Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was having a lot of trouble with my iPod Shuffle so I downloaded Apple’s Shuffle Updater and installed it, but it’s still not working.
A: Were you having the power problem?
Q: No. I’ve got this Dell, see, and the USB ports on the front are recessed so I can’t get the damn thing to connect. And this update didn’t fix that at all!
A: Oh. Well, you probably haven’t installed it correctly.
Q: OK. How should I install it?
A: Well, don’t run the installer. Just take the installer file and drag it onto the Shuffle’s drive. Then put the Shuffle into the Dell’s USB port and just start kicking it until you get it to mount.
Q: You mean… kick it into the Dell…
A: Right. Kick the crap out of it.
Q: OK. OK. See, that’s exactly what Apple Care told me but I just didn’t believe them.
A: A brick will work, too.

Q: I ordered an iPod nano from the Apple Store and the box came today, but it wasn’t an iPod nano inside.
A: Oh! Was it a bar of soap?!
Q: What? No. What the hell are you talking about? It was this cool flat-panel cell phone thing that downloaded my music wirelessly and ran what appeared to be a “lite” version of OS X. It said “Prototype” on it.
A: Oh… oh, my god! Where is it?! Can I see it?!
Q: No. I sent it back.
A: You sent it back?! Why?!
Q: Well… it was brown.
A: Oh. Uh… yeah, OK, I could see that.

Q: My video iPod is on the fritz. It will only show my movies and TV shows on this tiny little 2.5-inch screen.
A: Uh, well, that’s pretty much the screen size of the video iPod.
Q: What? What kind of crap is that?! Crappy little 2.5-inch screen. That’s crap. How am I gonna get my freak on with a crappy little screen like that?
A: Your freak on? What show are you watching?
Q: I mean, there’s just no way for me to grind it like a monkey and still get home in time for dinner with a little screen like that, is there?
A: Well, I guess…
Q: I’ve gotta spank it with a paddle and make my salad spin like a Chester’s grandma at a ho-down!
A: Are we… talking about porn, or…
Q: DADDY NEEDS TO RUB CHEESE FONDU… ALL! OVER! HIS! BODY!
A: Uh… you know, I don’t really want to know anymore.

iPhone Looks Like Crap.

A disturbing report on what is clearly the upcoming iPhone leads to the incontrovertible conclusion that what many hoped would be the next flagship Apple product just looks like crap.

“What the hell is that?” asked the New York Times’ David Pogue. “What a fricking piece of crap!”

Pogue’s criticism was echoed by other analysts.

“Here I was thinking the iPhone was going to be this incredibly cool, slim device, said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg.

“But this… this looks like a pack of smokes with a couple of buttons on it.”

Others attempted to explain away the appearance of the images in the patent application.

“Haven’t you ever seen those concept cars?” asked Wired’s Leander Kaheny. “Well, the finished product never looks like the concept.

“Of course… in that example the concept always looks better than the finished product. And this…

“Jesus, what a piece of crap.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did ask “What? You don’t like it?”

Jobs Announces Firefox 2.0

After its early release yesterday, Apple CEO Steve Jobs held a hasty press conference this morning to announce Firefox 2.0.

Which struck the technology world as unusual as Apple does not make Firefox.

“Firefox 2.0 is the best browser for the Mac, Jobs said. “And here’s why.

“It’s standards-driven, stable and faster than lightning. It’s my new browser of choice for OS X.”

Drawing nothing but blank, confused stares from the gathered members of the media, Jobs added “I went straight from Internet Explorer to Firefox.”

Jobs then denied ever having heard the word “Safari” before, including in its African context.

Listening to a webcast of Jobs’ presentation, lead Firefox developer Ben Goodger asked “What the hell is he talking about?”

Realization suddenly coming over Goodger’s face, he cried “Hey… hey… HEY! He… he’s stealing our project!”

