Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I recently purchased a brand-spanking-new MacBook Pro and, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but these puppies run a little hot. I use this thing on my lap a lot and, frankly, I’m a little concerned about my… my…
A: Your area.
Q: My region.
A: Your stuff.
Q: My junk.
A: Your package.
Q: My lunch meat.
A: Your salad box.
Q: My… wait. What?
A: Uh… your crate of comic books?
Q: …
A: Um, your bag of take-out?
Q: Well, that’s… close. I guess. I was more thinking of something like “my stack of media.”
A: Ooh, that’s a good one. Can I use that one?
Q: Can we get back to my problem?
A: Oh, yeah. Just get a Podium Pad or something.
Q: That’ll protect my pork larder?
A: Uh… we are talking about your groin, right?

Q: I bought a PowerBook for my home business last year and I was looking to upgrade the RAM.
A: That’s a good idea. You can never have too much RAM.
Q: Yeah. So, I thought about taking it in to the Apple Store, but thought, heck, how hard could it be? So I ordered some RAM online and installed it myself.
A: Excellent! You don’t need some dandy with a troll patch putting his manicured fingers all over your PowerBook!
Q: Uh… yeah. Anyway, while I was in there I noticed that there was a whole bunch of dust bunnies and crumbs and bacon bits and crap. So, I bought some compressed air and I blew it all out…
A: Of course you did!
Q: Uh… yeah!
A: Like men do!
Q: It was just a little compressed air…
A: Which you blew in a most manly fashion!
Q: Well, I’m a guy. I’m not sure I can blow compressed air any other way.
A: Ah-ha-ha! Men!
Q: Uh… yeah. Uh… what?
A: Men!
Q: I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

Q: I’m an avid scrapbooker and I’ve been looking for applications and peripherals for the Mac that will support my scrapbooking hobby.
A: Oh, I’ve heard of that. You print out pictures and you put them together in a book with borders and keepsakes and stuff.
Q: Yes. Only I specifically scrapbook all the stupid things people around me do.
A: Uh… you…
Q: So, for example, my husband was putting dishes into the dishwasher the other day and he was putting the forks in with the tines up so you’d, like, stab yourself when you went to get them out. I mean, what is he, an idiot?
A: Well…
Q: So, I took a couple of pictures of him and then printed them on my Epson printer and cut them out and put them in some cut-out construction paper in a scrapbook.
A: You… create angry scrapbooks.
Q: Yeah. So, anyway, what I really want is to be able to create my own papers. Like, backgrounds, patterns and stuff.
A: Uh, you know, I gotta say… I don’t think you should be questioning your peripherals. I think you should be questioning why you’re angry scrapbooking.
Q: Oh, you are making me so mad. I am so going to scrapbook the hell out of this.
A: What… what are you doing?
Q: I’m taking your picture. I think with your stupid skin tone a spring color would make a good background. Maybe a green or a yellow.
A: Uh, you don’t find this a strange juxtaposition?
Q: No. Stupid… stupid.

MacBooks Surpass Oil As Major Contributor to Global Warming.

Apple was dealt another blow today as scientists at NASA revealed that the heat generated by the MacBook line has now surpassed petroleum emissions as a contributing cause of global warming.

With the introduction of the Macbook non-Pro, sales of the MacBook line as a whole have reached a sufficient level that the collective heat generated by all units has surpassed that of other sources.

While Apple recently tried to deflect concern over the issue – blaming it on plastic strips left over the fan vents – the machines are still undeniably hot.

“The average MacBook puts out 9 billion BTU per minute of usage, said Dr. Leonard Staley of NASA’s Planetary Science division. “I know that sounds like an awful lot, but we actually checked the numbers a couple of times.

“And all that heat gets trapped in the atmosphere, causing temperatures to rise and ice caps to melt.

“Also, they can cause your lap to get all sweaty which leads to chafing.”

Some members of the Mac community rushed to point out a possible connundrum this creates for Apple board member and An Inconvenient Truth star Al Gore.

Sources said Gore, a noted PowerBook user, has as yet refrained from upgrading to the MacBook. Although he has driven back and forth to the Apple Store 15 times to look at them.

“In a hybrid,” the former Vice President noted, wagging his finger.

The tireless prognosticator of the doom global warming represents has yet to explain away his recreational ownership of a flame thrower, however.

“It helps me relax,” Gore said, shrugging.

“I have a hard time relaxing, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Apple is reportedly working on the MacBook heat problem by creating heat sinks the size of 15-lb frozen turkey.

Actually, some sources indicate that it is a 15-lb frozen turkey.

Employment Practices at iPod Plants Draw Criticism.

In the past several days, Apple customers have been shocked by reports that workers in the Chinese factories that create the iPod “work long hours and do not earn a lot of money.

It was but one of many “loss of innocence” moments for Apple’s doe-eyed customers.

“I dunno,” said despondent iPod owner Scott Hochman.

“Was it just a childish pipe dream to allow myself to believe that iPods were made by elves working 30-hour work weeks with full benefits in a candy-colored factory in Magic Gumdrop Land?”

Hochman sighed heavily.

“Maaaybe it was.”

