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Steve Jobs recently attended a Cupertino city council meeting to announce Apple’s plan to build a second campus. While the San Jose Mercury News provided a transcript of the meeting, several key passages were redacted for political purposes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site operatives have obtained the redacted passages and we provided them on this edition of… Inside Apple. JOBS: Well, now that you’ve seen the plans for our campus and the four-mile long take-off ramp for the space ark, I’ll throw the floor open to any questions you might have. COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Steve, is it true there’s going to be a water-flume ride and a gigantic cage that you’ll fill with mutants from the Forbidden Zone so you can watch them battle to the death for your amusement? JOBS: That is… no. Absolutely not. I heard that that was reported on some rumor sites but that is categorically false. Let me say this in the strongest possible terms: there will be no water-flume ride. We’ve got enough lawsuits without putting our employees in that kind of danger. COUNCIL MEMBER 1: What about the gigantic… JOBS: Next question, please. COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Steve, over the years there have been a lot of complaints from residents about weird goings on at the Apple campus… strange people coming and going… some of them Newton users… COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting! COUNCIL MEMBER 2: …loud jungle music… demon gods… goats… what have you. What assurances can you give us that adding a second Apple campus won’t just exacerbate the problem? JOBS: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s the midnight human sacrifices you’re talking about, right? COUNCIL MEMBER 2: The… what? COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting! COUNCIL MEMBER 2: I had no idea… JOBS: Uhhh… perhaps I’ve said too much. But to answer your question, this new campus will be surrounded by a 150-foot soundproof wall mounted with laser cannons and around that will be a moat filled with amphibious evil goats. COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Amphibious…? COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting! COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Would you stop saying that?! JOBS: Uh, yes, you in the back. GIL AMELIO DIGUISED AS A CUPERTINO CITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Uh, yes, “Steve,” is it? Um, can you comment on rumors that, because you’ll now have two campuses, you’ll need two CEOs? JOBS: Mmm, no. That’s not true. This won’t affect our executive team at all. GIL AMELIO: Dammit. [He exits, tossing his disguise in the trash on his way out.] JOBS: Well, I think that’s it. I’d like to thank you all for your attention and your support over the years and your willingness to allow us to harvest the brains of area residents as part of our new initiative to create Macs that think like humans! COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Wedidwhatnow? COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Wha-what? COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgust… oh, dammit, I did it again. EVIL LOOKING GOAT 1: Baaaaaaahhhhh… GUARD: Ooh. That’s creepy. Apple’s net earnings jumped 41 percent and net income jumped from $290 million to $410 million last quarter. Predictably, however, it was the negatives that analysts chose to dwell on, despite the company’s gains. While Apple beat revenues, analysts noted earnings were below forecast. Guidance was also below forecast as the company expected that the current quarter would be tepid as users waited for new Intel-based Macs to appear. Analysts were also reportedly put off by the continued appearance of an evil-looking goat. “That’s just freaky,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “Freaking goat, man. What is that?” Further disappointing Wall Street, analysts noted that Apple’s OPS has dropped off dramatically as it has failed to make the adjustment to American League pitching and analysts sharply downgraded the firm’s PECOTA. “Apple seems to have fallen out of its comfort zone since moving over from the National League,” said ESPN’s Jim Caple. “It’s swinging at pitches out of the zone and striking out more. If ever there was a candidate for watching more tapes of pitchers it’s Apple. “Plus it needs to resolve some of those lawsuits. That whole thing can’t be good.” In addition to Apple’s trouble at the plate, analysts noted that the company has: Apple declined to