Apple Delays Leopard.

Reports late last week claimed that Apple had delayed Leopard in order to make its latest operating system update more compatible with Microsoft Vista. According to MacNewsWorld ace reporter Katherine Noyes, Apple was pushing the Leopard release date back to October in order to make Boot Camp fully Vista-complaint.

Many in the Mac community rightly expressed bafflement as to why Apple would delay an operating system used by millions for a feature used by thousands.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that Apple is delaying Leopard until October, but not for Vista compatibility. It is delaying it because Steve Jobs is buying a hamster.

According to sources close to Jobs, the mercurial CEO has saved his salary for each of the 10 years since he returned to Apple and is now looking to invest the $10 in a small rodent.

“Steve feels he’s ready for the commitment,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “He’s got the Habitrail with the little wheel all set up in his office. Got one of those ball things. Some pellets. And now he’s just waiting for that special little… um… critter.”

Jobs apparently expects the process of learning to care for a hamster to be quite involved, hence the need to delay Leopard.

“I’ve told him you just give them some water, toss some pellets in there and then you can leave for the weekend,” Schiller said, “but he just smiles at me and says ‘Oh, Phil!’

“It’s really fricking pissing me off.”

Regardless of the reason, the move to delay the release of Leopard was hailed by Rob Enderle, principal analyst with the Boneheaded Jackass Enderle Group. [Editor: we were really sure it was the Boneheaded Jackass Group but when we checked he apparently calls it the Enderle Group. That’s what he said and that’s what’s on his business cards, but I’m just not sure. We’re still looking into it.]

Reached for comment, Enderle said “I eat paste!”

Wait, that’s not right…

Hmm.

Oh. It is.

Just checked my notes.

Says right here. “I eat paste!”

He seemed pretty excited about it, too.

He also had a little in the corner of his mouth.

Paste, that is.

An Apple spokesperson said that Jobs’ hamster break-in period is not expected to go past October, but warned that Leopard could be delayed further if the Apple CEO suddenly takes up macramé.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

We were out a little late last night with the Seattle Xcoders, so we’re going to run some repeat questions from old Help Desk episodes.

First up, it’s the summer of love, 1967!

Q: I’m recently bought an Apple -X and I’m having trouble getting it to read my paper tape. I can get the program punched onto the tape OK, but when I feed all 165 feet back in to get it to print out an ASCII picture of kitty, the tape gets mangled.

A: That’s a known issue with the -X. They’re expected to announce the Apple -IX next quarter which is supposed to fix that. Do you have $10,000?

Q: Um, let me see… Yes!

A: OK, then I’d just wait for that. You know, as great as the Apple -IX is going to be, just think… some day they’ll actually hit positive numbers.

Q: Wow! I wonder what that far off future world will be like?!

A: Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that computers will think and be able to talk to you.

Q: Cool!

A: Yeah. War, of course, will be a thing of the past as the world will be led by a sage council of wizened elders in flowing robes.

Q: Huh. What will they wear under the robes?

A: Crotchless leather pants.

Q: Wh-huh? Why would they…

A: DO NOT QUESTION THE ELDERS!

Q: I’m not, I just think it’s kind of weird that…

A: UNBELIEVER! UNBELIEVER! GUARDS! CALL THE GUARDS!

Q: Ooh, so there will be thought police in the future?

A: Yeah, that was pretty much my point there.

Ha-ha! Well, at least we got that last part right!

Now here’s a classic from 1945! Who can forget the Apple iENIAC?

Q: I recently purchased an Apple iENIAC which has been great. I mean, it only takes me a couple of weeks to configure the vacuum tubes in the right places to get it to add two integers!

A: I know! And it’s only $530,000!

Q: Right! The problem I’ve been having is reaching Apple tech support.

A: Oh, that’s probably because 800 numbers haven’t been invented yet.

Q: Ah. I thought it might be because I have a party line.

A: Well, that’s probably not helping.

Q: So, what can I do in the mean time?

A: Uh, you mean between now and the 1960s?

Q: Yes.

