregory laughed. “I know!

Later, a frustrated Tevanian sought to enlist CEO Steve Jobs’ assistance.

“I just don’t know what to do with them, Steve,” Tevanian said. “They won’t take this seriously.”

“They won’t take what seriously?” Jobs asked.

“This Trojan.”

“Ha-ha-ha!” Jobs laughed, doubling over. “Oh, man! Ah-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ahhh, I got you to say it! Ah-heh. Heh-heh.”

Seeing Tevanian’s deadpan reaction, Jobs regained his composure.

“I’m sorry. It’s… um… it’s not funny. Got a problem. With that… that… thing.”

Apple may bring in a high school guidance biology teacher to talk to its developers.

Internet Abstinence Group Targets Mac Users.

After recent news reports of a OS X worm and a Safari security flaw have made the rounds, a number of young Mac users report being contacted by a youth group advocating Internet abstinence as the best method of staying safe from such problems.

According to a pamphlet put out by the group, the Internet Abstinence Alliance promotes keeping computers off the Internet, ostensibly to prevent the spread of malicious software.

At an outreach session sponsored by her group, 19-year-old Internet Abstinence Alliance coordinator Mary Macmillan said that the Internet is a filthy place that people should avoid at all costs.

Macmillan said “The only true way to be safe from viruses and worms and malware and hackers and men who treat you nice until you let them into your ‘special gift’ and you suddenly realize they just want to grope you and paw at you and do all kinds of unspeakable things to you… some of them in places that I didn’t even think were possible… I mean… there’s not a lot of room in the back seat of a 1978 Honda Civic… you have to hitch your leg up over the seat and push it against the window and then brace your upper body using the stick shift. The whole thing’s not easy, particularly if there are more than three of you in the car. Not to mention any farm animals. And he said not to mention the farm animals because that would be an extra five years.”

Noticing the horrified expression on the faces of her fellow Internet Abstinence Alliance members, Macmillan cut her description short.

“Well. That’s what I hear, anyway.”

Macmillan said that few Mac users have responded to the Internet Abstinence Alliance’s outreach program, which sources said invariably degenerates into an anti-smut diatribe.

“Mac users are filthy perverts for the most part,” Macmillan said.

This comment prompted most of the attending Mac users to get up and leave.

“Perverts!” Macmillan yelled after them.

Now seated alone in the middle of about 20 folding chairs, Macworld magazine’s Peter Cohen raised his hand.

“Um… someone said there were going to be cookies.”