Editorial: France Full Of Stupid Stupidheads Who Are Stupid.

According to Wikipedia, France is “a country whose metropolitan territory is located in Western Europe, and that is further made up of a collection of overseas islands and territories located in other continents.”

But, alas, that is but half the story.

For France is also full of stupid stupidheads who are stupid.

There is little substance to the French government’s argument that Apple’s iTunes Music Store represents a monopoly threat.

Despite the many, many blog posts, forum comments and drunken barroom rants crowing “Apple’s got the monopoly now, baybee!” and “How’s it feel now that the foot’s on the other shoe [sic], Windoze loozahs?!” and “Hey, while you were in the bathroom, I dunked my testicles in that beer you just drank out of, Robert Scoble!” there is no real evidence that Apple has a monopoly on digital music players or online music sales.

[Editor: Seriously, stop that, you guys. None of the other people in the bar want to see your testicles – let alone see you dunk them in anything – even if it is Scoble’s beer. Which is hilarious by the way. But still… cut it out.]

Anyone who has followed the technology industry knows that Microsoft is the monopolistic tyrant and Apple is the embattled underdog. It’s established technology industry canon. Perhaps the French government – drunk on fine wines and gorged on tasty pastries – fell asleep during the last twenty minutes of Pirates of Silicon Valley, but the rest of us didn’t.

I, for example, never saw it at all.

Anthony Michael Hall gives me hives.

But in summary, the French government would do well to consider what happened to Marie Antoinette when she famously said of the French people “Let them use Rios”, or the 18th century equivalent thereof.

I don’t know the whole story but I believe she was fined quite substantially.

New Apple Product Delayed.

Reports are coming in that a tantalizing new Apple product has been delayed over concerns that it is just too super-duper cool.

Sources indicate that the company is concerned that unless it is able to supply at least one – and perhaps two – units to each and every person on the face of the planet, it will face not only lawsuits, but all-out rioting in the streets.

“It’s rare that working for a technology company makes you afraid for global geo-political stability,” said a source in Apple hardware engineering who declined to be identified, “but we really need to ramp up production on this one before release.

“There are about 6.5 billion people in the world right now. And, frankly, we’re a little concerned we’re not going to be able to find capacity. Or components.

“Or cardboard for the boxes they’re gonna come in.”

The source did emphasize that the device was totally cool and mentioned that he has recently taken to sleeping on the floor of his cube just to be near it.

Information on the new device is extremely sketchy at this point, but Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that it will be the size of a PSP with the power of a cluster of 150 Power Mac G5s and will allow for input via keyboard, pen, voice or modulated brain waves from adhesive sensors placed on the user’s scalp.

It’s also possible it’ll be nothing like that at all, but be super-freaky wicked in some other way.

But one thing is for certain – it will be shiny and come in an understated cardboard box with a tasteful picture of the product on it.

And, despite its utter coolness, people are certain to complain it’s too expensive no matter how much it costs.

Shortly before they shell out whatever it will cost to buy one.

Or two.

Apple declined to comment for this story officially, but shifted uncomfortably in its seat.

Rubinstein Looking To Go Out In Blaze of Glory.

Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein, just two weeks away from his retirement, is still searching for the perfect means to go out in a blaze of glory.

Rubinstein believes that – while he could retire with his dignity in tact – it’d be a hell of a lot more fun to make some waves on his way out.

“And I’ve only got ten more working days to pick just the right thing,” Rubinstein noted. “I want to make this good.”

The man responsible for much of the success of the iPod is reportedly considering sexually harassing a co-worker, showing up to work late and drunk every day and falling asleep in staff meetings and walking around with his fly down asking everyone if they feel a breeze, or just telling off CEO Steve Jobs.

“Man, I’d like to give that guy a piece of my mind,” Rubinstein said, grinding his teeth and shaking his fist. “Stupid black turtleneck… stupid jeans…

“And what’s he gonna do? Fire me?!

Rubinstein noted that the trunk of his 1998 blue Saturn is already full of office supplies, but he considers that more along the lines of “retirement compensation” than “sticking it to the man.”

“I’m pretty sure they factor this stuff in when you get hired,” Rubinstein said. “I mean, where do you think those sites that sell Apple pens, Apple note pads, Apple folders and other quality Apple office products get their stuff? Ex-Apple employees who drive off with trunkloads of this junk.

“I heard Fred Anderson backed a truck up and drove off with 4,000 binders. That’s what I heard.”

