Month: July 2006

Microsoft Admits It Sucks And Is Stupid.

News broke on Friday that Microsoft had admitted that reports of its purported iPod killer – including details of its features – were true.

Analysts quickly determined that this admission means that the company has consequently fully admitted that it sucks and is stupid.

According to a Microsoft spokesperson, the device is, in fact, called “the Zune”, which is apparently a play on the word “tune” and some other unidentified word that starts with “z”.

Possibly “Zod“, the name of Superman’s nemesis, played by Terence Stamp, in Superman II.

“While all will bow before Zod,” technology columnist Glenn Fleishman said, “I don’t think the Zune is going to be as fearsome.

“Partially because the name blows.”

Other analysts noted that the technological “features” of the Zune – a subscription-based download service and the ability to transfer songs to other subscribers wirelessly – were distinctly “less than Zod.”

“People just love the subscription model,” Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said snidely.

“Oh, please, recording industry. I’ve already bought ‘Rubber Soul’ on vinyl, tape and CD. Now make me pay for it every day!”

Snell went on to point out that there was no better way to get the best out of a wireless network than to try transferring a 20 GB music collection over it.

“And I’m sure everyone will now start calling podcasts zunecasts,” Snell said, moving his fist up and down above his lap and rolling his eyes.

While Microsoft did not say in so many words that it sucks and is stupid, it did shift uncomfortably and attempt a weak smile.

Why You Will Get No Love Today and Tomorrow.

Nothing today and tomorrow, Apple-istas. Please accept any or all of the following excuses:

  • A tear in the space/rumors continuum has sent all Apple rumors spewing into another dimension.
  • Today is Ryan Meader appreciation day. Oh, who am I kidding?! Every day is Ryan Meader appreciation day!
  • Wait, did I say “spewing”? I meant “splooging”.
  • Your arms are too short to box with Steve Jobs.
  • We’re just not feeling it today. I’m sorry, we’re just not. Is it you? Well, not per se. Is it your “technique”? Since when do you have a “technique”? I wouldn’t call just yanking on it a “technique.” I’m not a Model T, Gloria. You can’t just turn me on by… Oh, no, no, no, no. No, you don’t. Do not try to turn this into a thing about your clitoris. This is not about your clitoris. I’m not lis-ten-ing, Gloria! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!
  • You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks so you get nothing! NOTHING!
  • Got a better offer, man. There are going to be more babes at Scott’s party. Plus, he’s springing for a keg. Sorry.
  • Only the bagel has the correct aspect ratio.

Or, if you don’t like any of these reasons, feel free to add your own in the comments.

Frankly, you can do whatever you want in there. We don’t really care.

Highlights of Apple Quarterly Conference Call.

Apple announced a profit of $472 million in its third fiscal quarter today, beating analysts’ estimates.

The company also reported a 32 percent increase in shipments of iPods and a 12 percent increase in shipments of Macs.

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer told analysts the company does not expect to have to post any material adjustments for the third quarter resulting from the ongoing investigation into stock option irregularities.

Oppenheimer further noted that iPod sock sales have continued their slide since their introduction, but expected that they would be flat for the current quarter as they’ve gone to zero.

In another interesting piece of news, Apple’s Cupertino campus was apparently overrun by wild boars early in the quarter, forcing a temporary evacuation and a hasty call to animal control.

After order was restored, the incident was followed by an impromptu luau.

Oppenheimer told analysts that all Apple employees will be given the day off on August 18th so the entire company can attend the opening of Snakes on a Plane.

He closed the call by revealing that next Tuesday, Apple will announce a new video iPod, a tablet device and a low cost laptop for inner city youth.

And that CEO Steve Jobs wears women’s underwear under that turtleneck and jeans.

Oppenheimer said that he wasn’t really supposed to reveal any of that, but he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

Hackers Crack Apple Movie Rental Scheme.

Just hours after news hit the Macintosh community that Apple would be adding the ability to rent movies through the anachronistically named iTunes Music Store, hackers in Finland announced today that they have hacked the DRM that causes the rental to expire.

This is a particularly astounding feat as Apple has not even announced the feature, let alone released the actual DRM system that would make it happen.

