Month: January 2007

Analysts Downgraded Apple On Second Quarter Outlook.

Despite Apple’s exceptional first quarter results which the company announced yesterday, its stock was down over five points today as analysts took a skeptical outlook on the second quarter.

While analysts were mostly just dubious that Apple could continue to sell 500 million iPods a quarter, the fact that the company’s second quarter guidance included plans to spend spring break “going wild” in Ft. Lauderdale probably did not help.

“In a twelve week quarter, you can’t afford to lose one whole week getting plastered and having sex with strangers,” said Piper Jaffray’s Gene Munster.

“And it’s not just that week. It’s bound to affect Apple’s performance after that. You don’t wake up with your head on a beer-soaked night stand in a hotel you’re not registered in with your panties around your ankles and then immediately go back to hawking products.

“Well, unless you’re Paris Hilton! Ooh! Boo-yah!”

Apple, however, said that it had worked hard all semester and deserved to “blow off a little steam.”

“It’s not easy selling 900 million iPods,” the company said, “And if I want to reward myself by entering a wet t-shirt contest, making out with other hot chicks on camera and throwing up on in the back of a police van, that’s my decision!”

Several analysts downgraded Apple today from “outperform” to “slut.”

Apple Reports Exceptional First Quarter Results.

Apple issued its first quarter financial results today, announcing that it had set a record profit of $1 billion.

The announcement shattered windows throughout Cupertino as the company accelerated at an ever increasing rate, now headed inexorably toward infinite profitability.

Physicists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories expressed their concern that the company was out of control, hurtling toward a theoretical threshold, the breaking of which might have vast implications in physics and accounting.

“The billion dollar threshold was the last thing holding them back!” exclaimed a visibly agitated Dr. Russell Springer.

“We have no idea what might happen if Apple breaks the infinite profitability barrier. Steve Jobs could be imbued with vast telekinetic powers or every spreadsheet on the planet could explode outward, destroying our system of corporate valuation in a planetary conflagration of flaming numbers.

“Either way, this is gonna be really boss! I can’t wait! Jerry’s in the break room microwaving some popcorn right now!”

Sources in Cupertino report that an impenetrable field of anti-protons has surrounded the Apple campus, preventing entrance or egress but protecting the company as it began its acceleration phase.

Sources also noted that “egress” is a cool word that doesn’t get used enough.

Apple declined to comment for this story but was heard to yell “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” shortly before there was a loud popping sound.

George Ou Receives Apple Community Wedgie.

With the drama of the Apple iPhone announcement at Macworld Expo last week, another notable event sadly went relatively unnoticed.

ZDNet blogger George Ou, who visited the expo exhibit floor, was bestowed a richly deserved wedgie by the Apple Community.

Ou is the second person to receive the highly coveted Apple Community Wedgie, the first having been delivered to Michael Dell in 2001.

“The Wedgie recognizes an individual who has gone above and beyond the call of jackassitude in his or her relationship with the Apple community,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “George was this year’s recipient for his paranoid ranting about Apple’s supposedly orchestrated smear campaign against David Maynor and Jon Ellch and his many invocations of Artie MacStrawman.

“Kudos to you, George. Well done.”

Once Ou was spotted on the showroom floor, Gruber and Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz discussed delivering the wedgie themselves, but eventually decided the job would best be handled by Fake Steve and the Macalope, in case there was any resulting litigation.

Ou may have had the last laugh, however, as he said shortly after the wedgie-ing that he liked a “snug fit” anyway and did not intend to make any “adjustments.”

“I’m good,” Ou said, running a hand across his waistband.

Indeed, those who know Ou indicated that his pants are always hiked up extraordinarily high, his belt well above his navel.

Apple declined to comment for this story and asked, again, that we stop calling.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s been a long week for us, so we’ll just take some quick questions about the hardware announced at the Macworld keynote.

Q: The iPhone uses GSM and not CDMA, despite the fact that CDMA is clearly a better technology. Why?

A: Steve Jobs loves simplicity and GSM has one fewer letter. Although, if one of them had an “i” in front of it, he would have picked that one because he loves style above all else. Except meth. He’s addicted to the meth. Next question.

Q: Why Cingular? Cingular ran over my dog and stole my lunch money. They said it was for data services, but I was going to buy some tater tots with it. Anyway, I hate Cingular.

A: All cell service providers are evil, lying sacks of alien pus who would rather suck us bone-dry of our precious bodily fluids than make our service experience pleasant. There are no good answers here and anyone in the comments who says “I love T-Mobile!” or some shit is a lying jackass or so jacked up on meth that they’re actually dialing on a Sesame Street phone and thinking they’re gettin’ great reception when they’re talkin’ to Elmo. The real answer is that Steve probably already used Cingular and didn’t want to switch.

Q: What the hell is the deal with Cingular CEO Stan Sigman? He read his keynote speech from index cards! Index cards! And he was wearing a Cingular blazer! What the hell is this, 1968?! Who are these people?!

A: Stan Sigman is president and chief executive officer of Cingular Wireless, the nation’s leading wireless carrier. He is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operations. Stan is an avid golfer and is known to his friends as “Stan” and sometimes “Stan the man.” Stan enjoys white bread, mayonnaise and long walks in the rain with his accountant, Herb Grossman, as they discuss Stan’s return for the current fiscal year. Stan is a Pisces and is allergic to shellfish.

Q: The Appletv is teh suck. It doesn’t even do HD. And I can’t download movies from it – I have to use my PC. My PlayStation is totally better. Hell, NetFlix is better.

A: Yeah. Or you and your jackass friends could just act out the scenes ad naseum! Oh, wait, that’s right… you already do! It’s no wonder none of you ever get laid. How many chicks do you think like to watch you and Branson do that scene from Starship Troopers? Here’s a hint: zero. Besides, your entire collection is on Beta, so what the hell are you talking about? How did you even do that anyway?

Q: I have a tape-to-tape! And Beta’s a superior format!

A: Next.

Q: I have a Blue & White G3 tower. Can I use that to stream video to…

A: Oh, give it up, Gordy.

Apple Community to Apple: This Relationship Is Smothering Us.

While most Apple fans heralded the coming of the iPhone, its announcement has prompted many in the community to wonder if Apple is starting to expect too much from us.

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life said “First they asked me to love the Mac and I did. Then they asked me to love the iPod. So, yeah, sure, OK, I love the iPod.

“Now I have to love the iPhone? What’s next? Are they going to get a cat? I hate cats. And then they want me to meet their parents and then they want to move in with me.”

Others in the community echoed King’s concerns about where this relationship is going.

“Everything was going along just fine and then Steve starts getting all weepy,” said MacCentral’s Jim Dalrymple. “I hate it when you get into a relationship with someone and all of a sudden, out of fricking nowhere, they get all weepy on you. What a bunch of emotional blackmail crap. He’s just trying to manipulate me and I’m not playing along with these psycho mind games.”

Dalrymple paused for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Steve. I’m just… I’m just dealing with some shit of my own right now. I’m sorry. I’ll buy an iPhone. Just… stop crying. OK?”

The Apple community expressed surprise at the company’s recent turn toward clinginess and had wondered aloud if maybe it was time for it to just be apart from the company for a little while.

Then, however, it got drunk, went on a late-night shopping spree at the Apple Store and woke up the next to senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson.