After mass speculation several weeks ago about who would succeed CEO Steve Jobs, sources at Apple indicate that, not content to leave the company that he founded in anyone else’s hands, Jobs is building his successor in his basement.
Sources say Jobs has been taking a six pack of Coors Lite, a bag of Pork-Free Rinds and his iPod down to his basement every Saturday morning for a year. His family has heard loud banging sounds and once or twice smelled sulfur.
At this point details about the replacement Jobs is constructing are sketchy. For instance, it is unknown if the successor is some type of robot – perhaps an offshoot of the long-stalled sexbot program – or a golem – which Jobs is known to have created in the past.
Jobs himself confirmed his pet project but would not provide technical details.
“Suffice it to say that my replacement will be constructed in my image and will exist as a fully functional agent to continue to enact my will upon the physical plane,” Jobs said when reached for comment.
“It may also shoot death rays from its eyes. Something I always wanted to be able to do. Just… thought I’d add that.”
In order to carry out this task, Jobs has enlisted the help of an old friend, Steve Wozniak. Sources indicate Woz shows up at the Jobs residence frequently on Saturday mornings carrying a six pack of Old Milwaukee, a bag of Funyuns and old VHS tapes of Banacek.
It should be noted that some sources insist the entire thing is a ruse for the two men to get away from their wives for several hours each weekend.
Meanwhile, sources at Microsoft say CEO Steve Ballmer is working on a Ballmer golem to take his place when he retires. The work is having an adverse affect on the holiday gift buying season as those familiar with the black arts say the main ingredient in a Ballmer golem is a prodigious amount of Hai-Karate.
Reuters reported today that the fuckers at Universal Music may try to cut a royalty deal with Apple on sales of the iPod, similar to what they managed to extract from the fuckers at Microsoft.
According to the report, Universal Music’s Chief Motherfucker, Doug Motherfucking Morris, has stated his fucked-up belief that when Apple renegotiates its contract with them next year, they will extort a tithe for doing fuck-all.
But sources at Apple indicate that these particular fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.
“It is highly motherfucking unlikely that these fuckers will get away with this,” said a highly placed source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, only because his mother doesn’t like to hear him talk like this.
“Apple’s position as the fucking market leader means that it has some motherfucking leverage here. It would be a real motherfucking shame if these fuckers were to fucking wake up next year and find themselves fucking locked out of sales to the users of the most ubiquituous fucking digital music player.
“A real motherfucking shame.”
When asked why Apple would be able to work a contract that Microsoft could or would not, the source scoffed.
“They’ve sold about five fucking Zunes. We’ve sold 70 million motherfucking iPods.
“I’m just saying, these fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.”
All of these fuckers declined to comment officially for this story.
Sources in a sushi restaurant near One Infinite Loop have forwarded this internal document left behind by Apple employees conducting a working lunch.
The document appears to begin with Apple’s recent and current offerings and then lays out the company’s future strategy for each major product line years to come. This is an astounding view into what’s to come from Apple.
- AirPort Extreme
- AirPort Turbo
- AirPort Mach 5
- Ultimate Airport with black Nick Fury
- AirPorsche, Es Ist Sehr Awesome!
- AirPort Extended Play
- AirPort Unlimited
- AirPort Forever
- AirPort and Robin
- AirPort Rebranded 2.0
- AirPort The Awakening
- AirPort Vs. Freddie Kruger
- Power Mac
- Mac Pro
- MacBook Pro
- MacPro Book Pro
- ProBook MacMacMacitty ProBook
- MacPro Professional Edition with Windows Vista Unlimited to the Extreme
- MacBook Returns
- MacBook and Robin
- MacBook Pebble Beach Celebrity Pro-Am
- MacBook Pro Bowling
- Final Cut Pro
- Final Cut Express
- Final Meat Cutlets
- Final Express – Director’s Cut
- Mac Express Pro Cut, Finally
- Final Cut Amateur
- Final Cut Amateur Porn (Grainy VHS Edition)
- Final Cut Begins
- Final Cut and Robin
- Final Calcutta – Bollywood Musical Pro
- Final Fantasy Express Cut Pro XIV (Subtitled “Anime Dude Looks Like A Lady”)
- iPod mini
- iPod shuffle
- iPod nano
- iPod nano nano
- iPod video
- iPod video killed the radio star
- iPod nano y nano
- iPod electric shuffle
- iPod and Robin
Having previously stolen key product ideas from Watson, Kaleidoscope and others, sources indicate that Apple has now stolen the concept for MacZOT!
Documents obtained by Crazy Apple Rumors Site show that after the holiday buying season, Apple intends to keep sales brisk by implementing MacZOT!’s patented (pending) methods for moving units without actually making any money.
An angry MacZOT! founder Brian Ball lashed out at Apple in a tirade excessively laden with both expletives and gratuitous exclamation marks.
“DamnIT!” Ball shouted. “This is BullSHIT!
“I invented the art of not making any money and Apple knows it.”
The documents indicate that Apple has several promotions it is preparing to lay out at Macworld in January.
- 100 video iPods will be sold for $1 each.
- A $25 license for either Final Cut Express, Logic Express or Aperture, depending on your blood type.
- A mystery bundle for $5 that includes five Apple products, at least one of which is an Xserve.
Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said Apple believes the promotions will raise the profile of the company’s products.
“We’re going to lose money on these things hand over fist,” Schiller said. “But we’ll make it up in the long run.
“We haven’t really figured out how. Probably can’t call Brian and ask him. He seems kind of mad.”
Ball reiterated that he is indeed mad and that he does not want Schiller to call him.
Fortunately, someone in the comments of yesterday’s post wrote something so money that we really needn’t have even gotten out of bed. Frankly, we wish more of you commenters would make yourselves useful around here. You don’t all have to be witty. You could make some coffee or go out for donuts or something.
Setting an example for the rest of you slackers, commenter Rip Ragged came up with some absolutely filthy technology-inspired porn.
….her warm, moist vista engulfed my turgid Zune. “Ubuntu, ubuntu,” she repeated as she climbed from a husky whisper to a shrieking, wildly bucking crescendo, “UBUNTU, UBUNTU.”
I collapsed in her arms and murmured into her ear, “Welcome to the social.”
That’s either our first or second favorite dirty comment of all time. Probably second because it’s technically impossible as the Zune is actually currently incompatible with Vista (or maybe that just makes it dirtier). We won’t tell you what the other comment was but it involved Hello Kitty and the Japanese word for something very naughty.
So, flush with the warm glow of Rip Ragged’s torrid opus, you should be set for the next ten days. Those of you in the states, have a happy Thanksgiving.
For those of you elsewhere…