A: You should avail yourself of the services of one of the many fine traveling Apple technical support and Fuller brush salesmen.

Q: Oh, but I can’t.

A: Uh… why?

Q: Because I’m a farmer.

A: Huh?

Q: And I have a daughter.

A: Oh.

Q: Yeah.

A: I can see where you might expect problems. But, wait, where did you get $530,000?

Q: Oh, I happened to be at Roswell when the aliens landed and the government paid me off.

A: Good for you!

And here’s one I’ll never forget from the year 10,045 BC!

Q: Me have trouble with Apple iStone. It sometimes not kill antelope.

A: You throw it hard?

Q: Of course me throw it hard!

A: You show.

Q: OK. Aaaaaaahhhh UHN!

A: You call that throw?! Throw it like early man!

Q: Grrr! OK. OK. Me not warmed up before. Now me warm. Here me go. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH UHNNNN!!!

A: Dude, there nothing wrong with iStone. You just throw like australopithecus.

Q: Nnn. Well, what if me upgrade to iStone Pro?

A: Ha-ha! You think you need iStone Pro when you throw like little australopithecus girl?!

Q: Me gonna smash you with iStone!

A: Ha! That bit scary threat, Lucy!

Ah, that really takes me back!

Nothing tonight!

At the invitation of the lovely and talented Brent Simmons, the entire CARS staff is headed up I-5 to attend tonight’s meeting of Seattle Xcoders.

In the comments, please answer the following question: if humans were classes, which human would you inherit from (not your parents – who would you want to inherit from)?

Maybe some geeks can explain that.

New GTD Application Released.

The burgeoning field of Mac implementations of the GTD philosophy increased again today as a new shareware application was released.

Developer Don Adams says that his new application is designed for those looking to get into the latest productivity trend: Getting Things Don.

Adams said “Where the ‘Getting Things Done’ strategy is aimed at organizing tasks that have been collected through ubiquitous capture, ‘Getting Things Don’ focuses on the simple fact that guys named ‘Don’ are just more efficient.”

Adams says that after reviewing the traditional GTD process, he realized that if more people just acted like him and other Dons, they wouldn’t have to worry about carrying around a stack of note cards held together with a binder clip.

“I don’t care what Merlin Mann says,” Adams said, “That’s just a crock.”

Getting Things Don allows the user to assign items they might need to certain Dons that they can then seek to emulate in that particular context.

“For instance,” Adams said “I might decide that I need a male truss – and I don’t – I can then assign that item to noted author Don DeLillo in the context of ‘support’. Then later I could look up what kind of male truss DeLillo uses and buy that one.

“Because he’s a Don, I know it’ll be the most efficient male truss I can buy.”

Getting Things Don is a free download but in its unlicensed version only supports up to three Dons.

Macs Are, Indeed, Gay.

Science has given us evidence of gay humans, gay apes, and even gay penguins. But the accusations of Microsoft fan boys that “Macs are gay” have always been considered to be nothing more than childish hyperbole.

Until now.

In what promises to be a shocking issue of the journal Nature for the Macintosh-using community (at least the part that’s not gay), zoologist Derek Park of the San Diego zoo will be the first to provide documented evidence of hot Mac on Mac action.

“I had never actually considered the possibility,” Park said “until I was able to observe some Macs in the wild.”

Park was in the Fashion Valley Apple Store and happened to catch a glimpse into the stock room when an associate left the door open.

“There they were all stacked up on top of each other like some bacchanalian Roman orgy of computer gayness. I was shocked at first. But then I thought, I’m a scientist. I should observe this behavior.

“Plus, I mean, I don’t swing that way, but it was so hot.”

Park’s research covers this observed behavior – which he calls “in-store mounting” – as well as several others such as the inherent gayness of Firewire target disk mode.

“I mean, come on. Anyone who’s seen lesbian porn knows what that’s all about.

“You know what I’m talkin’ about, am I right, fellas?

“Bown-chicka-wacka-wacka-bowwwn.”

Apple declined to comment, but the Village People could be heard playing in the background.

[Photo credit Michael Hanscom.]