Category: iTunes

Fuckers At Universal Fucking With The Wrong Motherfuckers

Reuters reported today that the fuckers at Universal Music may try to cut a royalty deal with Apple on sales of the iPod, similar to what they managed to extract from the fuckers at Microsoft.

According to the report, Universal Music’s Chief Motherfucker, Doug Motherfucking Morris, has stated his fucked-up belief that when Apple renegotiates its contract with them next year, they will extort a tithe for doing fuck-all.

But sources at Apple indicate that these particular fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.

“It is highly motherfucking unlikely that these fuckers will get away with this,” said a highly placed source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, only because his mother doesn’t like to hear him talk like this.

“Apple’s position as the fucking market leader means that it has some motherfucking leverage here. It would be a real motherfucking shame if these fuckers were to fucking wake up next year and find themselves fucking locked out of sales to the users of the most ubiquituous fucking digital music player.

“A real motherfucking shame.”

When asked why Apple would be able to work a contract that Microsoft could or would not, the source scoffed.

“They’ve sold about five fucking Zunes. We’ve sold 70 million motherfucking iPods.

“I’m just saying, these fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.”

All of these fuckers declined to comment officially for this story.

Hackers Crack Apple Movie Rental Scheme.

Just hours after news hit the Macintosh community that Apple would be adding the ability to rent movies through the anachronistically named iTunes Music Store, hackers in Finland announced today that they have hacked the DRM that causes the rental to expire.

This is a particularly astounding feat as Apple has not even announced the feature, let alone released the actual DRM system that would make it happen.

Speaking through an interpreter, Finnish hacker MaxHax0r said “It was a simple matter of listing all the possible crappy-assed DRM schemes you can think of. Then you toss out the crappiest-assed ones as those are going to be in Microsoft’s new online video rental service and taking the next crappiest one. Then we stayed up all night working on cracking it.

“I mean… it’s Finland in the summer. I can’t tell day from night right now anyway.”

While refusing to confirm that movie rentals were in fact coming to the iTunes Music Store, an exasperated Steve Jobs chastised the hackers.

“You’re the reason we can’t have nice things!” Jobs said, angrily pointing in the general direction of Finland.

“You know, I go to a lot of trouble to make something nice for you and you just try to get more. I would love to deliver you a magical movie download service where you could burn all the copies for your friends you want and edit out the stupid endings – like in the Abyss – and put in your own way cool endings – like with a car chase and a nude scene with Salma Hayek – but it just… isn’t… possible.

“These movie people are really unreasonable. They wouldn’t even talk about my idea about how Capote would have been better with a giant robot with huge lobster claw hands that cut freight trains open like tin cans, and rocket launchers in its eyes and rotating saw blades for teeth.

“And it would have really… big… big…

Cupping his hands in front of his chest, Jobs said “…tits.”

Pausing, Jobs sighed heavily.

“I have vision. Why can’t these movie people see that?”

For his part, MaxHax0r was unconcerned about Jobs’ opinion, stating something in Finnish about Jobs that, when translated literally, comes out to “That female cur believes she can avail herself of my teeth cleaning device.”

iPod Still So Totally Doomed.

As analysts continue to wet themselves in excitement over the impending release of the Microsoft iPod killer, details about the device continue to trickle out.

An article by the Seattle Times’ Brier Dudley says that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, coded named Argo, will be much more than just an MP3 player. It will also act as a wireless platform for games like the PSP.

Strangely, it will also leave little raisins around your house like an Angora bunny.

The device is not yet complete according to Dudley, but it’s scheduled for release for the holiday shopping season and may be being rushed so that it can be announced at Microsoft’s July 27th meeting with financial analysts. Given the company’s track record in meeting deadlines and its ability to turn out quality X.0 releases on a rush schedule this can only spell doom for the iPod.

Or it could spell “xkljadefklja;vjadk.”

