Macworld Itinerary from Thor.

John has asked me to post today. Quite frankly with the number of people currently doing searches on “Apple rumors” we don’t really need to post a damn thing to get the same amount of traffic we usually get.

But we have news! News in the form of our itinerary for this the 2007 Macworld Expo.

Tomorrow is the big show and we’ll be there (really, we mean it this time) which means there won’t be any live updating. Contrary to myth, there’s no ubiquitous wifi in the Moscone Center presentation hall.

There are also no Apple Bunnies. I actually have a hand in starting that myth as I appeared at Macworld 1997 with several Playboy Bunnies in my entourage. I am the sole CARS contributor who has been to Macworld before, having attended each one since they began (John’s statement is still correct as I am a contributor, not a regular staff member).

After the keynote, John will be down on the showroom floor to hand out some “Phil Schiller has a posse” buttons.

So, if you see someone lying on the floor of the showroom with a bunch of buttons, that’s probably him.

When the buttons are gone (he’s got 100 of them), he says he’ll be attempting to touch as many Apple executives that he can.

Just touching them. He’s going to run up and touch them and then run away giggling like a school girl. He said “That’s just the way I roll.”

OK.

On Tuesday night John hopes to make it into Macworld Blast! even though he doesn’t have a ticket and it’s apparently sold out. If you’re looking for him there, you might try the roast beef line and see if the guy with the electric knife has a pin on his shirt that says “MY NAME IS JOHN.”

Just wink at him. If he winks back, then it’s him. If you get a strange look, it’s probably not.

Masako will, of course, be spending her time in several technical sessions and then running a networked game of AlephOne, and Howard’s actually teaching some of the session in the photography track.

Ugluk says he’s going to lurk under the stairwells and jump out and scare people. That, as you can imagine, is the way he rolls.

I will be behind stage during the keynote, of course, offering moral support and mai tais to Steve and Phil and all the rest. After, I’ll be in the conversation pit with my very special guests Scarlett Johansson, Salma Hayek and Jennifer fricking Connelly to get their topless reaction to the day’s announcements.

And, finally, Chet said he’s going to watch the whole thing from a van parked down the street. We still had some Stroh’s and Cheeze-Its left over from last year. Knock three times and then give the password which is…

What?

Are you serious?

He says the password is “Kevin Federline rulez.”

He swears it’s ironic but I’ve seen his iPod.

Anyway, we’ll see you under the big top!

Macworld Predictions!

Here we go kiddies! Just four days to the extra-long big show!

And a Macworld wouldn’t be a Macworld without all kinds of wild and inaccurate speculation about what Apple’s going to announce.

But you won’t get that here. All of our speculation has been carefully checked using the least squares derivative model and audited by the accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers Lybrand and…

Well, there are like forty more names.

So you know it’s got to be good.

Let’s roll! The Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff predictions for Macworld 2007!


Staff Writer Chet MacGruder:

Well, an iLife update for sure. And then the 8-core Mac Pros. That seems kind of obvious. Uh, new touch-screen video iPods. No surprise there. Apple phone. Of course. Lightweight 12-inch MacBook. Dur-hey. Oookay. What else? Oh. Tablet. Everyone knows about that one.

What?

Oh.

I’m just supposed to give one?


Web designer Masako Yamamoto:

A game. Just one kick-ass, Mac-only game. That’s all I ask. Is that asking to much? No. I don’t think so.

I… I have a lot of Bungie-related anger.


Photographer Howard the talking dog:

Well, personally, I just like something to scratch my butt on. Like the top part of my butt. The part I can’t reach. If Apple wants to be in every living room, it might make them more pleasant places to be if people don’t have to look at me scratching my ass up against the ottoman.


Contributing reporter Ugluk:

Fire.

Me know that been around for long time, but talk about technology that need be more user-friendly.

Am me right or am me right?


Columnist Thor Samson:

Oh, well, I actually already know what they’re going to announce but… I’m NDA-ed.

Sorry.

Uhh…

Oh, hell. It’s a [DELETED AT THE REQUEST OF APPLE LEGAL].

Happy?


Financier the Entity:

Cold fusion.


Editor-In-Chief John Moltz:

I’m going to go out on a limb and say killer robots.

That probably doesn’t seem that different than sexbots, but it’s pretty clear they’re not going to deliver on that so…

Killer robots.

Ooh… wait a minute…

Evil goats…

Oh, great, now I can’t decide.


Well, that’s it! Are we right? We’ll find out next week!

And we’ll see you there!

Really!

No, really, I mean it this time.

Seriously.

No New Products to be Announced At Macworld.

