Crazy Apple Rumors Site

According to reports late last week, an iPod nano ignited in the pants of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport employee Danny Williams, sending flames shooting up his body.

He was not seriously injured which granted WSBTV free license to refer to the incident as Williams’ “15 minutes of flame” [Editor’s Note: That. Is. Awesome. Kudos to you, WSBTV!].

The Apple web community – sensing a potential black mark on the pants of Apple’s reputation – went into a level 10 Artie MacStrawman alert and leapt to the nano’s defense.

Because that’s how we roll.

“I’d like to know more about his pants,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “Were they cotton? Polyester? Some kind of blend? Different pants have different ignition thresholds, you know. A poorly constructed pair of corduroys, for instance, will combust all on their own if the wearer has meaty thighs. Really. I read that in Gentlemen’s Pantaloons Quarterly. Yes, I am a subscriber.”

Gruber then challenged Williams to ignite a pair of pants in a controlled environment using an out-of-the-box nano.

Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch took a break from his honeymoon to ask “What is it with these iPod-tards?! First the iPod’s battery doesn’t hold enough of a charge and now it holds too much?! Which is it, people?!”

Noted author Dori Smith asked “Has anyone considered how Steve Jobs feels about this? I bet he feels horrible. Just horrible. Poor Steve. He works so hard. It’s a shame something like this should have to happen to him.

“Steve, I mean.”

While not coming down strongly anti-Williams, Merlin Mann mused “I’m sure there are a lot of people who would, at least metaphorically, love to have themselves ‘set on fire’ by music. In that regard, Williams is a very, very lucky man.

“Also, it strikes me that getting burned horribly by an iPod truly is a first-world problem! People in the third world can only dream of something like that! Ha-ha! Am I right? Because, um, they don’t have lithium. Or, possibly, even ions. I’m not sure about that. I’ll have to ask Alex Lindsey.”

It should also be noted that no one knows if Williams was vigorously rubbing the iPod inside his pants in some sort of heat-generating act of perversion.

When reached for comment, Apple announced that it would be releasing flame-retardent iPod pants that will sell for $125 a pair. Strangely, the company said that only Apple-branded flame retardent pants will “work with” the iPod and that everyone would have to buy their pants from Apple from now on and not some other pants because their pants were special and just shut up and fork over the $125 already.