CARS Staff

17-Inch MacBook Pro Still Stupid Big.

Disturbing reports are coming in from Apple customers who have just purchased the recently released 17-inch MacBook Pro. According to these sources, the new laptop is just as stupid big as the 17-inch PowerBook it’s replacing.

“Apple simply has not corrected the overt stupid bigness of the 17-inch form factor, said Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell. “These laptops are so big as to be effectively unusable. It’s like someone threw up aluminum all over your desk. It’s ridiculous.”

Some sources had indicated that Apple was working on a technology that would have obviated the need to obey the Pythagorean theorem, allowing the company to pack a 17-inch diagonal screen into a 7 X 9-inch laptop on the MacBook Pro line. Apparently, that technology has not come to fruition.

“It’s troublesome that Apple let its customers down like this,” said former San Jose Mercury News columnist and noted Mac user Dan Gillmor. “We expect more from Apple than whining about the laws of mathematics.

“As it is, only the people who currently own 17-inch PowerBooks are going to want to use the 17-inch MacBook Pro,” said Gillmor. “And, sure, the people who were specifically waiting for Intel-based 17-inch Mac laptops. And maybe a couple of hundred thousand other people.

“But, for those of you who haven’t had a chance to lay hands on one of these things, let me just tell you, it is some kinda stupid big.”

According to sources, the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big that it can be easily bent by putting one end into a pair of vice grips and pulling very hard on the other end.

“I bet you can’t do that with a 12-inch iBook,” Snell said.

“Mostly because it’s plastic and it’d probably just snap like a stale cracker. But, still, shouldn’t we as Mac users be able to put our laptops into vice grips and attempt to bend them to no avail?

“I dunno. Maybe it’s just me.”

Apple failed to return numerous inquiries asking why the 17-inch MacBook Pro is so stupid big.

New iPod Sr. VP Now Bucking For Floor Marshal.

Sources indiate that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Tony Fadell is hoping to turn Apple’s decision to build a second Cupertino campus to his advantage. If and when the iPod division moves into new digs, a lot longer to become floor marshals. People who’ve already taken the fire safety class, who know CPR and who – even though it’s not required – brought in their own flash lights.

Pulling out brand new 6 D-cell Maglite, Oppenheimer added “The ones they give you in the floor marshall kit are really crappy.

“And, yes, I’m talking about me. But I think Phil [Schiller]’s also taken the fire safety class.”

CEO Steve Jobs has so far chosen to stay on the sidelines of this particular power struggle as he is already reportedly embroiled in an argument between Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive and Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson over items purchased from the vending machine.

Look for our three-part series entitled “If A Snickers Doesn’t Fall But Then Is Knocked Down By A Baby Ruth, Who Owns The Snickers?”

MUG Member Wants OS 9 On Intel Roadmap.

Sources indicate that Randy Foss of the Stateline Macintosh Users Group has repeatedly asked Apple employees when OS 9 will be available on Intel. Much to the embarrassment of other members of his MUG, Foss simply will not let go of his pipe dream of a cooperative processing operating system without protected memory on Intel-based Macs.

“We all know they have the code, Foss said defiantly. “Ever hear of the Star Trek project? Steve Jobs is just trying to make money by forcing people to buy OS X.”

Ironically, Foss is demanding what some experts believe would be a $100-150 million project so he can retain his $200 investment in a 300 DPI scanner the size of an industrial air conditioner.

Stateline MUG president Ted Egner said “It’s hopeless trying to talk to Randy. He bought that scanner in 1995 and there isn’t an OS X driver for it. He refuses to spend the $75 to buy a new one. He just won’t acknowledge the fact that Apple doesn’t owe him an antiquated operating system on modern hardware.”

Egner said the Stateline MUG bylaws prevented him from expelling Foss.

“You know, we go to a lot of trouble to get Apple employees to come to our meetings and I hate to make them field Randy’s questions. But, sadly, we have to take everyone.”

Foss indicated that even if there were an updated driver for his scanner, he “wouldn’t want to switch away from a proven technology just to be on the bleeding edge.”

Foss also repeated the entirely unsupportable claim that “more and more people are switching back to OS 9 every day.”

