MUG Member Wants OS 9 On Intel Roadmap.

Sources indicate that Randy Foss of the Stateline Macintosh Users Group has repeatedly asked Apple employees when OS 9 will be available on Intel. Much to the embarrassment of other members of his MUG, Foss simply will not let go of his pipe dream of a cooperative processing operating system without protected memory on Intel-based Macs.

“We all know they have the code, Foss said defiantly. “Ever hear of the Star Trek project? Steve Jobs is just trying to make money by forcing people to buy OS X.”

Ironically, Foss is demanding what some experts believe would be a $100-150 million project so he can retain his $200 investment in a 300 DPI scanner the size of an industrial air conditioner.

Stateline MUG president Ted Egner said “It’s hopeless trying to talk to Randy. He bought that scanner in 1995 and there isn’t an OS X driver for it. He refuses to spend the $75 to buy a new one. He just won’t acknowledge the fact that Apple doesn’t owe him an antiquated operating system on modern hardware.”

Egner said the Stateline MUG bylaws prevented him from expelling Foss.

“You know, we go to a lot of trouble to get Apple employees to come to our meetings and I hate to make them field Randy’s questions. But, sadly, we have to take everyone.”

Foss indicated that even if there were an updated driver for his scanner, he “wouldn’t want to switch away from a proven technology just to be on the bleeding edge.”

Foss also repeated the entirely unsupportable claim that “more and more people are switching back to OS 9 every day.”

“There was a big bank in Missouri that just switched back,” Foss said.

“You’ve been saying that for three years,” fellow MUG member Andy Warchowski said “and you can never produce an article about it.”

“The Apple-friendly media won’t report it!” Foss exclaimed, prompting his fellow MUG members to roll their eyes.

A spokesperson for Apple would only groan loudly when asked about Foss’ demand.

Inside Apple

Steve Jobs recently attended a Cupertino city council meeting to announce Apple’s plan to build a second campus. While the San Jose Mercury News provided a transcript of the meeting, several key passages were redacted for political purposes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site operatives have obtained the redacted passages and we provided them on this edition of… Inside Apple.

JOBS: Well, now that you’ve seen the plans for our campus and the four-mile long take-off ramp for the space ark, I’ll throw the floor open to any questions you might have.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Steve, is it true there’s going to be a water-flume ride and a gigantic cage that you’ll fill with mutants from the Forbidden Zone so you can watch them battle to the death for your amusement?

JOBS: That is… no. Absolutely not. I heard that that was reported on some rumor sites but that is categorically false. Let me say this in the strongest possible terms: there will be no water-flume ride. We’ve got enough lawsuits without putting our employees in that kind of danger.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: What about the gigantic…

JOBS: Next question, please.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Steve, over the years there have been a lot of complaints from residents about weird goings on at the Apple campus… strange people coming and going… some of them Newton users…

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: …loud jungle music… demon gods… goats… what have you. What assurances can you give us that adding a second Apple campus won’t just exacerbate the problem?

JOBS: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s the midnight human sacrifices you’re talking about, right?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: The… what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: I had no idea…

JOBS: Uhhh… perhaps I’ve said too much. But to answer your question, this new campus will be surrounded by a 150-foot soundproof wall mounted with laser cannons and around that will be a moat filled with amphibious evil goats.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Amphibious…?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Would you stop saying that?!

JOBS: Uh, yes, you in the back.

GIL AMELIO DIGUISED AS A CUPERTINO CITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Uh, yes, “Steve,” is it? Um, can you comment on rumors that, because you’ll now have two campuses, you’ll need two CEOs?

JOBS: Mmm, no. That’s not true. This won’t affect our executive team at all.

GIL AMELIO: Dammit. [He exits, tossing his disguise in the trash on his way out.]

JOBS: Well, I think that’s it. I’d like to thank you all for your attention and your support over the years and your willingness to allow us to harvest the brains of area residents as part of our new initiative to create Macs that think like humans!

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Wedidwhatnow?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Wha-what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgust… oh, dammit, I did it again.

EVIL LOOKING GOAT 1: Baaaaaaahhhhh…

GUARD: Ooh. That’s creepy.

Apple Issues Quarterly Report.

Apple’s net earnings jumped 41 percent and net income jumped from $290 million to $410 million last quarter. Predictably, however, it was the negatives that analysts chose to dwell on, despite the company’s gains.

While Apple beat revenues, analysts noted earnings were below forecast. Guidance was also below forecast as the company expected that the current quarter would be tepid as users waited for new Intel-based Macs to appear. Analysts were also reportedly put off by the continued appearance of an evil-looking goat.

“That’s just freaky,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “Freaking goat, man. What is that?”

Further disappointing Wall Street, analysts noted that Apple’s OPS has dropped off dramatically as it has failed to make the adjustment to American League pitching and analysts sharply downgraded the firm’s PECOTA.

“Apple seems to have fallen out of its comfort zone since moving over from the National League,” said ESPN’s Jim Caple. “It’s swinging at pitches out of the zone and striking out more. If ever there was a candidate for watching more tapes of pitchers it’s Apple.

“Plus it needs to resolve some of those lawsuits. That whole thing can’t be good.”

In addition to Apple’s trouble at the plate, analysts noted that the company has:

  • Refused to clean its plate, despite having been served its favorite meal.
  • Attempted to parallel park by going in front-first.
  • Neglected to floss, even the night before a dentist appointment.
  • Persistently used the word “irregardless.”
  • Failed to fill out its TPS reports.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but shuffled its feet sullenly and shrugged its shoulders when asked if it was thought that was the best that it could do.

One Person Left Who Hasn't Sued Apple.

With the advent of Burst.com’s lawsuit against Apple, demographers now say that nearly every person in the world is in one way or another a litigant against Apple.

Dr. Neil Sawin of the University of Washington said “So many people are now direct litigants against Apple, but many more are involved in class action suits or are shareholders or employees of companies suing Apple for trademark or copyright violations.”

Sawin’s team of researchers has found one individual out of the world’s 6.5 billion people who is not in any way part of a lawsuit against Apple.

“He holds no patents, owns no Apple products and has not entered into a previous binding contract with Apple related to the use of copyrighted logos of trade names,” Sawin said.

Nuagobe Machungo, an 11-year-old goat herder from Mozamibique, was surprised to hear of his unique status.

Speaking through a translator, Machungo, clearly surprised at his sudden notoriety, said “I am but a simple goat herder. I do not mean anyone any harm.

“I sleep in the hills with my flock,” he added, pointing to the hills as if for emphasis.

Disturbingly for Apple, however, Machungo indicated that he was thinking of selling one of his goats to buy an iPod shuffle so he could listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers during the long periods of time he is roaming the hills with the herd, looking for grazing pastures.

“I like the song ‘Californication’,” Machungo said, smiling broadly. “Although I do not understand what it means.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but sources inside the company indicate that CEO Steve Jobs is considering giving Machungo a complimentary iPod shuffle in order to stay on his good side.