Apple Issues Warning On MacBook Screws.

Responding to the controversy over four screws on the sides of the recently released MacBook that a number of sites are reporting are “useless” and “purely for cosmetic purposes” Apple issued a dire warning today.

“Do not, under any circumstances remove those screws!” a concerned head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring said.

“Just… just don’t. OK? Seriously. You don’t need to do that. I mean, why… why would you want to do that? There’s no reason. None at all. So don’t.”

Visibly agitated, Mehring would not, however, explain why users should not attempt to remove the screws.

Far from quelling the controversy, Apple’s warning has only served to fuel the fire. Speculation is now raging over what the screws are for and what would be the result of removing them.

A report on AppleInsider claims that one user who removed the screws was spit out of this universe like a watermelon seed. A posting on Apple’s support forum speculated that the screws house an as-yet unused slot like the iMac’s Mezzanine slot, but this one being a “nuclear slot with, like, nuclear powers and radiation and stuff.”

But by far the most disturbing clue was found in what is purported to be an Apple technical note entitled “Periodic Maintenance of Quantum Screws on an Apple MacBook.”

According to this document, forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources in the know, the entire MacBook line was designed to create a quantum net intended to maintain the fragile fabric of the space/time continuum. Apple apparently picked up the contract for maintaining the space/time continuum when a company in the Argolis Cluster that previously did the work went out of business.

Physicists were dubious of the prospect.

“The space/time continuum doesn’t need maintenance,” said Dr. Russell Springer of the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “It just is.”

Pausing to reconsider, Springer added, “Still… probably better if you don’t futz with those screws.”

Apple's Retail Success Due To Ether.

[Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica.

Which, admittedly, I shouldn’t have done. But that’s no reason to go off on Gordy like that.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of certain chemicals on the human brain.

An environmental survey of various retail chains across the nation revealed that the air in Apple Stores contains unusally high concentrations of ether.

“We experimented with different music, different lighting,” said a remarkably frank Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “But ultimately we found that pumping the room full of ether increased sales the most.

“It also increased repeat traffic as people kept coming back into the store, even though they didn’t know why. Or, often, even remember they had been in there before.”

Indeed, according to one anecdote, a curious Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer wandered into the Bellevue Square Apple Store, bought four Mac minis, eight iPods and a Power Mac G5. The next day he woke up drooling and sweaty in a dumpster in Kirkland.

That, of course, was just part of Ballmer’s ordinary Friday night routine and unrelated to the inhalation of the ether.

Apple does credit the strategy with increasing its switcher sales.

Coming to outside the Chandler Fashion Center Apple Store, sudden Apple customer Bill Blanchette, his arms laden with white Apple shopping bags, groggily asked “Unnnhh… What happened? What did I buy?”

Oddly, Apple’s stock was up on the news of its ether retail strategy.

[Don’t forget to scroll down to Moltz’s utterly, utterly false and wrong interpretation.]

Apple's Retail Success Due To Magical Spreadsheet.

[Because of a disagreement between staff reporter Chet MacGruder and myself over sourcing for today’s story on Apple’s retail success, the Entity decided we should run both stories. Personally, I couldn’t care less. If MacGruder wants to continue to embarrass himself by getting his rumors from Gordy down at the Gas-N-Sip, that’s fine with me.

People seem to keep reading them, so it’s no skin off my back. Anyway, my rumor is, like, double sourced from Schiller and, um… Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

OK, not really, but I’m totally sure it’s accurate. Totally.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of a magical spreadsheet.

According to Apple Senior Accountant Glenn Theisen, any numbers he inputs into the magical spreadsheet simply become the Apple retail sales figures for the month.

“I type the figures in here,” Theisen said, demonstrating, “And through the powers of the dark arts, our retail stores will generate exactly those figures in sales.

“ALL HAIL SATAN!” Theisen cried out, falling to his knees and raising his arms in supplication.

After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.”