Speaking through an interpreter, Finnish hacker MaxHax0r said “It was a simple matter of listing all the possible crappy-assed DRM schemes you can think of. Then you toss out the crappiest-assed ones as those are going to be in Microsoft’s new online video rental service and taking the next crappiest one. Then we stayed up all night working on cracking it.

“I mean… it’s Finland in the summer. I can’t tell day from night right now anyway.”

While refusing to confirm that movie rentals were in fact coming to the iTunes Music Store, an exasperated Steve Jobs chastised the hackers.

“You’re the reason we can’t have nice things!” Jobs said, angrily pointing in the general direction of Finland.

“You know, I go to a lot of trouble to make something nice for you and you just try to get more. I would love to deliver you a magical movie download service where you could burn all the copies for your friends you want and edit out the stupid endings – like in the Abyss – and put in your own way cool endings – like with a car chase and a nude scene with Salma Hayek – but it just… isn’t… possible.

“These movie people are really unreasonable. They wouldn’t even talk about my idea about how Capote would have been better with a giant robot with huge lobster claw hands that cut freight trains open like tin cans, and rocket launchers in its eyes and rotating saw blades for teeth.

“And it would have really… big… big…

Cupping his hands in front of his chest, Jobs said “…tits.”

Pausing, Jobs sighed heavily.

“I have vision. Why can’t these movie people see that?”

For his part, MaxHax0r was unconcerned about Jobs’ opinion, stating something in Finnish about Jobs that, when translated literally, comes out to “That female cur believes she can avail herself of my teeth cleaning device.”

Mac Developer Challenges Gates to Wager.

In South Africa last week, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates made some much-noticed comments about the supposed January release of Windows Vista.

Seemingly laying the groundwork for a delay in the operating system’s release, Gates said he would be happy to hold Vista should the beta program reveal problems.

Judging by his application of this standard, Gates has apparently not been involved in any other Microsoft beta program since the company’s inception.

Gates went on to say that he was 80 percent sure that Windows Vista would ship in January. This lackluster vote of confidence prompted Delicious Monster CEO Wil Shipley to challenge the Microsoft Chief Technologist to a bet of $10,000 that Vista would slip yet again (link via TUAW).

Shipley’s announcement of the one-sided dustup brought out a rather surprising number of anti-Shipley trolls, their origin unknown.

While many commenters praised Shipley on both his personal blog post regarding the proposed wager and posts on other blogs referencing it for tilting at windmills, a vocal minority complained that Shipley was an “attention whore” and a “douche bag.”

“This is just a pathetic attempt at self-promotion,” commenter Anonymous Coward said when reached by phone. “And, as everyone knows, self-promotion is immoral.

“Take me, for example. I posted my comment under the name ‘Anonymous Coward’ so as not to make this all about me. Because it’s not about me. It’s about Wil Shipley and what a douche bag he is.

“Now, yes, ‘Anonymous Coward’ is also actually my given name, but it looks like a pseudonym, so it’s really the same thing.”

Asked if he worked for Microsoft, Coward quickly became belligerent and then hastily explained that he had “to hang up now, but only because he wanted to beat the afternoon traffic going west over the 520 bridge.”

But Coward’s comments were backed up by other commenters who were also certainly not Microsoft employees.

“This is all just a sales ploy!” warned commenter MSTrollBot4000.

“Shipley’s using his blog to generate attention to himself!”

MSTrollBot4000 claimed that this is not the first time the Delicious Monster CEO has absconded with sacred Internet resources in an attempt to stuff his already overflowing coffers.

“Look at that ad over there in the CARS right column for Delicious Monster. He paid you guys money to sell his software! He’s totally using you!

“What a douche bag!”

Others were unsure what to think of Shipley.

“Gosh,” mused Mac user Jeff Levitas, who read about Shipley’s challenge on Daring Fireball. “I’d hate to think that the huge emotional investment I’ve made in this online wager that I’m not a party to and has zero chance of being accepted has been misspent on some cynical ploy to gin up software sales.

“I just wouldn’t want to think we live in a world where someone would do something so awful.”

Apple declined to comment for this story as it wasn’t really involved at all.