Crazy Apple Rumors Site

Reversing a controversial decision, Apple announced that it is closing its recently opened Indian call center, stating that it did not know Indians “speak like foreigners.”

“Our bad,” admitted Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook.

Cook explained that he and several other executives had rented several Indian movies in preparation to make the decision earlier this year. However, they erroneously rented movies that had originally been in Hindi and then dubbed by American voice artists.

“I noticed their lips were moving separately from the words coming out of their mouths,” Cook said, “but I didn’t think that would be an issue in a telephone call center.”

Cook denied that Apple CEO Steve Jobs made the decision based on concerns that Indian workers were becoming overpriced, as was reported in the Times of India.

“No. No.” Cook said slowly. “Noooo, we just… didn’t know they talked so funny. Eeeyup.

“Even Steve. Which is weird because he spent a bunch of time in India.”

Cook and Apple’s PR department refused to confirm whether or not Jobs was hopped up on goofballs during the whole trip which came shortly after he was fired from Apple by John Sculley.

Apple’s erstwhile Indian employees took the news of their sudden unemployment hard.

“This is most horrible,” said Balram Vindu, a call center technician. “Now I’ll have to go back to working fast food.”

Vindu shuddered.

“I’m not sure I can go back to a job where my biggest input is asking ‘Do you want naan with that?'”

Apple is reportedly currently looking into transfering the center to Bulgaria or Turkey.

“They speak good English in Turkey, right?” Cook asked.

“Right?”

Various user reports from around the Macintosh community indicated that .Mac services have experienced serious problems of late – from slow access to outright outages.

Despite numerous protests, Apple released a statement today insisting that .Mac is “still providing the same high-speed 9600-baud access it has since its inception in 1994.”

This statement was met with significant bafflement by the vast bulk of the Macintosh community. It piqued the interest of Dr. Russell Springer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories, however, who made a startling discovery.

Based on tests performed at the Apple campus, Springer has learned that a tear in the fabric of the space/time continuum has engulfed the .Mac team, altering their reality. Unaware of this change, the entire team believes that it is 1995 and the Apple online service they are working on is not .Mac, but eWorld.

“By 1995 standards,” Springer noted, “the current performance of .Mac is just fine. Accordingly, the team thinks things are going great.

“They’re not crazy about working for Michael Spindler, but…”

Confirming Springer’s findings, several .Mac users indicated seeing eWorld artifacts in their online .Mac experience.

“Man, I saw those little amorphous eWorld guys and I thought I was having another bad mescaline-induced flashback,” said Mac user Trent Davies.

Davies then freaked out looking at an online image of the black MacBook.

“Pismo, man! Pismo! Aaaaaaahhhhh!”

While .Mac users are currently feeling the pain, this unusual incident has a potential upside for long-suffering Newton users.

“The .Mac team has apparently decided to make a Newton conduit for .Mac,” Springer said.

“Although, I wouldn’t hold your breath on it getting finished. They can’t seem to find a Newton development kit.

“Or a Newton.”

Apple engineers outside the .Mac team have only just learned about the issue, but are reportedly already working on closing the tear and reversing its effects.