Month: April 2006

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.

Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!

Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.

Apple Releases New Boot Loader.

Apple Computer today released Tour of Duty, which the company is billing as a successor to its Boot Camp software. According to a press release, Tour of Duty allows users to install and operate Mac OS X on a Macintosh computer.

While Boot Camp provides the necessary modifications to boot loading procedures on Intel-based Macs to handle Windows XP Service Pack 2’s installation and booting, Tour of Duty apparently just installs Mac OS X 10.4 Tiger.

“We saw so much interest in Boot Camp that this was the next logical move,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller. “Tour of Duty builds on Boot Camp by allowing a Mac owner to install the OS X operating system on their Intel-based Macs.

“We’re thrilled to be able to provided this advanced capability to our more technologically-savvy customers.”

Schiller did not explain why users would want a special boot loader for an operating system that comes pre-installed on their Mac.

For Mac owners with Mac OS X installed, Tour of Duty takes twice as long to install and produces strange text-only screens of prompts, but when the process is completed Tiger boots just as it always does.

“Just as our big kitty theme worked for OS X, we’re planning a whole military theme for these special boot loaders,” Schiller said. “Next is Clusterfuck, which will install several versions of Linux and BSD simultaneously, followed by Quagmire, which will allow Windows Vista to run.

“Should it ever be released. They’re kinda… behind… a bit…

“In the seemingly unlikely event that we live long enough to see Microsoft release later operating system updates, we’ll be there with Senseless Violent Reprisal Against Civilians and Disorganized Retreat.”

Tour of Duty is available as a free download to all customers who have registered with Selective Service.

Jobs Announces Special Event In His Pants.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced today that a special event will take place in his pants on April 25th.

Since moving away from holding major announcements until Macworld trade shows, Apple has relied on special events to reveal products such as the iPod and the iTunes Music Store.

Rumors are running rampant about what Jobs might announce and how it relates to his pants or the contents thereof.

“I envision some sort of groinal sound system for your iPod, said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “Something with a lot of bass that really reverberates.

“You’d put it on just like a cup but it would have a soft cotton undergarment that you can remove and wash as needed. In order to avoid having to make multiple hardware sizes, the sound system itself would be worn with adjustable velcro straps and they’d just sell the undergarment in different sizes, in 5 or 10-packs. Possibly even in different colors like the iPod socks. This would also be a great opportunity for third parties to provide linings in different materials – silk, velour, rubber, leather… whatever.

Pogue admitted “I’ve been thinking about this a lot.”

Other analysts have speculated that Jobs’ event may be more of a personal nature.

“I think he’s going to make an executive adjustment,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg.

“You know… shift some things around.

“He may not be comfortable with the way things are.

“He may want to get his sausage and peppers in order.”

After an uncomfortable silence, Mossberg said “You know I said ‘personnel’ not ‘personal’, right?”

Jobs himself has been mum on the subject of the special event in his pants, but has been seen playing excessive amounts of “pocket pool.”

Developers To Mac Users: "Just Boot Into Windows."

As many pundits and members of the Mac community feared, Apple’s decision to allow dual booting of Macs into Windows has caused all OS X developers to abandon the platform. Across the board, developers are telling those who find the OS X environment infinitely more appealing: “Just boot into Windows.”

“This is exactly as I feared, said Jerry Kindall. “This move to Intel has been the death knell for Apple. Developers have no reason to develop for the Mac when they can easily tell users to spend several minutes rebooting into a crappier operating system that they hate to use.

“It just makes good business sense.”

Experts expect that, at the rate developers are telling users to “just boot into Windows”, within three years the only reason to boot into Mac OS X will be to move some files around with the Finder, play Chess and enjoy brushed metal interfaces.

The situation is so bad that even developers whose applications are OS X-only are telling users to “just boot into Windows.”

“I don’t know why I did it,” said Brent Simmons, developer of NetNewsWire. “I don’t even make a Windows version. What would my customers do after they boot into Windows? Use someone else’s application? Guess I’d better get working on a Windows port.

“You know, I keep thinking there was some reason I decided to develop for the Mac instead of Windows but I just can’t seem to remember what it was…”

Developers have also asked that Mac users hit themselves over the head with a ball peen hammer for no apparent purpose.

Apple To Offer Other OS Choices.

After last week’s blockbuster announcement that Apple would support dual-booting of Intel-based Macs into Windows, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company does not intend to stop there.

According to sources, Apple’s new policy will be that Mac owners are free to use whatever sucky-assed operating system they feel like, including:

  • Windows
  • Linux
  • OS 9
  • Be
  • OS 2
  • DOS
  • Whatever they use to run voting machines*
  • The Slavi OS, an operating system themed after popular Bulgarian entertainer Slavi.
  • He’s sort of like a Bulgarian Ed Sullivan.

In fact, the only operating system the company won’t allow users to run is the AmigaOS because it’s so fricking boss.

“Pardon the pun,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “but if you want to poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick, it’s no skin off my apple.”

Some believe that Apple is simply supremely confident that its OS is so superior that users will quickly learn who is, in fact, their daddy.

“Apple provides the best user environment available,” said Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet. “There’s really no reason to use anything else.

“But if you want to run Windows CE on your Mac mini and rub broken glass in your eyes and shove ticks in your ears while putting chili oil in that paper cut…

“Hey, knock yourself out.”

* Turns out that’s Windows again.