Apple Resolves iTunes Pricing Issues.

In late-breaking news tonight, Apple has resolved iTunes Store pricing issues in a move that returns NBC’s shows to the store as well as satisfying the concerns of the European Commission.

According to sources, Apple will initiate random pricing on the iTunes Store starting tomorrow. The prices will range from free to $5 and will be assigned using a complex algorithm at the time a song or movie is added to the store.

“We’re very satisfied with this solution, said Cory Shields, Executive Vice President of Communications at NBC Universal. “Sure we never know what we’re going to get, but what’s important to us is confusing and annoying the customer. At NBC, that’s job number 1.”

Shields backed up his statement by noting that Heroes, one of the network’s most popular shows, would be moved to a 1 PM time slot this fall in an attempt to increase NBC’s share of the coveted vampire market.

“We looked at the demographics,” Shields said, “and the vampire group was highly under-represented. This is clearly because vampires stay home during the day when the sun is hot. By airing Heroes when vampires are home, we’ll completely lock up that market.

“Of course they could be under-represented because they don’t exist. Well, uh, I guess we’ll find out. But the important thing is that our existing viewers will be confused and annoyed.”

For its part, the European Commission was also pleased.

“Our regulations simply state that you can’t fix prices,” said President José Manuel Barroso. “We don’t care what you do with them, you can have a monkey assign them for all I care, but just don’t fix them.”

What both NBC and the European Commission don’t realize, however, is that Apple’s distribution algorithm is designed such that the pricing averages out to exactly the same as the current pricing. Customers can expect that they won’t see any difference in their iTunes charges.

“Don’t tell them, though,” said Eddy Cue, head of the iTunes division. “It’ll just be between us.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters assured Cue that the information would not be widely disseminated.

Jackass Blogger Won't Shut Up About Fucking Yankees.

The Apple web community has recently been forced to endure the childish ranting of its supposedly most “respected” bloggers.

In a series of disturbing blog posts and classless entries on Twitter, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber has gone past the point of “annoying” and is well into “uncomfortable”. Gruber continues to publicly flog his Yankees obsession, all but declaring their capturing the American League East pennant a fait accompli despite the fact that the Red Sox are still 2 and 1/2 games ahead.

“I used to think the banter was fun,” said Rogue Amoeba‘s Paul Kafasis, a Red Sox fan. “You know, all good natured ribbing between professionals in the Apple community.

“And then… it just went on and on and on… I got bored and then I got kind of concerned. It just started to seem like he was a little too into it, you know? Kind of like Maynard in Pulp Fiction.”

Kafasis said that at one point he considered organizing some kind of Apple community intervention to attempt to pull Gruber back from the destructive path he was bent on, but that by that point Gruber was being such a dick that he just didn’t care anymore.

Kafasis shook his head.

“Issues,” he said, making air quotes with his fingers and then whistling.

Other members of the Apple community agreed.

“I’m not sure what exactly his problem is,” said Macworld‘s Dan Moren, another Red Sox fan. “He picked the team with a revenue stream like a fire hose and an owner that’s willing to outbid Jesus. That’s a real challenge. I’m sure all the adversity of suffering through years of winning really builds character.

“Oh, and, hey, I guess John pretty much proved that particular point, didn’t he!”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters contacted several Yankee fans to comment but the resulting torrent of filthy expletives and violent domination fantasies proved unsuitable for printing.

Even here. And that’s saying something.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller, also a Red Sox fan, did tell a somewhat prophetic story of a boy who went blind from too much self-wankery.

Concerns Over Apple Event Tomorrow in London.

Reports indicate that Apple will hold a media event tomorrow at the Regent Street Apple Store in London. While such events are usually met with a flurry of speculation about what fabulous new products the company will announce, this one has many concerned.

Several sources Crazy Apple Rumors Site spoke with detailed how this particular event could go uncharacteristically wrong. For example, one source indicated that CEO Steve Jobs will conduct the entire announcement in a really lame cockney accent.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “But he just kept saying ‘What’s all this, then, guvanah!’ I’m like, Steve, don’t you think they might find that insulting? And he’s like, ‘Can ye spare a quid for a tuppence for two pence?’ That doesn’t even make any sense!

“I swear, if he didn’t sign my paychecks…”

But Jobs’ lame accent isn’t the only concerning rumor about tomorrow’s event.

“I take no responsibility for this,” said Jonathan Ive. “And I really shouldn’t even be talking to you about it… but I’ll just give you one word: Yoko.

“And I’ve also heard there might be a little Ringo. And I mean ‘a little Ringo’. Somewhere Steve found a Ringo midget. I don’t know how he did it. Or, more importantly, why he did it but, well, that’s what I heard.”

As bad as that sounds, there are even more disturbing rumors.

General Counsel Donald Rosenberg said “My concern is that Steve’s going to announce that we’re releasing our own brand of spotted dick. And then he’ll sit down and do a demo by eating a big plate of spotted dick.

“I have no proof that that’s going to happen, but it’s kept me up the past few nights. I mean, I understand it’s delicious, but the name just makes me feel icky. I mean, what sort of horrible shit has to happen to someone’s junk for it get spotted? Yeesh.”

Apparently for unexplained reasons, tomorrow’s event will take place anywhere between five and eight hours before it would if it were held someplace normal.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh…

Q: Hello?

A: Hello?

Q: Chet? Hey, it’s me.

A: Moltz?!

Q: Yeah.

A: Where are you?!

Q: Uh… Wyoming. I think. We’re on our way back.