In a surprising turn-around from yesterday’s news of a longer keynote, Apple sources are now telling Crazy Apple Rumors Site that no new products will be announced next Tuesday.

Apple will be announcing iLife 2007 and a speed bump for the Mac Pro…

…and that’s it.

Sources say that the time extension is so CEO Steve Jobs can work on some funny accents he’s perfecting.

“OK, OK, an excited Jobs reportedly said to a frightened intern he cornered recently. “This one’s a Mexican guy…”

“Don’t fire me, please!” the intern squealed, covering his face with his hands, dropping to the floor and curling up in the fetal position.

“You don’t like Mexican? OK, how about Guatemalan? It’s actually the same accent as far as I know, but it sounds trendier when you say ‘Guatemalan’.”

When reached by phone, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said that recent developments have caused Apple to believe that it has reached a point where it can be content to be “lord of the manor.”

“We’ve decided to just let third parties make most of the hard products from now on,” Schiller said. “Cisco’s already announced the iPhone and now Other World is releasing a Mac tablet, so…

“Right now I’m just rolling in a pile of cash I got for working on the iPod. Can you hear that? That ruffling sound like leaves? That’s cash. This particular pile is mostly hundreds, but you should see the pile at Steve’s house. Some of it’s bearer bonds in really big denominations.

“He’s also got an air hockey table which is just awesome. I’ve gotta get one of those.”

While the company usually declines to comment for these stories, Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren was willing to go on the record as saying that all the iPod money was making it really hard to stay motivated to produce crap for us whining ingrates.

Macworld Keynote To Be Longer Than Normal.

In an exciting turn of events, Apple has announced that this year’s Macworld keynote will be longer than the usual presentation.

This has caused rampant speculation that CEO Steve Jobs has significant announcements to make.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that this is in fact the case. Indeed, the keynote will not be two hours long as reported by other sites, but an astounding eight hours long. Attendees are advised to hit the latrine before entering, as the doors will be locked until the last startling revelation is made.

According to documents obtained by CARS reporters, Jobs will make the following earth-shattering announcements:

  • Apple is releasing not one, not two, but seventeen different phones, ranging in capabilities and colors. Maybe eighteen. Probably not twenty. Could be, though. Forty is not out of the question.
  • Stunning the audience, Jobs will reveal that the reason you can’t believe it’s not butter is because it’s actually butter and the people at Unilever have been lying to you.
  • Quickly contrasting that, however, Jobs will show that soylent green isn’t made from people, it’s made from soy. Just like it sounds.
  • Phil Schiller will take the stage and announce that he is made of meat.
  • Adobe CEO Bruce Chizen will appear ostensibly for a bake-off with the new CS3 beta, but instead will be fed to some angry possums.
  • Jobs will then announce an application suite that does everything CS3 does and faster. And it’s part of iLife and it only costs $70. And you get a small soda and your choice of soup or salad.
  • The soup is special space soup with magical space powers that turn you into an awesome super-cool astronaut. With chicks.
  • New full-touch-screen video iPod. And a tablet Mac Mac Mackity Mac thing-a-ma-bob that will cause Jason O’Grady to expire in sheer orgasmic pleasure right on the spot.
  • Of course, the long-rumored Apple perpetual motion machine. That’s a given.
  • Finally Jobs will promise that they’re really going to start working on sexbots this year. Really. They mean it. That’s what the whole “Welcome to 2007” thing was about in the first place.

After looking shocked and starting to say “Where did you get thi…”, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Apple Sued For "Mo-no-po-ly"

Apple’s recent filing with the SEC revealed that company has been sued for something called “mo-no-po-ly.”

Apple fans were at a loss to fathom what this heretofore unheard of transgression could entail.

“Does it have something to do with iPod battery failures?” asked Mac user Chris Shea. “I know a lot of people have gotten really pissy about the iPod batteries.

“Mo-no-po-ly, Shea said rolling the word around in his mouth. “Mo-no-po-ly. Mo. No. Po. Ly.

“Nope. Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Shea declined to be interviewed further as he was late for a deposition in a court case. While he considers himself a Mac user first, Shea is also an antitrust lawyer.

Many Apple web sites launched a counter-offensive against the claim while not fully understanding its basis.

“This is a specious argument that has no merit, wrote Daring Fireball’s John Gruber.

“Its specious nature will soon be revealed for its speciosity.”

Gruber would not admit to having received a Random House Word-A-Day calendar as a holiday gift, despite the fact that the January 2nd entry is “specious.”

Some have suggested that this “mo-no-po-ly” may somehow be related to the monopoly power exercised by Microsoft through its illegal and destructive stranglehold on the operating system market for sixteen years.

But all members of the Apple community agreed that that was just stupid.