comment for this story, but shuffled its feet sullenly and shrugged its shoulders when asked if it was thought that was the best that it could do. With the advent of Burst.com’s lawsuit against Apple, demographers now say that nearly every person in the world is in one way or another a litigant against Apple. Dr. Neil Sawin of the University of Washington said “So many people are now direct litigants against Apple, but many more are involved in class action suits or are shareholders or employees of companies suing Apple for trademark or copyright violations.” Sawin’s team of researchers has found one individual out of the world’s 6.5 billion people who is not in any way part of a lawsuit against Apple. “He holds no patents, owns no Apple products and has not entered into a previous binding contract with Apple related to the use of copyrighted logos of trade names,” Sawin said. Nuagobe Machungo, an 11-year-old goat herder from Mozamibique, was surprised to hear of his unique status. “I sleep in the hills with my flock,” he added, pointing to the hills as if for emphasis. Disturbingly for Apple, however, Machungo indicated that he was thinking of selling one of his goats to buy an iPod shuffle so he could listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers during the long periods of time he is roaming the hills with the herd, looking for grazing pastures. “I like the song ‘Californication’,” Machungo said, smiling broadly. “Although I do not understand what it means.” Apple declined to comment for this story, but sources inside the company indicate that CEO Steve Jobs is considering giving Machungo a complimentary iPod shuffle in order to stay on his good side. Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do. CLICK HERE TO FIND A REPROGRAMMING CENTER IN YOUR AREA. ACCORDING TO PARTY LEADER PHIL SCHILLER, ALL MAC USERS WILL UNDERGO A VIGOROUS PROGRAM OF CALISTHENICS AND IDEOLOGICAL REINDOCTRINATION – WHICH WILL INCLUDE SHOWING THE CLASSIC “1984” SUPER BOWL AD REPEATEDLY UNTIL ALL SUBVERSIVE THOUGHT IS PURGED FROM THE BODY. THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DETERMINED TO BE A THREAT TO THE GLORIOUS REVOLUTION WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES UNTIL THEY SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS, CONFESS THEIR COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHTS AND SEEK THE ABSOLUTION OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!). USERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO TURN IN THEIR FELLOW USERS WHO MAY HAVE BEEN OBSERVED RUNNING WINDOWS, READING WINDOWS WORLD OR MENTIONING THE NAME “PAUL THURROTT” IN SENTENCES THAT DO NOT ALSO INCLUDE THE WORD “SUCKS.” FOR EACH TRAITOR TO THE REVOLUTION THEY TURN IN, CITIZENS OF THE MAC COMMUNITY WILL BE REWARDED WITH A $1.00 CREDIT AT THE ITUNES MUSIC STORE. THE USER WHO TURNS IN THE MOST COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARIES WILL WIN A SPECIAL EDITION RED IPOD NANO CONTAINING AAC FILES OF THE MACWORLD KEYNOTES OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!). THERE WILL BE A SMALL RECEPTION FOLLOWING THE REPROGRAMMING FEATURING ASSORTED FRUITS AND CHEESES AND A CASH BAR. USERS WITHOUT CORRECT CHANGE WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES AGAIN. AFTER THE RECEPTION, USERS FOUND TO HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO WINDOWS WILL BE SENT FOR FURTHER INDOCTRINATION IN THE EDUCATION MARKET WHERE THEY WILL BE FORCED TO MAINTAIN IBOOKS FOR GRADE SCHOOLERS UNTIL THEY EXPRESS BOUNDLESS FAITH IN OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!). USERS NOT REPORTING TO THEIR DESIGNATED REPROGRAMMING CENTER MAY BE SUBJECT TO DIRECT INTERVENTION FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY MACINTOSH USERS GUARD.Inside Apple
Apple Issues Quarterly Report.
One Person Left Who Hasn't Sued Apple.
Speaking through a translator, Machungo, clearly surprised at his sudden notoriety, said “I am but a simple goat herder. I do not mean anyone any harm.ATTENTION: ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR REPROGRAMMING.
Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.
Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!
Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.
DUE TO THE POTENTIAL THREAT OF SUBVERSION BY COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHT PRESENTED BY DUAL-BOOTING INTO WINDOWS USING BOOT CAMP, OUR DEAR LEADER STEVE JOBS (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!) HAS ORDERED THAT ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR MANDATORY REPROGRAMMING.