Indeed, according to sources in the know, much as he did with the Macintosh over twenty years ago, Jobs is now attempting to steal Firefox.

“First there was Lisa and the Mac, now it’s Safari and Firefox,” said Andy Hertzfeld. “Well, you’ve got to give Steve credit. He knows a quality product.”

Hertzfeld then complained that Jobs stole his lunch once in June of 1983.

“It was a cheese sandwich on wheat with lettuce and sprouts,” Hertzfeld said angrily.

“I… I still think of that sandwich sometimes…”

C4 Reveals Seamy Underbelly of the Mac World.

[Crazy Apple Rumors Site sent its high society reporter Thor Samson to C4 over the weekend to cover the “it” Mac conference of fall 2006.

What Thor discovered about the conference celebrities may shock you.

Or not, depending on how jaded you are.]

I went to C4 with my mind as open as my expense account. These events are great because they allow the Mac community to showcase its stars in their element, right?

Wrong!

Many of these so-called “stars” of the Mac community are ne’er-do-wells at best and criminals at worst. Let’s take a look at C4’s “luminaries”.

John Gruber: Long considered the most respected Mac blogger, recent evidence indicates Gruber is addicted to online gambling.

Not a lot of people know this, but only descendants of the founders of ARPA can open online casinos, as they are considered Internet natives who have to put up with the rest of us yahoos who invaded their homeland.

Now, sources say, Gruber is in six large to these online tribes and is being forced to shill for online gambling to avoid having Daring Fireball repossessed.

Just don’t lend him any money.

Jonathan “Wolf” Rentzsch: The organizer of C4, Rentzsch actually is a lycanthrope as his nickname implies and must shave his face and hands six or seven times a day. By my reckoning, he devoured eight C4 attendees and a waiter at Jaks Tap.

Also, he seems to think it would be really funny if Mac users adopted goatse as their gang symbol.

Clearly, the pain of living with the knowledge of the havoc he has wreaked up on humanity has driven him insane.

Brent Simmons: Simmons’ dark secret is not so secret: he sold out to the man. Further compounding his guilt, however, he has also been accused of not keeping it real and a failure on numerous occasions to holla back, despite repeatedly being given the opportunity.

Drunken Batman: Drunk? Frequently. Batman? No.

So there you have it. The Macintosh community is full of gamblers, werewolves, sellouts and frauds.

…

OK, that sounded a lot more surprising when I wrote it on Sunday night…

iPod Turns Five.

Apple’s iPod turned five years old today, an event that has caused CEO Steve Jobs to wax effusive about “his baby.”

“When I introduced the iPod five years ago today, I couldn’t have been prouder of the achievement Apple – and I – made, Jobs said. “And here’s why.

“The iPod is a timely, innovative product that filled a need our competitors were not adequately filling, and still aren’t. We created an easy-to-use stylish product that spoke to people.”

Holding up an iPod nano, Jobs gushed “The iPod is such a perfect little princess! So smart and well-liked! And pretty!

“The iPod is my special little girl!”

Turning to the Mac – his child from his previous marriage (albeit also to Apple) – Jobs icily asked “When are you going to sell 8.7 million units a quarter?”

The Mac did not look away from the repeat episode of Charles In Charge it was watching while shoving fistfuls of Corn Nuts into its face and mumbled “I sold 1.6 million units. Get off my back.”

“You’re twenty-two years old!” Jobs yelled. “When are you going to move out of my basement?!”

The Mac only shrugged sullenly before turning the TV volume up.

Contrary to Jobs’ contention that his relationship with the iPod is all sunshine and goodness, there are signs of strife.

The young device has reportedly demanded a pony for its fifth birthday and Jobs – after initially indicating the request was excessive – has caved in.

“Well, if I don’t buy her the pony, she’ll throw a tantrum and then nobody’s happy,” Jobs said, sighing. “And I’ve got to keep my special little girl happy!”

The Mac shook its head and turned the volume up further.