Hochman was not alone in his belief that all Apple employees and employees of Apple contractors and sub-component makers spent their days skipping through a fairy tale of employment bliss. Apple customers are, as a whole, surprisingly uneducated concerning matters of economics and international commerce.

“Well…” said Apple customer Ted Kersten, “Why doesn’t Apple just pay them, like, $50 an hour instead of $50 a month? That seems fair to me.”

Apple was adamant that the more heinous charges that have been floating around the Internet are without merit.

“Steve Jobs does not ride the employees at iPod plants like they’re ponies,” said Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren. “That’s purely a domestic policy.”

Mac Users Decry Prediction of Apple's Market Share.

A report from the Computer Industry Almanac (link via Infinite Loop) predicts that Apple could double its sales over the next five years, but that because of the dynamics of the technology industry, even such a drastic increase would only move its market share from 2.1 percent to 2.5 percent.

“I think there’s a math error in there, said Adam Engst.

“I mean, think of it. If Apple doubles their sales, they’d have to double their market share. That’s totally obvious, isn’t it? See, it’s not just me, right?”

Engst’s analysis was echoed across the Macintosh community.

“They’re way off,” said Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell. “By my calculations, based on current switcher rates, Apple will have, like, nine hundred gajillion users by 2010. That works out to 230 percent of the market.

“That’s a… rough estimate. Could be more, though. Could be a bazillion.”

Mac user Mike Bainter was more direct.

“Oh, c’mon!” Bainter screamed at his screen. “It’s got to be higher than that!

“I’m sorry, I’ve just invested a lot emotionally in this company, you know?

“Man, does that sound weird every time it comes out of my mouth.”

Apple declined to reveal its internal projections for sales over the next five years, despite repeated begging, whining and refusal to let go of their leg.

Industry Panel Discusses Dvorak.

As many may have seen over the weekend, Dave Winer managed to tape John C. Dvorak (links via Daring Fireball) revealing his formula for ginning up hits from angry Macintosh users.

In short, Dvorak admitted that he deliberately writes incendiary columns that he doesn’t believe solely to increase traffic, and then backs off or feigns innocence when flamed.

The staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site takes its responsibility as journalists very seriously. Apparently much more seriously than Mr. Dvorak. For this reason, we convened a panel of Apple pundits – Daring Fireball’s John Gruber, Ars Technica’s John Siracusa, and the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg – to discuss Dvorak’s lack of journalistic integrity.

CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JOHN MOLTZ: Gentlemen, thank you for coming all the way to Tacoma for this fifteen minute panel. In the days since the posting of this video, Dvorak has been reviled throughout the Macintosh community once again. He’s been called everything from a douche bag to an ass clown. So… John Dvorak…

Douche bag or ass clown?

John Gruber?

GRUBER: Douche bag.

SIRACUSA: I disagree. The douche bag monicker just implies that he’s a jerk. The ass clown, on the other hand, also lacks integrity. It’s one of the hallmarks of the ass clown.

GRUBER: No. No. No. You’re pigeon-holing “douche bag.”

SIRACUSA: No, I’m not. That’s the standard usage. Check the AP Style Guide. I’m very careful about things like that.

GRUBER: Oooh, excuse me, princess.

SIRACUSA: … What is that supposed to mean?

GRUBER: I don’t know. What do you think it means?

MOLTZ: Hmm. OK, good debate. Walt Mossberg, you’re the only one whose first name is not John and you’ve been quiet throughout this. Coincidence? Which do you think Dvorak is, ass clown or douche bag?

MOSSBERG: This is completely infantile and I won’t be drawn into such a childish debate. I’m here to talk about one thing and one thing only. The only thing that is salient to Dvorak’s legitimacy as a technology pundit: his well-documented addiction to lesbian dwarf porn.

MOLTZ: Lesbian dwarf porn. Indeed. John Siracusa?

SIRACUSA: Well, I…

GRUBER: Can I just say that I was blogging about Dvorak’s lesbian dwarf porn addiction three years ago?

MOLTZ: That’s swell. But, what does this say about PC Magazine that they’ll hire a columnist who’s addicted to lesbian dwarf porn?

SIRACUSA: Wait, doesn’t he write for Windows World?

GRUBER: I thought it was PC User.

MOSSBERG: I know he writes for Lesbian Dwarf Porn Weekly under the pseudonym “Randy Dick.”

SIRACUSA: Well, whatever he writes for, I think it’s one thing to hire someone who’s looked at lesbian dwarf porn and something else to hire someone addicted to lesbian dwarf porn. I mean, we’ve all had that moment we wish we could take back where we’ve followed those links just a little too far and found a loved one engaged in goatse. Am I right?

GRUBER: Um… no.

MOSSBERG: Engaged in what?

MOLTZ: Yes. No. No.

Um…

Define “loved one.”

SIRACUSA: That was hyperbole. Anyway, you know what I mean.

MOLTZ: More of an acquaintance, really.

MOSSBERG: …

GRUBER: …

SIRACUSA: …

MOLTZ: Well, gentlemen, thank you for coming. I think we’ve learned a lot today about the state of technology punditry.

GRUBER: No we haven’t.

MOLTZ: Shh.