Macworld Only Now Ending For Some.

Sources close to Cingular CEO Stan Sigman indicate the 62-year-old executive has just now finished his Macworld keynote speech.

Despite leaving the stage after delivering his clumsy summation of the comments already delivered by Apple CEO Steve Jobs, platitudes about how great Cingular is and veiled FU’s to other cell companies, Sigman was apparently only getting rolling. He has been continuing to deliver his speech ever since.

“We went out to lunch after the keynote,” said Apple marketing executive Stan Ng. “and he just kept shuffling through those same cards. Sitting there in Sushi Ran in that dorky Cingular blazer. It was like he was stuck in a loop.”

Indeed, several Macworld attendees say that they heard Sigman as he was ushered off the Moscone Center stage still monotonically saying “At AT&T, we respect the synergy and the effluvents with which it was founded and with Apple as a partner and AT&T, which Cingular, the greatest company ever, with Apple, the partner, and the iPhone, the great kind of products that this company, Apple, AT&T, the partners…”

Cingular sources at the company headquarters say Sigman finally wore through his cards early this afternoon.

“He just sat there, like he had no idea what to do,” said Cingular chief operating officer Ralph de la Vega. “He tried to piece the cards back together but they were just shreds.

“He looked lost for a while and then he saw a squirrel and started chasing it.”

Apple sources said that steps were being taken to more carefully vet the guest speeches to be delivered for unbelievable boredom and pointless redundancy.

A point of clarification

Computerworld has republished Macworld magazine’s the Apple Year in Preview with a date of January 24th and I’d just like to point out that it actually first ran on Macworld’s web site on January 3rdbefore the keynote – and that Chris Breen, Adam Engst, John Gruber, Andy Ihnatko and I actually had to write our predictions back in November since it also appeared in the print copy of Macworld.

Why do I bring this up?

Question one.

What will be the most significant new hardware to appear in 2007?

Moltz: The Apple iPhone, as it will have only one button.

Of course, this will come as no surprise to our loyal readers who already tune in to Crazy Apple Rumors Site for its accurate and timely reporting.

Apple Announces iPhone Follow-Up Product.

The first follow-up product to the not-yet-shipping iPhone was announced in a surprise special Apple presentation today in Cupertino.

“The iDream will provide 1000 hours of full-motion, 7.1 Dolby surround dreams with the quality you expect from Apple, Pixar, and Disney,” CEO Steve Jobs said.

Furthering their success in making Mac OS X into an embedded operating system that can run a mobile phone, a wireless base station, and a media translation system, iDream ports the OS X into neurochemical structures in the human nervous system that mimic computer processors.

“With iDream, we have fulfilled our vision of bringing the best experience, with 7.1 Dolby surround sound, to the true center of our digital lives: the brain,” said Jobs.

Jobs detailed his long-held belief that the human brain provides a substandard user experience and that Apple was uniquely positioned to take a leadership position in this highly fractured market.

“Each person has his own unique human experience,” Jobs noted. “That’s incredibly inefficient.”

He then closed his eyes for 10 seconds, opened them, and said, “Boom. There. I was just in Maui with Jennifer fricking Connelly. It was awesome. And now everyone can have the same experience.”

The iDream uses the wetware capacity of the brain to store up to 75 petabytes of information using the holographic, standing-wave structure of neuronic activity. Additional storage may be obtained by using the new BUID disk format to repartition a brain to store fewer unnecessary or unwanted memories – like that time you asked Kim Karcher if she wanted to go to the 9th grade dance and she laughed so hard Crystal Pepsi came out her nose – and by using thorough compression.

Jobs mentioned the movie Johnny Mnemonic as an example of this methodology, but no one in the audience would admit to having seen it, although several shuffled uncomfortably in their seats.

Apple expects to deliver iDream as a rapid-fire series of frightening images, static, and JavaScript via any WebKit-based browser and possibly later in the form of a red pill.

Apple Community Hails Improvement in Quality of Technology Industry Discourse.

In an event that has been hailed throughout the Apple community, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, technology columnist John Dvorak and Rob Enderle [EDITOR’S NOTE: Whatever he is. He can’t be a consultant, right? I mean who would pay for that? Fish? Is he a fish? What the hell is he? Beats the hell out of me. I know “mammal” isn’t right. Let’s just say he’s a fish.] have all somehow managed to get their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe in North Dakota.

Farmer Randall McKay witnessed the event and recounted it while standing a safe distance away from the scene, his breath fogging in the cold air.

“I seen Enderle there walk by first. He seemed headed straight across the field at first but then saw the spigot I use ta do the waterin’. Not sure why he decided ta lick it. No explanin’ a technology jerk.”

McKay said Ballmer stumbled by next and became likewise ensnared and was followed shortly thereafter by Dvorak.

“I meant ta take that pipe outta there,” said McKay, “after one o’ Jedd Clawson’s cows got stuck ta it last year. Ya never heard so much painful mooin’. Well, until now, a-course.”

Despite the bizarre sight of three big names in the technology world mooing woefully, their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe, McKay took it in stride.

“Not a lot o’ people know this, but this is where technology jerks come from. And they always come back, usually to breed. Or, in the case o’ Enderle there, to spawn. They don’t come to do that until spring a-course when the trophy wives are in heat, but sometimes the vast open prairie beckons them with its siren’s song.

“Or, other times city folk’ll drive ’em out here and just shove ’em outta the car.”

Sheriff and animal control warden Dave Rohrbacker arrived to assess the situation.

“Clearly we’re not dealing with bright animals, here,” said Rohrbacker.

“We could just rip them off the pipe, but there’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded technology jerk.

“Except, of course, for a bear. Or a badger. Or a… poodle. Or… well, OK, there’s a lot of things more dangerous. But few more annoying.

“It’s a pity, but we might have to euthanize them.”

Rohrbacker headed back to his patrol car, which sported a sticker that read “NDMUG”, to get his shotgun.

No post for tonight

Well, we were going to post something, but reality interfered.

And it was totally weird because, as you can imagine, reality isn’t something we see a lot of here at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters. And we were like, reality! Yo! What’s up?!

As it turned out, reality was pissed. I dunno. Maybe because we’ve been dodging her for so long.

Anyway, reality rode us like a Schwin all afternoon and we didn’t have time to put the finishing touches on that 8-part series on illegal cock-fighting rings inside Apple.

We’ll get to that next week…

Whoops. No we won’t. Just got a fax from Apple legal.

Darn it. We did a lot of work on that.

Chet even went under cover. He got his ass kicked in a chicken suit numerous times.

On the plus side, Howard and Ugluk made about $500 betting against him. I would have cut myself off a slice of that but our personnel policy expressly forbids managers betting on cock-fights involving their employees dressed up as chickens.

I’m not sure how that got in there. It was a template we got from Oracle. I think they put that in there after some “incidents” in the mid-1990s.

Well, anyway, I don’t think reality’s planning on staying long. We put her in the spare bedroom and the mattress on the pull-out couch is about an inch thick. We’ll see you next week.