Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: Is Apple ever going to release a sub-notebook?

A: No. Steve Jobs hates people who like tiny laptops. I don’t know why. Calls them tinytards if I’m not mistaken. Moreover, our sources say Apple’s actually working on a 24-inch laptop. Not that they think anyone will buy it, I mean the thing’s ridiculously huge. It’s just another typical Steve Jobs “fuck you”.

Q: So I should keep using my PowerBook 2400?

A: Oh, totally. Dude, I really don’t think they’ll ever come out with a machine better than that anyway.
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Q: Hey, I installed Leopard and I’m having some problems.

A: OK. Is it the blue screen on reboot?

Q: No.

A: FileVault corruption?

Q: Uh, no.

A: What is it?

Q: It’s more like flames.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Shooting out the back. And there’s this deep gurgling voice telling me to “GET OUT!”

A: Are the walls bleeding?

Q: Uh… yes.

A: Yeah. That’s Satanic possession. Some people are running into that with Leopard.

Q: So, I’m screwed, right?

A: No. Just restart with the shift key held down.

Q: That’s it?!

A: Oh. And get yourself a priest.

Q: Ah.
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Q: Hey, I didn’t install Leopard and I’m also having problems.

A: Uh… OK.

Q: Yeah. I’ve not no Time Machine, no 3-D Dock, no unified theme, no Back to my Mac…

A: Well, that’s because those are all Leopard features.

Q: Right.

A: Yeah.

Q: Exactly.

A: Huh?

Q: I’m just saying, no pain, no gain.

A: What does that even mean in this context?

Q: Mmm-hmm.

A: [sigh] You know, I wasn’t really looking for an object lesson here.

Q: Oh, boo-hoo.

Mac Community, John Siracusa To Wed.

The parents of everyone in the Mac community are proud to announce that all their sons and daughters are engaged to Ars Technica’s John Siracusa.

While one glowing review after another of Siracusa’s Leopard review were still warm from the digital presses, it was the Mac community and Siracusa who found a warmth growing between them.

“I really got the sense they loved my review and, consequently, me,” Siracusa said. “So, we had a little dinner, went to a movie, one thing led to another and…

“Now we’re getting married!”

For its part, the Mac community expressed its undying love for Siracusa and his reviews, as forum posts and blog comments overflowed with remarks such as “You know his reviews are good because they’re so long!” and “He must be smart because I have no idea what he’s talking about!”

It was the review that nurtured a love that defied social norms.

While many were at a loss to explain how the engagement of a technology writer and an entire community could come about, one person thought he had the answer.

“This really just kind of snowballed,” said a sheepish Phil Schiller.

“I just got sick of everyone going on and on about how much they looooved Siracusa’s Leopard review – which in many parts was quite critical of Leopard – and what a literary god Siracusa is and Siracusa, Siracusa, Siracusa! So, I said to the Mac community, ‘Well, if you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?!’

“And, um, here we are.”

The wedding date is set for January 15, 2008. The Mac community will wear white and Guy Kawasaki will give the bride away.

Apple Faces Two New Lawsuits.

Bad news for Apple today as the company has been made the target of two new lawsuits – one over restraint of trade and one over a product defect.

In the first, Apple has been sued by the creators of the Word-A-Day calendar series over the Word of the Day screen saver in Leopard.

“Apple has basically just driven us out of business, Artemus Johnson, president of the Word-A-Day Company said. “I have kids to feed. A mortgage. I actually have a Mac on lease! It’s not fair.

“No one’s going to buy those little tear-off calendars this Christmas! My wife is going to leave me! Aaaah!”

In a separate suit, Apple is being sued over the iPhone’s screen’s inability to stay free of finger blemishes. The primary plaintiff is one Smudgy McSmudgman, a Trenton, New Jersey businessman.

“According to my client,” said lawyer Greg Delacorte, “his iPhone is practically unreadable, as it is covered in a layer of crusty fingerprints.”

Delacorte did allow that McSmudgman does have particularly porous fingers and a penchant for eating sticky sweets while reading the Sunday newspaper.

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” Delacorte said, “but the court documents are also a mess.”

“We’re confident that we will prevail in court,” said Apple general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Our sources indicate that McSmudgman is incapable of refraining from noisily eating fudge with his bare hands in the courtroom. That won’t look good in front of a jury.”

Apple stock went down, then up, then down and then up again on the news.

TidBITS Agenda Revealed.

As exciting as the Leopard roll-out has been, it has also been revealing. The writing of several so-called “journalists” has revealed them to be willing tools of various nefarious forces.

Most disappointing of all is the venerable Mac publication TidBITS which has been shown by clever readers to be in league with pro-one world government organizations.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has prepared the following graphical depiction of how TidBITS fits into the global conspiracy.

As you can clearly see, TidBITS is the key propaganda arm of the One World Government forces which send their black helicopter brigades to extract the precious bodily fluids from Mac users which they then give to their Emperor Gallagher.

As difficult as it is to fathom, TidBITS has also been caught supporting Microsoft, absurdly claiming that Apple took technology cues from features that are in Vista.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ab-surd.

Microsoft, as everyone knows, is in league with Satan who is worshipped by Al Gore who works in support of One World Government forces who gave him the Nobel Prize.

The circle is closed.

Also, one of Satan’s key operatives on Earth is killer beavers.

When contacted, TidBITS attempted to deny the truth, of course.

“The idea that TidBITS is affiliated with one world government forces is absurd,” said Jeff Carlson. “We do, of course, have tremendous respect for Brother Al because, well, Adam [Engst] is a communist.

“I think that’s fairly obvious. But that doesn’t mean he wants one world government. He wants lots of small communist governments.

“And it’s just Glenn [Fleishman] who really likes Microsoft so much.”

Leopard Review.

Rejoice Comrades! Chairman Steve has won yet another stunning victory over the forces of the unwashed, styleless masses of the bourgeois technology industry!

Leopard, a work of technological art and might wrought by Chairman Steve with his very own hands from ones and zeros, revolutionizes the desktop much in the way Chairman Steve has revolutionized the hearts and minds of both the technological intelligentsia and proletariate. It throws off the shackles of the capitalist Redmond robber barons and frankly just makes Linux look like ass.

It also has a really cool startup video and does something with FSEvents I don’t really understand.

All errors encountered during upgrading to Leopard have been revealed to be the work of running-dog third party developers! Their system extensions are clearly immoral and have been implemented in a counterrevolutionary manner.

Several imperialist patsies have attempted to besmirch this great work in a vain attempt to boost their pathetic careers while selling out those who actually contribute to society.

But never fear! Chairman Steve’s glorious revolution continues unabated! They shall burn in the fires of change! Their shorts shall ride up in a wedgie of enormous magnitude! All shall be enlightened by Chairman Steve’s clarity of vision and the virility of his execution!

Long live Chairman Steve and his glorious work, Leopard!

Four stars out of five.