“There was a big bank in Missouri that just switched back,” Foss said.

“You’ve been saying that for three years,” fellow MUG member Andy Warchowski said “and you can never produce an article about it.”

“The Apple-friendly media won’t report it!” Foss exclaimed, prompting his fellow MUG members to roll their eyes.

A spokesperson for Apple would only groan loudly when asked about Foss’ demand.

Inside Apple

Steve Jobs recently attended a Cupertino city council meeting to announce Apple’s plan to build a second campus. While the San Jose Mercury News provided a transcript of the meeting, several key passages were redacted for political purposes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site operatives have obtained the redacted passages and we provided them on this edition of… Inside Apple.

JOBS: Well, now that you’ve seen the plans for our campus and the four-mile long take-off ramp for the space ark, I’ll throw the floor open to any questions you might have.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Steve, is it true there’s going to be a water-flume ride and a gigantic cage that you’ll fill with mutants from the Forbidden Zone so you can watch them battle to the death for your amusement?

JOBS: That is… no. Absolutely not. I heard that that was reported on some rumor sites but that is categorically false. Let me say this in the strongest possible terms: there will be no water-flume ride. We’ve got enough lawsuits without putting our employees in that kind of danger.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: What about the gigantic…

JOBS: Next question, please.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Steve, over the years there have been a lot of complaints from residents about weird goings on at the Apple campus… strange people coming and going… some of them Newton users…

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: …loud jungle music… demon gods… goats… what have you. What assurances can you give us that adding a second Apple campus won’t just exacerbate the problem?

JOBS: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s the midnight human sacrifices you’re talking about, right?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: The… what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: I had no idea…

JOBS: Uhhh… perhaps I’ve said too much. But to answer your question, this new campus will be surrounded by a 150-foot soundproof wall mounted with laser cannons and around that will be a moat filled with amphibious evil goats.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Amphibious…?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Would you stop saying that?!

JOBS: Uh, yes, you in the back.

GIL AMELIO DIGUISED AS A CUPERTINO CITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Uh, yes, “Steve,” is it? Um, can you comment on rumors that, because you’ll now have two campuses, you’ll need two CEOs?

JOBS: Mmm, no. That’s not true. This won’t affect our executive team at all.

GIL AMELIO: Dammit. [He exits, tossing his disguise in the trash on his way out.]

JOBS: Well, I think that’s it. I’d like to thank you all for your attention and your support over the years and your willingness to allow us to harvest the brains of area residents as part of our new initiative to create Macs that think like humans!

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Wedidwhatnow?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Wha-what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgust… oh, dammit, I did it again.

EVIL LOOKING GOAT 1: Baaaaaaahhhhh…

GUARD: Ooh. That’s creepy.

Apple Issues Quarterly Report.

Apple’s net earnings jumped 41 percent and net income jumped from $290 million to $410 million last quarter. Predictably, however, it was the negatives that analysts chose to dwell on, despite the company’s gains.

While Apple beat revenues, analysts noted earnings were below forecast. Guidance was also below forecast as the company expected that the current quarter would be tepid as users waited for new Intel-based Macs to appear. Analysts were also reportedly put off by the continued appearance of an evil-looking goat.

“That’s just freaky,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “Freaking goat, man. What is that?”

Further disappointing Wall Street, analysts noted that Apple’s OPS has dropped off dramatically as it has failed to make the adjustment to American League pitching and analysts sharply downgraded the firm’s PECOTA.

“Apple seems to have fallen out of its comfort zone since moving over from the National League,” said ESPN’s Jim Caple. “It’s swinging at pitches out of the zone and striking out more. If ever there was a candidate for watching more tapes of pitchers it’s Apple.

“Plus it needs to resolve some of those lawsuits. That whole thing can’t be good.”

In addition to Apple’s trouble at the plate, analysts noted that the company has:

Refused to clean its plate, despite having been served its favorite meal.
Attempted to parallel park by going in front-first.
Neglected to floss, even the night before a dentist appointment.
Persistently used the word “irregardless.”
Failed to fill out its TPS reports.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but shuffled its feet sullenly and shrugged its shoulders when asked if it was thought that was the best that it could do.