Category: Apple Executives

Reports filed with the SEC show that several Apple executives pulled in salaries of over $1 million last year with the notable exception of CEO Steve Jobs who still makes only $1.

As CFO Peter Oppeneheimer and COO Tim Cook note, while the rich life does have its rewards, it’s not everything.

“As much as I love my boat, my genetically bred talking monkey and my diamond-encrusted diamonds,” said Cook, “I’d give it all up for the richness of simply being Steve Jobs.

“I mean, have you seen Steve’s house? No, of course you haven’t. You’re no one. But I have. It’s serene. Beautiful. Immaculate. He lives a life of stately frugality. He eats only what he needs.”

“He breaths only what he needs,” Oppenheimer added.

“Right. I mean, how else could he survive on a salary of $1 a year?” Cook asked.

However, contrary to Cook and Oppenheimer’s supposed insights into Jobs’ monk-like lifestyle, other sources indicate that Jobs has actually supplemented his $1 income in the following ways.

• Sold his comic book collection and used the proceeds to buy a case of Top Ramen and a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
• When he returned to Apple in 1997, instead of spending his “mad money” for the year, he invested it in government bonds and turned $1,200 into an astounding $1,225.
• Took a second job at the Cupertino Pizza Hut which is kind of humiliating but thanks to his Mercedes SL65 he’s able to maintain a perfect record of delivering pizzas in 30 minutes or less.
• Back in 1973, lifted a mess of quarters from his dad’s dresser. Found them in his pants pocket just last year.

Jobs declined to be interviewed for this story as he had to go meet with his guidance counselor, who thinks he could be applying himself better.

Apple announced today that Avon CEO Andrea Jung would be joining the company’s board as its 8th member and only woman. The move signaled a bold new direction for Apple that is expected to further boost Mac sales and market share.

According to Apple, Jung will help the company implement a new sales channel consisting of licensed representatives who will go door-to-door selling Macs, iPods and iPhones.

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “They’ll also harass the hell out of co-workers by circulating catalogs in the office with passive-aggressive notes and exhorting them to buy something and alienate their friends by throwing “Apple parties” where the pressure to buy something will be incredible!”

“It’s going to be great!”

“Steve was initially excited about the thought of giving away a pink Cadillac to Apple representatives, Schiller said. “He was pretty disappointed when I had to tell him that was Mary Kay, not Avon.”

Already people are lining up to become Apple representatives.

Lesa King, well-known as the talent behind David Pogue and the substantially better half of the host of Your Mac Life, said “I looked over their pamphlet and I’m going to sign up.

“If I sell 15 iMacs, I get a percentage of each one and a free iPhone. I mean, I don’t need an iPhone because I already have two, but at least it’s better than Pogue’s incentive plan which is ‘your incentive is that I don’t fire your ass’.

“Seriously. That’s what my employment contract says.”

Announcing Jung’s appointment, CEO Steve Jobs said that Jung would also help bring a positive new demographic to the Mac: fabulous babes.

“Look at our current demographic: pimply, awkward geeks who live in their parents’ basement. We’re going to change that. Sure, many of these babes are trashy MILFs…

“But, hey, trashy MILFs. Am I right? Sure I am.”

No one seemed sure when Jung was going to start, but for some reason you can sign up to be an Apple representative right now.

At a surprise all-hands meeting, CEO Steve Jobs announced that as thanks for another spectacular year, Apple employees would be receiving a special holiday gift.

“Tomorrow,” Jobs said to the excited crowd, “each employee of Apple worldwide, including retail stores, will receive one or more heads of livestock.”

Jobs, who had previously given Apple employees such items as an iPod shuffle and an iPhone, said “The gift of livestock is an investment into our employees. It’s previously concerned me that electronics such as iPods or iPhones are depreciating assets that offer no ongoing value. Livestock, on the other hand, allows our employees to increase their protein intake and their income.

“Also, they’re great for trading for wives.”

A memo distributed at the meeting stated that each Apple employee will receive either a llama, two goats or six rabbits.

According to Jobs, llamas may be sheared or slaughtered for meat, goats can provide milk or be slaughtered for meat, while rabbits…

“Well, rabbits are pretty much just meat. Of course you can breed them for more meat. And there ain’t nothing wrong with meat. Um, not that I’d know.”

Jobs paused to wipe some saliva from the corner of his mouth.

Apple employees were slightly confused by the announcement.

“I was kind of hoping for an Apple TV or a fat nano,” said AppleCare support technician Dale Kelly.

“I live in a small, unfurnished apartment and I think it would be a violation of my tenant’s agreement to have livestock in my unit.

“So I’m just going to slaughter mine immediately. Probably in my cube.”

Jobs also announced that each and every Apple customer would be getting a bucket of corn meal.

Heifer International, a charitable organization that helps fight world hunger through gifts of livestock to the developing world, denied any connection to Jobs’ announcement. But a spokesman did note that a fully tax-deductible donation of livestock makes a great holiday gift to yourself and those in need.