Category: Miscellaneous

Various user reports from around the Macintosh community indicated that .Mac services have experienced serious problems of late – from slow access to outright outages.

Despite numerous protests, Apple released a statement today insisting that .Mac is “still providing the same high-speed 9600-baud access it has since its inception in 1994.”

This statement was met with significant bafflement by the vast bulk of the Macintosh community. It piqued the interest of Dr. Russell Springer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories, however, who made a startling discovery.

Based on tests performed at the Apple campus, Springer has learned that a tear in the fabric of the space/time continuum has engulfed the .Mac team, altering their reality. Unaware of this change, the entire team believes that it is 1995 and the Apple online service they are working on is not .Mac, but eWorld.

“By 1995 standards,” Springer noted, “the current performance of .Mac is just fine. Accordingly, the team thinks things are going great.

“They’re not crazy about working for Michael Spindler, but…”

Confirming Springer’s findings, several .Mac users indicated seeing eWorld artifacts in their online .Mac experience.

“Man, I saw those little amorphous eWorld guys and I thought I was having another bad mescaline-induced flashback,” said Mac user Trent Davies.

Davies then freaked out looking at an online image of the black MacBook.

“Pismo, man! Pismo! Aaaaaaahhhhh!”

While .Mac users are currently feeling the pain, this unusual incident has a potential upside for long-suffering Newton users.

“The .Mac team has apparently decided to make a Newton conduit for .Mac,” Springer said.

“Although, I wouldn’t hold your breath on it getting finished. They can’t seem to find a Newton development kit.

“Or a Newton.”

Apple engineers outside the .Mac team have only just learned about the issue, but are reportedly already working on closing the tear and reversing its effects.

Apple announced something today at a press conference at the company’s Cupertino campus. Unfortunately, all accounts of the event were devoid of any details of what, exactly, it was that Apple announced.

This incident truly brings into question the company’s decision to use supermodel spokespersons, which male reporters apparently find rather distracting.

According to the New York Post’s Page Six “We Hear…” section, supermodel Gisele Bundchen shot a campaign for Apple’s “new Mac line” last week. Bundchen then flew to Cupertino where she announced…

Uh… something.

Reached at his office shortly after the event, Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell said “You know, the whole thing was kind of a blur. I remember a bikini and…

“I don’t really remember anything else.”

Analysts cannot decide whether Apple’s new program is ill-advised or a stroke of genius. If the company hopes to attract attention to new Intel-based Macs, hot babes in bikinis may distract more than reporters.

However, if the company was announcing that it was yet again the subject of a lawsuit, a distraction might be just the thing.

“I guess it was bad,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue. “But, honestly, I couldn’t tell you. Wasn’t listening. There was lycra and skin and…

“Oh, mama…”

Despite the controversy, many Mac users have asked Apple to escalate the new policy to naked hot spokesbabes.

Apple and Nike announced the Nike+iPod Sport Kit today, a system that transmits your exercise stats from your shoes to your iPod for visual readout and tracking.

This is not the first time Apple has teamed up with a clothing vendor and sources indicate Apple is working on other wearable computing alliances.

According to internal documents forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by those in the know, Apple is teaming up with the following companies:

Pampers – For the lackadaisical parent, the Pampers In-Diaper Alert System tells your iPod when baby is wet, poopy or has chafing of the nimbus. Of course, if your blood alcohol level weren’t the same as the scotch and soda in your hand, you’d probably notice that stuff but, whatever, June Cleaver.

L.L. Bean – Your iPod will instantly recognize those formless sacks of natural materials you attempt to pass off as clothing and begin playing your hippie freak love-in music for you, you god damn commie.

Abercrombie & Fitch – The Poser Package includes a sensor that tells your iPod you’re wearing your way hip A & F garb and your iPod then plays some way cool tunes for you because you’re so awesome and boss!

Frickin’ poser.

Victoria’s Secret – The system includes leather crotchless thong underwear with a push-up bikini top and lace camisole with garters and fishnet stockings, all linked into the iPod nano to monitor friction and tension of the… the various… straps and… the fullness of the… cups… uhhhhhh…………… I’m sorry, I blacked out. What was I saying?

Look for these at an Apple Store near you later this year.

You frickin’ poser.

[Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica.

Which, admittedly, I shouldn’t have done. But that’s no reason to go off on Gordy like that.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of certain chemicals on the human brain.

An environmental survey of various retail chains across the nation revealed that the air in Apple Stores contains unusally high concentrations of ether.

“We experimented with different music, different lighting,” said a remarkably frank Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “But ultimately we found that pumping the room full of ether increased sales the most.

“It also increased repeat traffic as people kept coming back into the store, even though they didn’t know why. Or, often, even remember they had been in there before.”

Indeed, according to one anecdote, a curious Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer wandered into the Bellevue Square Apple Store, bought four Mac minis, eight iPods and a Power Mac G5. The next day he woke up drooling and sweaty in a dumpster in Kirkland.

That, of course, was just part of Ballmer’s ordinary Friday night routine and unrelated to the inhalation of the ether.

Apple does credit the strategy with increasing its switcher sales.

Coming to outside the Chandler Fashion Center Apple Store, sudden Apple customer Bill Blanchette, his arms laden with white Apple shopping bags, groggily asked “Unnnhh… What happened? What did I buy?”

Oddly, Apple’s stock was up on the news of its ether retail strategy.

[Don’t forget to scroll down to Moltz’s utterly, utterly false and wrong interpretation.]

[Because of a disagreement between staff reporter Chet MacGruder and myself over sourcing for today’s story on Apple’s retail success, the Entity decided we should run both stories. Personally, I couldn’t care less. If MacGruder wants to continue to embarrass himself by getting his rumors from Gordy down at the Gas-N-Sip, that’s fine with me.

People seem to keep reading them, so it’s no skin off my back. Anyway, my rumor is, like, double sourced from Schiller and, um… Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

OK, not really, but I’m totally sure it’s accurate. Totally.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of a magical spreadsheet.

According to Apple Senior Accountant Glenn Theisen, any numbers he inputs into the magical spreadsheet simply become the Apple retail sales figures for the month.

“I type the figures in here,” Theisen said, demonstrating, “And through the powers of the dark arts, our retail stores will generate exactly those figures in sales.

“ALL HAIL SATAN!” Theisen cried out, falling to his knees and raising his arms in supplication.

After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.”

Theisen first created the magical retail spreadsheet in 2001 when Apple launched its first retail stores and it has been in effect ever since.

Asked if were possible that his “magical” spreadsheet was actually simply mistakenly linked to by another spreadsheet that then fed the numbers directly into Apple’s SAP accounting system instead of the real numbers from Apple’s stores, Theisen coughed nervously.

“Actually, um, that occured to me. But I’ve kind of been afraid to check. I’m more comfortable with the magical spreadsheet theory.”

Theisen then returned to his cube where he kept his head as far below the wall as possible.