But, in yet another sign that the iPod is like so totally doomed, Microsoft will offer license parity for songs already purchased from the iTunes Music Store, so you can bring your music with you to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service. This will amount to a $1 billion giveaway simply to entice users to the new service – a steep price for any company – but Rob Enderle of the group of the same name indicates Microsoft “is wicked boss and has magical powers.”

How this will be accomplished technologically is that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will log on to the iTunes Music Store, view what songs you already own and transfer those assets to their Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service counterparts.

Microsoft expects Apple to send them the fully documented API for how to do this any day now.

Just in case you still don’t believe the iPod is doomy-doom-doom-doomèd, analysts predict that the strength of the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will be its ability to play music on a whole mess of devices that were designed to do something else, which consumer are known to love to do.

Many analysts are recommending that iPod users just go ahead and sell their iPods right now while they still have some value and listen to their old vinyl LPs until they receive their new Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. If rumors are true, Microsoft is just going to go ahead and buy one for each and every person on the planet.

“They could totally do that,” said Rob Enderle. “Totally.”

Editorial: France Full Of Stupid Stupidheads Who Are Stupid.

According to Wikipedia, France is “a country whose metropolitan territory is located in Western Europe, and that is further made up of a collection of overseas islands and territories located in other continents.”

But, alas, that is but half the story.

For France is also full of stupid stupidheads who are stupid.

There is little substance to the French government’s argument that Apple’s iTunes Music Store represents a monopoly threat.

Despite the many, many blog posts, forum comments and drunken barroom rants crowing “Apple’s got the monopoly now, baybee!” and “How’s it feel now that the foot’s on the other shoe [sic], Windoze loozahs?!” and “Hey, while you were in the bathroom, I dunked my testicles in that beer you just drank out of, Robert Scoble!” there is no real evidence that Apple has a monopoly on digital music players or online music sales.

[Editor: Seriously, stop that, you guys. None of the other people in the bar want to see your testicles – let alone see you dunk them in anything – even if it is Scoble’s beer. Which is hilarious by the way. But still… cut it out.]

Anyone who has followed the technology industry knows that Microsoft is the monopolistic tyrant and Apple is the embattled underdog. It’s established technology industry canon. Perhaps the French government – drunk on fine wines and gorged on tasty pastries – fell asleep during the last twenty minutes of Pirates of Silicon Valley, but the rest of us didn’t.

I, for example, never saw it at all.

Anthony Michael Hall gives me hives.

But in summary, the French government would do well to consider what happened to Marie Antoinette when she famously said of the French people “Let them use Rios”, or the 18th century equivalent thereof.

I don’t know the whole story but I believe she was fined quite substantially.

Amazon Challenges Apple.

While many news outlets reported today a rumor that Amazon may challenge Apple’s online music store, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has issued a challenge of a different kind.

In a personal email, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos challenged Apple CEO Steve Jobs to a fight to determine who would own the online market for music sales.

According to an email forwarded to CARS, Bezos said Jobs could pick from the following list of contests:

  • A slap fight, the winner to be determined by who falls on the floor, curls up in a ball and shrieks “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” like a little girl first.
  • A drinking game based on watching Olympic ice skating. Jobs and Bezos will drink once every time someone mentions the new scoring system, twice every time a US skater falls. Last man conscious wins.
  • Hitting each other on the head with gigantic hammers until one of them passes out.
  • A greased, homo-erotic wrestling match in the semi-nude.

According to sources close to Jobs, upon reading the email the Apple CEO likened it to being challenged to fight for the right to eat his lunch, which he already brought to work in a brown paper bag with “Steve” written on it with an El Marko.

“It’s already my lunch,” Jobs reportedly noted. “Why would I agree to fight for it?

“How many times do I have to put up with this crap?” Jobs reportedly asked. “‘Microsoft to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Google to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Amazon to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Army of Brazilian Hitler clones to challenge iTunes.’

“Call me when you’ve got more than a million subscribers for your brilliant subscription-based service. There’s a great idea. Those have already worked so well.

“Uh, also call me when you’ve cloned a million Hitlers. It’d probably be good to know if that happens too.”