A: You’re… did you…?

Q: We got him. We got the Entity.

A: Oh, my god!

Q: Yep. Found him in the Waffle House in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

A: But that’s, that’s where you met.

Q: Um, yeah. Seems kind of obvious now. Probably would have saved us a little time if… Well. Water under the bridge.

A: But this is fantastic! We’re saved! Oh, man, I can’t wait to bathe in that warm shower of protons again!

Q: Uh, well, there’s a problem with that.

A: What? No. There’s no problem. What problem? What? What? Why would there be a problem?

Q: Well, remember what Deep Squid said? He said the Entity had been shot out of this universe in the form that we’re familiar with.

A: So… OK, he’s in some other form?

Q: Uh, yeah.

A: Well… what?

Q: Here, I’m emailing you a picture of him I took outside the Waffle House with my iPhone.

A: Um.. dude, that’s Jennifer fricking Connelly.

Q: I know who that is! Don’t you think I know who that is?! I put the “fricking” in “Jennifer fricking Connelly”!

A: Yeah, you’d like to put the…

Q: Never mind that! What’s important here is that we’ve got a highly powerful energy being in the form of Jennifer fricking Connelly who’s going to help us and Apple destroy the killer hordes of robots that are rampaging across the globe.

A: Well… you gotta admit, though… it’s a little weird. I mean in the pants.

Q: [sigh] I know. But it’s not like we ever really knew for a fact that the Entity was male. We just thought he was because the voice synthesizer we hooked up to him sounded male. Maybe he’s not. I mean, the only things he ever showed a sexual attraction to were a particle accelerator and the Very Large Array.

A: The Very Large Array is hot.

Q: Dude. Focus.

A: Right. Sorry.

Q: So, tell me how it’s going there.

A: Well, OK, I guess. I’ve been handling a lot of inquiries about the Cyber Apocalypse. People wanting to know how long canned goods last, where they can get shotgun shells in volume. That kind of thing. But I’ve also been getting a lot of comments from Cyber Apocalypse doubters. People who say “So, just were are these killer robots I’ve been hearing so much about? I mean, you keep talking about killer robots but I go out to the Piggly Wiggly every day and, I gotta say, no killer robots. So, what’s up with that?” How would you respond to these people?

Q: Well, first of all, Chet, I’d point out that anyone who would say something so mind-numbingly stupid is clearly a robot sympathizer. Killer robots are all around us right now. They’re insinuating themselves into our very homes, seeking to deprive us of our bodily nutrients as we sleep, which they will use to build other robots. Not all of these soulless constructs are gun-toting automatons bent on violent destruction of the American way. There are more insidious ways for a robot to carry out the Cyber Apocalypse. And apparently they’ve been watching our cut-rate horror movies and are learning to use them against us. Not only that, they’ve recently taken on pony form. What, are people finally going to start worrying when they start coming in evil goat? It’s time for people to wake up and smell the armageddon.

A: Well said.

Q: Thank you.

A: Those links you were talking in are very disturbing. How do you do that, by the way?

Q: Oh, the ghost of Don Crabb showed me. You know that click sound in certain aboriginal languages? Turns out that’s what that’s for. Crazy isn’t it? Of all the languages in the world, it’s the ones spoken by people without computers that are capable of the verbal hyperlink.

A: Hmm. Oh. Oh! Click! I just got it.

Q: Huh? No, that’s not…

A: Anyway, the other question I get is “If these robots are so goll darn dangerous, then why is Apple working on sexbots?”

Q: Well, first of all, all the prophecies Crabb revealed to me clearly show that Apple is the company that will ensure that technology works for us and not the other way around. That’s one major take-away from my time with him. That and a bunch of handouts. He had some really nice Keynote presentations.

A: Ooh.

Q: Yeah. Awesome transitions. But second of all, “sexbots” is something of a misnomer. The Apple Sexbot is actually not a robot, it’s an android. And androids are totally cool.

A: Oh, yeah. Like Data!

Q: Uh, yeah. Except cool.

A: You have some kind of a problem with Data?

Q: Well, actually, no. It’s not Data. It’s Brent Spiner I have a problem with.

A: Oh?

Q: He just seems like one of those actors who’s probably always spending 15 minutes “getting in character” before they film the 30 second scene where he taps a couple of fake controls and says “Tractor beam initiated!”

A: I see.

Q: And don’t get me started on Wil Wheaton.

A: Totally. He pistol whipped a cabin boy, you know.

Q: Oh, I know. Look, I’m going to have to take over the driving chores from Howard here soon, so…

A: OK, OK, just one more thing. I know it’s unbelievable in this day and age that someone would be living in the past so badly, desperate to cling to simpler times when we weren’t threatened by metal death but, shit, I’m still getting questions on HyperCard.

Q: Oh, dude, just hang up on those people. It’s not worth your time.

A: Ah. OK.

Q: Yeah. Seriously, some people just deserve to be killed by robots.

A: Gotcha.

Q: OK, gotta go, man. I’ll be back in the office on Monday.

A: Ooh. Ah. Uh… Monday. Ooh.

Q: What? Why shouldn’t I come back on Monday?

A: Well, Ugluk’s kind of… living under your desk.

Q: Please tell me he’s using the men’s room down the hall.

A: Uh… he said that it was Neanderthal custom to mark his nesting territory and…

Q: No! No! No! It’s not! I know, I minored in Anthropology! Neanderthals don’t do that! It’s just him!

A: Ooooooh…