Category: Macs

Sources indicate that at a special event on March 20th Apple will announce new iMacs that will rock the hardware business as only an Apple product can.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that the new iMacs will come in an exciting new form factor. In 2003 Apple introduced iMacs with a circular base. In 2004 it introduced iMacs with an all-in-one rectangular form factor.

“Based on the latest trends in design, a highly-placed source said, “The 2007 iMac will be in the shape of a rhombus.”

Marketed under the catch-phrase “ParalleloWHAM!”, the new iMacs will feature Samsung’s brand new 17, 20 and 24-inch non-perpendicular LCDs

“We haven’t the slightest idea why Samsung decided to make monitors with non-perpendicular corners,” a source who was totally not Greg Joswiak said. “But when [Apple CEO] Steve [Jobs] saw them, he flipped. He said ‘We’ll take as many as you can make!’

“And I’m looking at Jony [Ive] like, hey, Elton, help me out here! But Jony’s such a butt-kisser he’s like, ‘Oh, Steve, I couldn’t agree more! Non-perpendicular trapezoids are where design is going to be in two years. You’re way ahead of the curve again! Rectangular screens are so 2006.'”

The new iMacs have already been delayed as Apple has had difficulty in finding vendors of rhombus-shaped corrugated boxes to ship the units in.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story and the source who was not Joswiak declined to pick up the tab for lunch at the sushi place.

In a tragic climax to the “Get a Mac” ad series, authorities say that earlier today PC, pushed beyond the breaking point, allegedly killed Mac shortly after the taping of the latest spot.

The spot reportedly centered around more of PC’s inadequacies while highlighting the many benefits of Mac, driving PC into a final fit of murderous, jealousy-fueled rage.

According to sources present, PC fled the scene in a white Ford Bronco driven by Windows.

Windows spoke to pursuing authorities using a Windows Mobile phone.

“This is Vista,” Windows said. “I’ve got PC in the back. Back off or he’s gonna reformat himself!

“What? Who is this?! You know who this is, dammit!”

PC was apprehended just outside a CompUSA where it apparently had hoped to get lost in a crowd of other PCs. Authorities were tipped off, however, when Vista’s security system loudly asked “YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO FLEE POLICE ON FOOT. CANCEL OR ALLOW?”

In a final irony, PC was booked without a mug shot as the digital camera the police used experienced a driver conflict.

Legal experts say that since the Mac is still just a computer, PC can at worst only face charges of property damage. Further, sources say Apple is considering continuing the ad campaign as it can easily replace Mac with another Mac that looks just like it.

Sources in the Rancho DeLano, Ariz. school district say technicians there have still not replaced recalled batteries in the 3, 00 Apple laptops used by its schools. Because of political concerns over the appearance of having laptops without batteries, district officials instructed technicians to keep the batteries in rather than pulling them and waiting for replacements.

When reached for comment, school officials defended the policy, saying kids sometimes need to learn “tough lessons” and sometimes that means exposing them to exploding batteries, but that kids are far more resilient than adults think.

“That’s why children are our greatest asset,” said superintendent Scott Madritch.

“They’re almost completely impervious to fire.

“It’s true. You can look it up.”

Coughing nervously, Madritch said “We don’t want to look bad. These laptop purchasing decisions can be highly charged. Almost as highly charged as these laptop batteries!

“Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhh…”

In lieu of actually replacing the batteries, district officials recommended:

• Placing a Mr. Yuck sticker on the battery.
• Asking the kids to put on a skit where a group of young toughs using explosive batteries tries to peer pressure another youth into using an explosive battery. In the end, they all learn a valuable lesson about themselves.
• Doubling the number of fire drills and “drop and roll” exercises.
• Counting third degree burns as “extra credit.”

One fan of the policy was technician Len Burrows.

“This saves me a lot of trouble,” Burrows said. “I wasn’t looking forward to pulling all those batteries and having to look at all those numbers to try to figure out if they were bad.

“This way I just wait for the laptops to explode. It’s easy.”

Fifteen minutes into the interview, school officials suddenly declined to comment.

Having recently learned that it is the target of a lawsuit over over-heating MacBooks, Apple learned today that another group is targeting the company.

According to sources at the Shady Acres Retirement Home, a group of seniors is suing the company because their MacBooks aren’t hot enough.

“I bought this gahd damn MacBook so I could stay warm this winter!” shouted Herbert Warner, pointing accusingly at his MacBook. “I got bad circulation! And this gahd damn thing wouldn’t keep a fly warm!”

Warner shook his fist at the MacBook and spit on the floor.

“Gahd damn it! I didn’t lose a nipple on Iwo Jima to waste $1,100 on a cold laptop! Makes me wish I got me one of them laptops with the… waddaya call ’em… the explodin’ batteries.”

After an angry silence, Warner said “I lost a nipple on Iwo Jima, you know!”

Warner’s wife of 56 years, Martha, indicated that Warner did not actually fight in World War II and has never served in the military.

“He was 4-F, you know!” Mrs. Warner, a co-litigant said. “Because of his missing nipple, you see! My father said, ‘Jesus, Martha, tell me you’re not gonna marry that one-nippled Warner boy!’

“But…” Warner said, hugging her irate husband, “I loved him!

“And we bought this laptop to keep us warm! That Jobs fellow should do right by us!”

When reached for comment, Steve Jobs said “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Apple delivered new iMacs today, adding a 24-inch monster machine with a 2.33 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Across the board the iMacs are faster and provide a better value than ever.

However, sources indicate there is one major drawback to the new machines.

They smell like ass.

“Oh, my god,” said prospective iMac buyer Ann Woulten, quickly covering her nose with her hand as she entered the Boca Raton Apple Store. “What is that?”

Lifting his nose in the air, Woulten’s boyfriend Henry Martinez took several whiffs.

“Smells like ass,” Martinez concluded.

“I know that!” Woulten shouted, gagging slightly.

Sources at Intel claim that something in the manufacturing process of the Core 2 Duo causes the chips to come out smelling like ass.

“We’re not sure what it is,” Intel spokesperson Kim Sargeant said. “We think it might be when Randy rubs his ass up against the silicon disks, but we’re not sure.

“Frankly, we don’t know how that step got into the procedure manual. We think Randy might have added it himself. We’re still looking into whether or not it’s necessary.”

Pausing momentarily and shifting uncomfortably in her seat, Sargeant added “We got ISO 9000 certification.”

According to Sargeant, Randy also apparently works on the Xeon processors but the fans in the the Mac Pro are powerful enough to blow away his severe funk.

Apple declined to comment for this story but has reportedly issued those white surgical masks to all Apple Store employees.