Rubinstein plans to pick and implement his flame-out in the next few days in anticipation of being asked to take the following week off on paid leave.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,


Q: I’m trying to boot Windows on my Intel-based iMac and I’m running into some problems. I’ve installed Vista on a NTFS/HPFS volume on my iMac’s hard drive and made the necessary file hacks, but it’s still not coming up.
A: You’ll need to hack Darwin Bootloader with the necessary entry so that it loads your Vista partition. Then you should be chainloaded to the Vista bootloader which should in turn boot your Vista install. Finally, and this is very important, don’t forget the unholy sacrifice to Gorto. You’ll never be able to run Windows on a Mac without that.
Q: Well, yes, I’m a little concerned that’s the problem. See, I’ve made the necessary bootloader edits but I just don’t think Gorto is appeased. I did cut a goat. Shouldn’t that be good enough?
A: A goat!? Ha-ha! Noooo! We’re talking about running Windows on a Mac!
Q: Oh. Well, maybe an ox?
A: What?! No. Try a virgin.
Q: A virgin ox?
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: What?
A: You just confirmed every stereotype I had of people who want to run Windows on a Mac.
Q: What? Oh, a virgin virgin. OK. Well, c’mon, give me a break. I go to ASU. I haven’t seen a virgin in four years.
A: Touché.


Q: I’m trying to get OS X running on a cheap PC and I can get it to boot, but I’m having a lot of problems after that.
A: Of course you are. OS X is rejecting the transplant. Just as a human eventually rejects a pig’s liver, so OS X will reject a PC.
Q: But… uh… wait… I think your analogy is backwards.
A: What?
Q: Well, if I’m trying to put OS X into a PC, then OS X would be the pig’s liver and…
A: Look, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re a madman, a madman, I tell you, and it’ll never work. They probably laughed at you at the institute, didn’t they.
Q: … I… well… yes, there was some snickering…
A: Look, why would you want to run OS X on a PC anyway?
Q: Well, I love the Mac operating system, but I’m an unbelievable cheap skate and I’m hoping to save myself a couple of bucks.
A: Yeah, OK, well, the problem with that is that Macs really aren’t more expensive than comparable PCs. Also, try to remember that time equals money.
Q: Time equals…?
A: Money. Yeah. See, how much time have you spent trying to get OS X to run on that PC?
Q: Just a couple… thousand… hours.
A: You see the problem with that, don’t you?
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s like, “Why do you climb a mountain? Because it’s there!”
A: It’s not really like that at all. This is more like “Why do people go on Jackass?”
Q: Yeah, OK, fine, you be that way. But, but when I can run OS X on a Microsoft Personal Media Workstation Consumer Edition Plus – Wrist Scenario, you’ll be sorry.
A: A what?
Q: It’s a… little watch… thingy… little half inch screen… Kinda cool. It’s hard to input with just that little windy knob on the side…
A: …
Q: If Apple would just make a little watch thingy with a half inch screen that you use the little windy knob on the side to input to then I wouldn’t have to do this! It’s all about user scenarios, dude.
A: Don’t even start with me.


Q: Well, I’m not trying to run Windows on my Mac or run OS X on a PC.
A: Thank goodness.
Q: Not me, sir. I love my Mac just the way it is.
A: Well, good for you!
Q: Well… no… actually.
A: Huh?
Q: For, you see, my love for my Mac is the love that dares not speak its name.
A: Ah. Uh… huh. Oooh.
Q: Yes. The love that is known as…
A: Hoa! Whoa, whoa, let’s just go with your love’s first instinct not to speak its name.
Q: Fair enough. Anyway, my question is about iDVD and an error I’m getting with certain DVD media.
A: Oh. OK. What kind of DVD media?
Q: DVD media… that dares not speak its name.
A: You’re a bit of a drama queen, aren’tcha.

Excitement Builds As Number of Apple Lawsuits Approaches Infinity.

Apple and quantum theorists everywhere are eagerly awaiting the next lawsuit against the company as the number is quickly approaching infinity and no one is exactly sure what will happen.

“This is very exciting, said Dr. Javier Castonguay of the University of California. “The rate of increase in lawsuits against Apple is exponential and soon there will be an infinite number of them.”

When that happens, according to Castonguay and several other leading quantum theorists, the company will either be forced to declare bankruptcy times infinity, or the portion of the space/time continuum that the lawsuits occupy will fold back on itself and all of the lawsuits will cease to exist.

Despite the even odds, Apple was upbeat about its chances.

“Apple has a strong commitment to the sciences and we’re excited to play a part in the history of quantum theory,” said CEO Steve Jobs.

“And.. well… 50-50? I’ll take those odds.

“We got a lotta lawsuits.”

One of the most interesting corollaries to Apple’s condition is that as the number of lawsuits against the company approaches infinity, General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s stress level is generating fantastic amounts of energy.

“Nancy really has some guys from the International Atomic Energy Agency interested in her!” laughed Jobs. “Ha-ha! Because… eventually… you know… KA-BOOM!!!”

Indeed, several research institutes have contacted Apple about attempting to harness Heinen to power the eastern seaboard.

“Yeah, we’ve been trying to get her to take some vacation…” Jobs admitted.

Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.