Theisen first created the magical retail spreadsheet in 2001 when Apple launched its first retail stores and it has been in effect ever since.

Asked if were possible that his “magical” spreadsheet was actually simply mistakenly linked to by another spreadsheet that then fed the numbers directly into Apple’s SAP accounting system instead of the real numbers from Apple’s stores, Theisen coughed nervously.

“Actually, um, that occured to me. But I’ve kind of been afraid to check. I’m more comfortable with the magical spreadsheet theory.”

Theisen then returned to his cube where he kept his head as far below the wall as possible.

Apple Releases MacBook Non-Pro Edition.

After weeks of random speculation that the company would do so, Apple released the MacBook Amateur today. Reminiscent of the “Good, Better, Best” product differentiation strategy of the early 2000s, the MacBook Beginner comes in white and black varieties that are labelled “Good”, “Also Good” and “EVIL”.

Purchasers of “Evil” are warned, however, that their MacBook Junior will eventually attempt to shove them down the stairs in a wheelchair while screaming something awfully dirty about Jesus.

According to Apple, the MacBook For Dummies sports either a 1.83 GHz or 2.0 GHz Intel Core Duo processor and, when licked, tastes vaguely like Tang.

Some Apple watchers expressed concern that the MacBook No You Guys Go Ahead, I’ll Just Watch For A Little While is priced higher than the iBook it replaces, but Apple executives felt this was justified.

“This is a great starter MacBook for those who aren’t ready yet for a MacBook Pro,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked by some fresh-faced youngster ‘Gee, Mr. Schiller, I’d kinda like to sorta use a MacBook Pro, but golly gee willikers, I ain’t a pro at nothin’!’

“Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhh… Well… once, actually. I was asked that once. And my security detail quickly whisked him away. But the point is that many users would look at the PowerBook and the iBook and go ‘Hunnnnnh?’ Just like that. ‘Hunnnnnh?’ It was impossible to tell which one was for the professional and which one was for the layman. Other than the pricing. And all the marketing materials. Other than that, completely impossible.

“I suppose you could have asked someone. Like a Genius or a salesperson.

“But that’s it.”

The MacBook I’ll Just Have A Salad With Dressing On The Side goes on sale today.

Heinen Fired For Failure To Have Testicles.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen was released from the firm after failing to produce a pair of testicles.

According to sources within Apple’s Human Resources department, Heinen was asked by CEO Steve Jobs to provide validation that she did, in fact, have the pair of testicles that were explicitely listed as a requirement for employment in her contract with the firm.

“Apple has a strict policy that its senior executives be male,” a source said.

Heinen reportedly snuck in by cleverly exploiting a legal loophole by claiming that she owned a pair of testicles, even though they were not attached to her body.

“We also prefer our executive to be white,” the source added.

Indeed, perusing Apple’s recently updated executive profiles page indicates that, while all the current executives appear to have testicles, only Sina Tamaddon appears to be non-white. Unfortunately – and this may be a bad indicator for Tamaddon – while all the other executives’ links go to a brief biography and a high-resolution photo, only Tamaddon’s goes to just the photo.

As it is difficult then to determine his ethnicity, this has lead many Apple followers to conclude that Tamaddon is either a space alien or a robot.

Or both.

Heinen’s image, of course, was hastily removed from the page recently after a suspicious CEO Steve Jobs finally confronted her about the testicles.

“We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.

“She didn’t tell me where she got them and I didn’t ask.”

When push came to shove, however, Heinen was either unwilling or unable to produce a pair of testicles. Late in April, Heinen reportedly stalled for time by saying that she had “loaned out the testicles to a friend who had forgotten to return them and then went on vacation and [she] couldn’t get a hold of them.”

“Them” apparently meaning either the friend or the testicles. Apple’s male board members were apparently not impressed as they are usually quickly able to get a hold of their testicles.

The company has begun an executives search for a replacement for Heinen. The job posting reportedly reads “must have own – attached – testicles.

“Prefer that they be white.”