No Help Desk

We were totally going to do a Help Desk today, but all the questions were from jackasses who had hacked their iPhones and then bricked them with the 1.1.1 update. And I’m sick of their whiny asses bitching and moaning about how Steve Jobs broke their already busted-ass iPhones.

So, for all you morons who tried to update your jacked up iPhones that you screwed up despite Uncle Steve’s clear instructions not to fuck with them because you were messing with powers beyond mortal ken

Eat it.

You heard me. Lick my area. You’re on your own, suckers.

And I totally know how to fix them, too, so you should know that I’m just holding back this information because you’re the reason we can’t have nice things.

Oh, yes I do. I do know how to fix them. Totally.


No, I said I’m not telling you. What part of “lick my area” don’t you understand?

No way.

Fuck you.

No, don’t be an idiot. You’re not going to fix it like that.

Well, that’s fine, then. Go ahead and try that, princess, and tell me how well that works. You’ll brick your iPhone even worse and you’ll never get it back.


OK. OK. Stop crying. Stop. Just stop it.

Fricking baby.

Look, you just hold down the home button, stick a #2 pencil in the ear phone jack, hold it up in the air and say three times “ALLA-WOZ-A-NEWTON!” And then yell “PERFORMA!”

Oh, and cut a goat right before you yell “PERFORMA!” Preferably a white one.

And then hold the power switch down and it’ll restart. And go wash your hands because… goat blood… icky.

Totally. That will totally work. I think I got it off the Ars Technica forums.

Apple Updates iPhone.

Apple released the iPhone update 1.1.1 which added several key features – most notably the iTunes WiFi Store – but also removed some hacks.

While hackers complained about Apple’s attempts to “keep them down”, some users expressed surprise at the update status messages that appear as the iPhone is updated. Users reported seeing the following messages as they attempted to jank up their iPhones with the latest Apple digital love.

Extracting software…

Preparing iPhone for software update…

Deleting that hacker shit you installed on our beautiful, pristine hardware. You know what? Each time someone jailbreaks an iPhone, Steve dies a little inside. Are you happy now? Are you?!

Updating iPhone software…

Updating iPhone firmware…

I see you have an entry in the Weather app for Trenton. Um… Trenton. Pshew. It’s just… Well, OK.

Verifying iPhone update…

Wait a minute…

“Who Let The Dogs Out”? You have “Who Let The Dogs Out”? Dude, this is an 8 GB phone. I mean, maybe on a 160 GB iPod classic, but what is this, 2000? What’s that all about?

I’m starting to be a little concerned that you don’t deserve an iPhone. No, seriously. We put a lot of effort into these things and we’re not about to see you crap them up.

Well, we should just brick this thing but we’re going to let it pass this one time…

Wha-what the hell is this?! Creed?! You have Creed on here? Oh, you’re bricked, buddy. You’re so bricked.

Other users reported trouble with the Spin Doctors and downloaded episodes of anything with Bob Saget.

No post tonight!

It’s been a while since the CARS gang’s been together, so I’m calling for a game party tonight.



What’s that?!

No way, man.


That’s right, beeotches! Masako’s got her fleet of vintage Macs, I’ve got the beer and the Entity/Jennifer fricking Connelly has the bag of chips! We are ready to lock, load and kick some Pfhor ass! We’re kickin’ it old school and rebootin’ frequently! We’re sortin’ our System extensions into groups and restartin’ with extreme prejudice! We’re enjoyin’ low res graphics using sprites instead of…

Wait, this sounds like ass. Why are we doing this again?

Oh, right! Marathon! Best! Game! Evah!

Apple Recalls iPods.

In a disappointing setback for Apple’s new line, the company recalled all iPod models today, citing problems with the manufacturing process at the Chinese plants that make them.

According to iPod marketing manager Stan Ng, the primary reason the iPods are being recalled is because they’re smothered in lead.

“Yeah, I don’t have a really good explanation for it,” said Ng. “Kinda slipped by us. Whoops. Uh, sorry for the brain damage! Sorry.

“Whatever you do, don’t put it in your mouth. If you’ve got a toddler or infant, keep them far, far away from them. One lick and they’ll be as dim as a 10-watt bulb.”

Sources that declined to be identified said that high lead content wasn’t the only problem Apple had found with iPods manufactured in Chinese plants. These sources say that Apple has found the following in iPods:

  • Tainted plastics.
  • Tainted flash memory.
  • Tainted dog food.
  • Tainted tiger testicles.
  • The song “Tainted Love”, by Soft Cell.

Apple will be initiating an iPod return program similar to what it conducted for exploding laptop batteries. Users will be sent shipment boxes along with rubber gloves for handling the units. Tainted iPods will be loaded into an Atlas rocket and shot into the sun.

“We, uh, couldn’t think of anything else to do with them,” Ng said. “It’s expensive, but you can’t say it won’t solve the problem.”

Apple said that it has severely chastised its Chinese suppliers. For their part, the suppliers feigned surprise that Apple didn’t want some nice lead in its iPods.

Apple Conducts Loving Intervention With Misguided iPhone Owners.

Apple today conducted an overdue intervention with certain customers who have engaged in a dangerous “lifestyle” of “hacking” their iPhones.

In a lovingly worded press release that clearly comes straight from the heart, Apple stressed that iPhone hackers abusers should step back from the brink… and reevaluate their lives… before it was too late.

Apple has discovered that many of the unauthorized iPhone unlocking programs available on the Internet cause irreparable damage to the iPhone’s software, which will likely result in the modified iPhone becoming permanently inoperable when a future Apple-supplied iPhone software update is installed.


“We care.”

The only question is if the message will be received by its more ungrateful customers.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “We made this beautiful gift for you… and this is how you repay us?

“Please, think of your families. Think of how they feel when they see you jailbreaking your iPhone.

“It’s killing them! How can you be so selfish?!”

Other members of the iPhone user group community attempted to scare iPhone abusers straight.

“If you hack your iPhone,” said the Apple Phone Show‘s Scott Bourne, “you could end up with VD.

“Or in jail. Or lying in a ditch, face down in a pool of your own vomit with your pants around your ankles and…”

Bourne went on for five or ten minutes like that.

Apple insisted that the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step was, oddly, throwing your hacked iPhone out and buying a new clean one.

“It’s better to just start all over,” insisted Schiller.