Frustrated in its attempts to defuse the legal struggle with Norway over opening its FairPlay digital rights management system, Apple purchased the entire country today from King Harald V for cash and stock.
Apple took immediate possession of the Scandinavian country and reversed its position on the legality of iTunes. CEO Steve Jobs then issued a statement to its citizens.
“To the Norwegian people I would say this. I know you are a proud people… headstrong… steadfast… and that you have a strong sense of your own nationality. Naturally, you will be somewhat skeptical of my rule.
“That’s why you’re all fired.
“That’s right, Jobs continued, speaking through an interpreter, “Pack your things and get out of my country by noon tomorrow. There’s really only room for one proud and headstrong person in this relationship. And lord knows I’ve tried to change…
“Well, not really, but…”
Jobs indicated that in order to keep Norway a vibrant tourist destination, the country would be populated by animatronic characters made by the Disney Corporation.
“We’ve already got a bunch of those Scandinavian kids in ‘It’s A Small World’,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “And I think the adults just look like blonde pirates, right?
“Well, whatever. We’re using pirates. We’ve got a crapload of pirates lying around.”
Apple is reportedly also looking into purchasing the Netherlands, Sweden, Finland and France, if anyone knows how it can get a good deal on them.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs sent a shot across the bow of the recording industry today, issuing an in-depth statement that said that if the recording industry would allow it, Apple would wholeheartedly embrace selling music without digital rights management (DRM).
Imagine a world where every online store sells DRM-free music encoded in open licensable formats. In such a world, any player can play music purchased from any store, and any store can sell music which is playable on all players. This is clearly the best alternative for consumers, and Apple would embrace it in a heartbeat.
The recording industry’s Jack Valenti quickly followed suit, issuing his own statement to consumers of digital entertainment.
Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t you imagine a world where you shut your cake-hole and buy this crap the way we tell you to, huh? Can you imagine that? Huh? Can you? You frickin’ better imagine it or I’m gonna hit you in the head with a frickin’ Zune.
Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer also chimed in, releasing the following statement early this afternoon.
I was totally going to say that. Exactly what Jobs said. Totally. I mean, I was just talking about this. Ask what’s his name… uh… you know… that guy… Nerdie McSweatervest. Slouchy McJuicebox. Uhh… Gates! Anyway, I was tellin’ him the exact same shit the other day. I’m like, hey! Donnie Dorko! DRM! It’s gotta go, baby! But he’s all like, blah, blah, blah, barriers to entry this, blah, blah, blah, leverage technologies that, blah, blah, blah.
Ballmer’s statement was then followed by a statement from open digital rights activist Cory Doctorow:
Phew. Man. That whole thing where I went off on Apple for embracing closed formats… kind of makes me look like an ass right now. Kinda wish I hadn’t written that.
And now I’ve got all my shit in fricking Ubuntu. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking there.
Do you know, I actually cut myself on Ubuntu yesterday? I don’t even know how that’s possible.
Also kind of wish I hadn’t had the Apple logo tattoo lasered off my arm. That hurt like a mother.
Shortly after Jobs’ statement was posted, Apple was sued by Apple Corps for the unlicensed use of the word “Imagine”.
Apple’s recent filing with the SEC revealed that company has been sued for something called “mo-no-po-ly.”
Apple fans were at a loss to fathom what this heretofore unheard of transgression could entail.
“Does it have something to do with iPod battery failures?” asked Mac user Chris Shea. “I know a lot of people have gotten really pissy about the iPod batteries.
“Mo-no-po-ly, Shea said rolling the word around in his mouth. “Mo-no-po-ly. Mo. No. Po. Ly.
“Nope. Doesn’t ring a bell.”
Shea declined to be interviewed further as he was late for a deposition in a court case. While he considers himself a Mac user first, Shea is also an antitrust lawyer.
Many Apple web sites launched a counter-offensive against the claim while not fully understanding its basis.
“This is a specious argument that has no merit, wrote Daring Fireball’s John Gruber.
“Its specious nature will soon be revealed for its speciosity.”
Gruber would not admit to having received a Random House Word-A-Day calendar as a holiday gift, despite the fact that the January 2nd entry is “specious.”
Some have suggested that this “mo-no-po-ly” may somehow be related to the monopoly power exercised by Microsoft through its illegal and destructive stranglehold on the operating system market for sixteen years.
But all members of the Apple community agreed that that was just stupid.
Contradicting interpretations of an earlier report by Forrester research, comScore Networks said today that iTunes Store sales surged 84 percent in the first three quarters of 2006.
comScore’s report was backed up by Piper Jaffray analyst Gene Munster who said iTunes sales showed “strong year over year growth.”
comScore and Munster did not explain the reason for the surge, however.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources indicate that in the first three quarters of 2006, Apple employees have spent an astounding $250 million on iTunes songs in an attempt to prop up the store’s numbers.
“I’m not even sure what I bought,” said chief operating officer Tim Cook. “There was a memo from Steve and I just just logged on and started clicking.”
“Hmm. Who’s this 2 Live Crew? Are they new? I hope it’s country and western. I like country and western.
“It’s… not country and western… is it.”
Sources also say CEO Steve Jobs downloaded the entire works of the Baha Men.
“He’s been walking around singing that song…” a source said.
“You know the song I’m talking about.
“Would someone please just shoot me now?”
Wall Street analysts indicate they don’t care where the sales come from as long as the company moves product.
A group of concerned members religious sects – Concerned Members of Religious Sects of America – announced today that it has lodged a formal complaint with Apple over some of the buttons in iTunes, claiming they are lewd and unsuitable for software that might be used by children or those easily susceptible to cases of the vapors.
The group specifically listed Shuffle and Repeat, which it said “clearly depict acts of intercourse.”
“Look at that!” said pastor Rob Robbins of the Church of the Unironic Word in Corpus Christi, Texas, pointing at the Shuffle button. “It’s filthy! Is that a penis? What is that? Two penises intertwined? I’m not sure, but there’s definitely a penis in there somewhere.
“The other one is obviously two people in a 69,” Robbins said of the Repeat button. “Anybody can see that.
“And then there’s that eye icon way over there on the right… watching the whole thing… It’s disgusting.”
Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller denied that the icons on the buttons were anything but emblematic of their functions within iTunes and the iPod.
“I think you’d have to really be looking for a couple of penises to see that in the Shuffle button,” Schiller said, squinting at the screen of his MacBook Pro.
“I’ve been looking for about a half an hour and all I see are two arrows.
“Oop. Nope. Just arrows.”
Schiller said that Apple has no plans to change the buttons in iTunes, but did admit that the icon for iDVD sometimes reminds him of a breast.