Category: iPod

Apple Issues iPod Warning.

Apple managed to keep its nose clean during last year’s exploding battery excitement as many manufacturers were affected. But it may not be so lucky if the most recent problem with exploding hardware becomes an issue.

According to reports on Macintouch and Apple’s discussion boards, an iPod can explode if a user puts too many songs on it.

“When we say a 30 GB iPod holds 7,500 songs,” said senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell, “We mean it holds 7,500 songs.

“Not 7,501. Or 7,550. Or 9,000.”

Suddenly serious, Fadell said “Please, for the love of god, don’t try to put 9,000 songs on a 30 GB iPod. Seriously. Don’t.”

Apple’s advised upper limit is apparently not restrictive. While iTunes will usually prevent a user from copying over the limit, in certain instances it will allow a user to copy more.

There is no way of knowing exactly how many songs you can safely put on your iPod, but a tell-tale sign of impending explosion is a noticeable bulging in the unit.

“If you see it bulging,” Fadell warned, “You’re going to want to put it down and, well, run.

“If you’re around some water, dump it in immediately. Or you can smother it with a pillow. Or a pet. This is no time to be sentimental. Then duck and cover. And if you catch on fire, drop and roll.”

Fadell admitted the company had not really worked out proper procedures for users who have put too many songs on their iPods but figured running and dropping and rolling couldn’t hurt.

Users are advised to gingerly pick up their iPod and gently scroll through to see how many songs they have on it.

Apple Sued For "Mo-no-po-ly"

Apple’s recent filing with the SEC revealed that company has been sued for something called “mo-no-po-ly.”

Apple fans were at a loss to fathom what this heretofore unheard of transgression could entail.

“Does it have something to do with iPod battery failures?” asked Mac user Chris Shea. “I know a lot of people have gotten really pissy about the iPod batteries.

“Mo-no-po-ly, Shea said rolling the word around in his mouth. “Mo-no-po-ly. Mo. No. Po. Ly.

“Nope. Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Shea declined to be interviewed further as he was late for a deposition in a court case. While he considers himself a Mac user first, Shea is also an antitrust lawyer.

Many Apple web sites launched a counter-offensive against the claim while not fully understanding its basis.

“This is a specious argument that has no merit, wrote Daring Fireball’s John Gruber.

“Its specious nature will soon be revealed for its speciosity.”

Gruber would not admit to having received a Random House Word-A-Day calendar as a holiday gift, despite the fact that the January 2nd entry is “specious.”

Some have suggested that this “mo-no-po-ly” may somehow be related to the monopoly power exercised by Microsoft through its illegal and destructive stranglehold on the operating system market for sixteen years.

But all members of the Apple community agreed that that was just stupid.

Fuckers At Universal Fucking With The Wrong Motherfuckers

Reuters reported today that the fuckers at Universal Music may try to cut a royalty deal with Apple on sales of the iPod, similar to what they managed to extract from the fuckers at Microsoft.

According to the report, Universal Music’s Chief Motherfucker, Doug Motherfucking Morris, has stated his fucked-up belief that when Apple renegotiates its contract with them next year, they will extort a tithe for doing fuck-all.

But sources at Apple indicate that these particular fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.

“It is highly motherfucking unlikely that these fuckers will get away with this,” said a highly placed source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, only because his mother doesn’t like to hear him talk like this.

“Apple’s position as the fucking market leader means that it has some motherfucking leverage here. It would be a real motherfucking shame if these fuckers were to fucking wake up next year and find themselves fucking locked out of sales to the users of the most ubiquituous fucking digital music player.

“A real motherfucking shame.”

When asked why Apple would be able to work a contract that Microsoft could or would not, the source scoffed.

“They’ve sold about five fucking Zunes. We’ve sold 70 million motherfucking iPods.

“I’m just saying, these fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.”

All of these fuckers declined to comment officially for this story.

New Shuffles Delayed.

Apple’s new iPod shuffle – perhaps the sexiest of the iPods announced at the Showtime event – has been delayed past its promised October release.

While some sources have reported the shuffle will be available this weekend, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that its ultimate release date is still uncertain.

The trouble began when Apple’s supplier for the shuffle revealed that it could not actually make them as small as it had promised.

Despite their repeated claims to have a shrink ray, the Hongfujin Precision Industry Co. facility charged with making the iPod shuffle was ultimately unable to deliver.

“Normally we really check into a supplier’s operational capabilities,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Operations Tim Cook. “But I figured… shrink ray… how hard is that?”

Now, Apple is left with several million shuffles that are five times the size they were promised to be.

Fortunately, the company is not without recourse. Thanks to a new engineering process, the Showtime shuffles are made of 100% cotton and have not been pre-shrunk.

Sources indicate that Apple employees worked overtime and spent the entire weekend laundering iPod shuffles in hot water and then running them repeatedly through the dryer.

“If that wool-based technology had worked out, they’d be even smaller,” Cook noted.

The shuffle’s delivery date is still uncertain as no one yet knows how many cycles it will take to get the devices down to size.

Other than Tim Cook and several sources who preferred not being identified, Apple declined to comment for this story.

iPod Turns Five.

Apple’s iPod turned five years old today, an event that has caused CEO Steve Jobs to wax effusive about “his baby.”

“When I introduced the iPod five years ago today, I couldn’t have been prouder of the achievement Apple – and I – made, Jobs said. “And here’s why.

“The iPod is a timely, innovative product that filled a need our competitors were not adequately filling, and still aren’t. We created an easy-to-use stylish product that spoke to people.”

Holding up an iPod nano, Jobs gushed “The iPod is such a perfect little princess! So smart and well-liked! And pretty!

“The iPod is my special little girl!”

Turning to the Mac – his child from his previous marriage (albeit also to Apple) – Jobs icily asked “When are you going to sell 8.7 million units a quarter?”

The Mac did not look away from the repeat episode of Charles In Charge it was watching while shoving fistfuls of Corn Nuts into its face and mumbled “I sold 1.6 million units. Get off my back.”

“You’re twenty-two years old!” Jobs yelled. “When are you going to move out of my basement?!”

The Mac only shrugged sullenly before turning the TV volume up.

Contrary to Jobs’ contention that his relationship with the iPod is all sunshine and goodness, there are signs of strife.

The young device has reportedly demanded a pony for its fifth birthday and Jobs – after initially indicating the request was excessive – has caved in.

“Well, if I don’t buy her the pony, she’ll throw a tantrum and then nobody’s happy,” Jobs said, sighing. “And I’ve got to keep my special little girl happy!”

The Mac shook its head and turned the volume up further.